~The Wife Unit

~Hurricane Jeanne swept through here yesterday. Two hour drive home and a whole lotta water everywhere. Sal and Scott couldn't get through the roads to make it down to see JC. Gary made it home long before I and took the boys over to his place for popcorn and video games. K made dinner for himself and D for the second night in a row! We'll have to have this little crisis days more often!

I was already to the expressway when my cell phone had enough charge to let me know there was a voicemail. It was Carol letting me know that school was closed for the day. God really is watching over us. I made a bunch of calls and made it to the bank with checks I've been carrying around for a month and haven't had time to deposit. The social worker from Horsham called and we set up a time for me to go down to meet with her and JC for family counseling.

WOW! Was she ever great! We covered alot in the little bit of time we had with her. She was a wealth of good resources and readings and calm. She peeked at every wound and was able to find some that we didn't even realize were there. She got JC to smile and be excited about life for a little tiny window and she breathed hope into my empty soul. She had quotes hanging all over her walls and between those and some of the things she suggested, many were familiar things that I have drawn on in the past so she comes from whence I passed. It was comforting to say the least. The one thing she told us about was a couple who kept a joint journal. So ... here I am. He can kick me out if he wants but I don't think that will happen. We both communicate best through our written words so it may very well be the thing to save us both each and together.

He read a bit of his journal to her during the session and she had to take pause. She asked if he wrote professionally and when he said no, she told him she does and he should. Bob told him that yesterday and Andrew told him that last weekend. She even knew of and recommended a publication where he could submit his writing. At least the ones from the psychiatric unit. The JC MO that we've identified of late is that when someone tells him he's good at something, he runs away as fast as he can. He cops out with the excuse that sometimes it's that the job is no longer a challenge. Well, writing about what is going on in his head will be the exercise of a lifetime because there will always be a challenge there. It's never boring in that space between his ears.

I keep getting the question, "So how are YOU doing??" I have so much support it is almost too much. The Thursday group sessions at STAR, the counselor pointed out that most women retreat and isolate themselves whereas I have reached out in a big huge way. The response has been nothing short of overwhelming. I've never talked so much about stuff so intimate to so many people ever. Well, OK, so there were probably a few million listening when I did Howard Stern but it's not like that was intimate feelings and anyway that was ... 9 years ago? A lifetime ago. Writing here is almost as bad as you don't know who all is reading it. It could be anybody. But then, so could I and so could what we are going through. Dr K's first response was, "Oh, that is so common!" Like as if I was telling her about my kid being ADD or about postpartum depression or something. Well, it sure wasn't common to me a month ago! At this point, I've accepted what we have for what it is and while a diagnoses does not define who a person is, they sure help to understand what beast you are working with.

I have called the current state of affairs, "JC Soup". There are so many things that have gone in to making him who he is and there are so many things coming out of him right now and there are so many, many doctors and therapists and counselors and social workers and therapy partners and dear dear friends and family all contributing. And the meds!! I've had to write them all down to keep track.

So what is the medical diagnoses? Hmm. Which one? It was Major Depressive Disorder when he first went into Bryn Mawr and then changed to Manic Depressive. Somewhere in there, we added Sex Addict or more specifically having a Pornography Addiction. When Dr Catton brought up nasopharyngial probes (yeww!!) I found Temporal Lobe Epilipepsy and I am definately hung up on that for a part of what I see in him. Oh, well then I guess there is still the possibility of Demonic Possession. He thinks that one is going a bit too far but I've not entirely discounted it quite yet.

There's an awful lot about all of this that I just don't know and much that I don't want to know. My brain feels like it is about to explode with everything going on. I have been self-medicating with nicotine, beer and chocolate. The best part is I've lost the last of the baby weight! I've been going kayaking when I can, reading the Bible regularly, sleeping fairly well and taking long luxiourious showers. Other than that, I am coping. The boys and dogs and bords and rats are fed, I've done my best with the salt tank (??!!??) and I get up every morning and do it all over again. And I think all of that is pret-ty darn com-mendable. ~

Gaga

A couple of new people just showed up. The guy got settled in nicely, but the chick is totally spaced out. So, everything has come to a screeching halt. Oh, well.

Interesting thing. While standing around watching the world go by one of the girls here asked if I was Sapnish. I said I was Puerto Rican. She said she had a thing for dark men. Then she eye balls me from top to bottom!! She then asks if I was married. Yup!! You betcha!! Happily married, thank you very much!! Wow. She was bummed. Heh. A little ego boost never hurts. She's kinda hanging out near me, too. I'm not paranoid, but I'm not taking any chances.

I miss the boys. I miss hearaing about their days. Especially when K shares something he learned. Doesn't ahppen often, but it's pretty cool when it does.

Amusement

I got to go to the Manor House for supper. It was the best meal I've had in days. I wish I had the motivation to cook at home. I used to make really good lasagna.

I hope someone comes tomorrow. I could use the company, and the smokes. That seems selfish, but it's not. The smoking addictions is another thing I will need to address.

I just got to watch another episode of MXE a little bit ago. I was genuinely amused, and it felt great. It's a silly thing, but it means something to me.

Poof. My thoughts have scattered. I have been staring out of my window for the past five minutes, and I didn't even realize it. Cool, huh??

Social worker

Spoke with the Social Worker in charge. She wants to set up a family chat with Heidi. I would enjoy that. She also confirmed that I will be here at least through the rest of the week. more would be better, but I'll take this week.

Shrink

I met with my Doc, which is the same as my weekend Doc. Go figure. Anyway, he's increasing my Lamictal to 50 mg daily. We shall see. He's also taken me off precautions, which means I get to walk to the Manor house for my meals. I also get my sneakers and my sweatshirt. Small things, granted, but necessary.

Heidi called to speak I think with the social worker. I'll call her in a little bit and find out what's what. I'm curious what they are telling her.

Both of my roomies are leaving today. Too bad. The evil I know vs the evil I don't know.

I feel pretty good right now. I'm gonna enjoy this feeling.

I was just thinking about what I'm gonna do once I get home. I am very much afraid. I'm afraid of being a dad. I'm afraid of being a husband. I'm afraid of being a friend. I don't know what it is about being "outside" that frightens me so.

As safe as places like this are, I feel, well, safe. I don't have to think. I don't have to feel. It wouldn't be much of a life, but I would be safe.

Sucking face

Well, we did some meditation in group this morning. Wow. Gave me a headache.

The staff is complaining that I'm not participating in groups. They can kiss my butt. I'm just looking forward to meeting my shrink and getting off "precautions". Group therapy is just not for me. I'm not being negative about this, I just don't get it.

Heidi won't be able to come visit me again, which is okay. I am at peace with Heidi, and I am glad. There's a lot of work to be done, sure, but I think we're okay. I have been working really hard on communicating everything I can with her. I have been stuffing everything my whole life. I have to unlearn some old habits, and teach myslef some new coping skils. Stuffing everything is not a coping skill. See?? I learned something new!!

So I told Heidi that maybe Scott or Sal could visit me. Just don't come with a bunch of, "We love yous" and "you have so much to live for." That crap I don't need. I need lotsa smokes and someone to talk trivialities with me for a little bit. It's not that I'm not interetested in the other stuff. I am very much aware of it all. I am constantly thinking about Heidi and what this must be doing to her. And the bo9ys. Crap. I wish I could just flick a switch and go back to being whoever I was. That would be nice.

Wards

Another day. I slept a lot yesterday, and I'm feeling it this morning. If it's not one thing, it's another. Yay.

There was something I wanted to write about but it's gone. Poof.

I can't believe these people, the patients. They're all talking to each other, trying to validate, justify, what they're feeling. They're feeing each other huge bowls of crap. It would be funny if they weren't so pathetic.

I'm not being negative. I'm just sharing my observations. This one dude. He's like, "Once you talk about your issues, then you don't need to be here anymore." A moment later, he's talking about how it's still great being here, because there's a, "Deeper level of understanding" or some such nonsense. He's leaving today, so he's free to say whatever he wants. Whatever.

I haven't thought about my ideations since Saturday .... Friday night?? Whatever. I haven't thought about it. Well, I have thought about it, but not in the, "I'm gonna do this a way." It's more like, "Whay am I thinking about that?"

It comes back to fear. Maybe it's a chemical thing, or maybe there's something physically wrong. I have no idea.

Heidi brought me stuff on epilepsy. That might explain my gapping out. It may not.

I'm looking forward to seeing a Doc today. If nothing else, I want to be able to walk to the Manor House for my meals. I'd like to get my sneakers back, too, and my sweatshirt.

have I mentioned that I hate low fat milk?? Well, I do. That's all we have here.

Here's a question. Am I isolating myself because I don't want to hang out with a bunch of mental patients? At Bryn Mawr I did open up with some of the patients. Not here, though. This isn't very kind, but the quality of patients was much higher at bryn Mawr. Well, it's something to think about.

~Horsham

Last week went really well. Life is supposed to be one day at a time and I thought things went really well considering.

Tuesday JC had a really good session with the shrink here in Phoenixville, Dr Catton, that we like so much. The doc was concerned that he has so little memory of his childhood. They agreed that they needed another intense session to come to a diagnoses.

Wednesday the shrink at the American Day Program agreed to take him off of the Lithium and prescribed Lamictal. Wedenesday afternoon, he was feeling very detached from himself. The doc said it was dissociation. Thursday he started the new meds and was rather down compared to the rest of the week. Thursday PM we went to the group therapy session at the STAR program and he was chipper on the way home. Once we were home, he wrote in his journal for a bit and discovered that he's had 14 jobs in the last 15 years. Between that and a memory of mouthing off to an airforce captain that had dared to compliment him, he was angry with himself till he went to sleep. Friday morning he woke up still angry. The wonderful dreams he has been having on the lithium had gone away and he was angry for having lost them. Friday we had a family therapy session scheduled in the afternoon. He only called once (instead of every smoke break) and it was just to confirm that I was coming to the meeting.

I get there for the session and I am told about his morning. He spent the meditation session in the am plotting his suicide plans once more. This time it was a complete sceanerio in his head from beginning to end and pulling the trigger. He could not contract with anyone there that he would not hurt himself. They suggested he check in for more outpatient. he did not want to go. I told him he did not have to go if he could tell me that he would not hurt himself and he said he would have to lie to me to do that.

While we waited for the therapist to call around for an available bed, he tells me about the Voices. Voices that had screamed at him last Tuesday pm when Scott & Eric came over. Voices that he could understand clearly what they were saying and what they wanted him to do. Voices that told him to feed the anger. Voices that he had told no one about till now.

The therapist came back. There were no beds in Bryn Mawr, we headed to Horsham.

We stopped at home to pack a bag. He said he had not fed the birds. Funny, didn't look like anything had been done all morning. He said all he had time for was to eat a quick breakfast. When he went upstairs, I checked the computer and found a bimbo bikini breasted volleyball cartoon game. Dr Catton returned my page and I talked to him before we left. He wanted a special kind of EEG run on him with nasopharyngial probes and sleep deprivation and something else I can't recall. Asks if I thought it was another session. Huh? Said something about a petit mal ... ??

On the way over, we argued about it. He had about 60-90 minutes free between dropping off the boys and going to the day program. He said he only played the game for maybe 5 minutes. Yeah, right.

When he tells the intake dr about the Voices, he says the voices had screamed at him every time he got angry with me this past week. Says the voices were yelling at him about me on the way over in the car. They were telling him everything was my fault.

So Friday and Saturday, there were murmurs among those I talked with about demons and exorcisms. Where *does* one find a quality exorcist?!? They weren't listed in the yellow pages under E.

Saturday night I looked up nasopharangial (sp??) and the special EEG stuff along with auditory hallucinations. They all came up with the same links. Links to Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. Often misdiagnosed as manic depressive, usually caused by brain trauma (like maybe a car accident at 16?), can cause voices and dissociation and little black outs and memory loss (especially that of say ... your entire adolecense?). One can be wide awake through the whole thing and just be acting or feeling a bit out of sorts while a "seizure" or storm is going on in one's brain.

It's just been the weekend babysitter docs at Horsham so we don't expect anything exciting till Monday. We both think he's on the extended stay plan this time. Hopefully. Visiting hours were today from 1-3 so I took him a Bible, his crucifix and some stuff I printed out on TLE. He's nicely medicated, bored to tears and would love to see and hear from folks. Decided Horsham is Motel 6 and Bryn Mawr was the Marriott. Hours are rather limited, to say the least. T, Th & F from 6:30-8 pm. Sat 6-8 pm and Sun 1-3 pm. That's it. I can't possibly see him till Friday. The pay phone numbers are 215-555-9051 and 215-555-9219. He asked that folks talk to him about silly day to day stuff and politics (hello??) but no religion and no talk of how much he's loved.

And then, the icing on the cake for the weekend was my mother. As suspected, she just had to ask, "So what's JC up to tonight??" So I pulled her aside and gave her the "major-depression-doing-a-little-inpatient" talk and left out all the gory details of the addiction and the voices. True to form and the supportive woman that she has always been, she soaked it all in and told me to file for divorce.

Melancholy

Heidi came to visit today, which was quite a surprise. Good, though, very good!!

The Eagles won against Detroit. Not a pretty victory. They have a lot of work yet, but can only get better. Considering this is the only game I'll probably get to watch this season, I am glad I was able to see them win.

I felt very agitated and anxious after Heidi left. It's not because she came. Actually, I'm not sure why. Well, there's an idea floating around certain circles that I may require the helpof an exorcist. Now, I know there are a lot of people out there rooting for me, and I thank you. An exorcist, though, seems a bit over-the-top to me.

Here's a thought. A couple of weeks ago there was an incident which caused me to be angrier than I have ever felt in my life. The voices were very clear that night and it took every ounce of concentration and will power I could muster to get them to shut up. To be honest though, they didn't win because I wasn't armed. Had I a gun on me, there would have been some dead bodies. Great.

Uh, duh!

We're in group right now. I have to give some of these people credit for opening up. Granted, I could care less about their little problems, but I can appreciate what they are trying to do.

Heh. The tech running this group wants to talk about my inability to care. Yet another person with answers and a solution.

Hey!! I just realized that I may not be getting out of here for a while!! Holy crap!! I agreed to come in here to be safe. Okay, I'm safe. Oh boy, I'm stuck here.

Environment

I'm cold. I spend a lot of time being cold. I don't like it.

I like sleeping. I like having Heidi on my left, and the little dog on my right. Occasionally, though, I feel trapped between two bodies, and it frightens me.

I don't feel suicidal today, which is great. Maybe it has to do with the factthat I dreamt last night. N big dreams, but I can remember dreaming. That made me feel good.

Future?

My mind is going a hundred miles an hour, and in every direction. I start to think of something, then it's gone, and I'm thinking about something else.

I am uncomfortable here. Physically and emotionally. Well, I'm emotionally uncomfortable everywhere, but that's not the point.

What am I going to do once I get better? I don't know what "better" means, really, but we'll use that word for lack of anything better. So, what am I going to do? Get a job? OK, doing what?

I feel like I'm running from something and it is catching up to me. I don't know what it is, nor why I am so afraid of it.

Safe?

Don't know what to write about. I feel very much adrift, really unfocused. It's not confusion but lack of focus. I don't know. What is confusion??

At the moment I have less and more control than at home. I have nothing to worry about here, except me.

I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. We get to watch the Eagles game.

This hospital stay feels very surreal. I'm still feeling very detached, very other. It's really weird.

Do I feel safe?? Here, yes I do. But in the back of ... No. I am very much aware of the factthat I won't feel safe once I'm out of here.

What am I so afraid of?? Maybe not "What", but "Why??"

I really thought I was getting better. I felt great Thursday night after the STAR group. I had a little acting out yesterday morning, which I tried to hide from Heidi. That was a mistake. It will not happen again.

My "goal" for today was to get more focused. That didn't happen. Well, it's not that I didn't try. I am trying, though. It's just not enough. Not yet.

Saturday

Well, I met with the weekend shrink this morning. The admitting shrink took me completely off the lithium. The shrink this am wants me back on it, twice daily. I don't know why. No worries. I'm happy to take it. It calms me down, and it makes me sleepy.

I slept for about four hours today, and I dreamt. Nothing major, but it was a dream. I am glad of that.

Soon I will have to get a job. I have no idea what to do, where to go. I do not wish to return to Target for there would be too many questions. Also, I've done everything there so there would be nothing new.

Dreaming

Another day begins.

I believe I slept well last night. I didn't dream again, which is a sadness. I can't explain the joy I felt when I realized I was able to remember my dreams. They were so vivid, so very full of life and possibilities, unlike my conscious self.

I have no hope, no faith. My world view is extremely distorted. I think of the boys and what this must be costing them. And Heidi. Wow. She's taking all of my crap. I am afraid she may break. Not because she's weak, no, but because I am weak.

Writing with Pencil

I can have a pencil for my journal work, but not my pens. Go figure.

I'm really tired, and it's not just the meds. I actually feel pretty good right now. I'm sure that it is because I am again in a hospital.

If I said anything bad about the last hospital, I take ti back. Think of this place, Horsham, as a Mptel 6, onlt worse. Then think of Bryn Mawr as a Marriott. There is a smell to this place. I share a room with two other guys!!

I would like my pens back.

This opening up and telling everything sucks. For 41 years I've been stuffing everything. Like today. I didn't mean to not tell Heidi - it just happened. I did tell the admitting Doctor about the voices. Heidi had to prompt me, but I think I would have still told the shrink about them. Hey, just one more thing to add to the pile of crap I've been heaping upon myself.

Waiting

I admitted to Heidi today that I, on occasion, have auditory hallucinations. If I get angry enough, really raging, I have voices screaming at me to give in, to let the rage consume me. I fight them, I don't let them control me. I am afraid I won't always be able to control them.

So, I told Heidi, but I haven't told anybody else. I plan to change that today. I don't have a choice really. I am about to get admitted to another hospital.

I sort of lied to Heidi today, and I am sorry. When I told her about the voices, I told her the truth. Later, I tried to change the story, saying that I had not thought of the voices until today. Untrue, which she called me on. I was afraid to admit the voices exist. No longer.

I sincerely do wish to get better but I am struggling with the addiction and the depression. Crap. Which is feeding which? I wish I could get at least one under control. It would make dealing with the other much easier.

Psych

I realized tonight that my entire adult life I have been setting myself up for failure. Well, not exactly. Once I get proficient at something, i lose all interest. I allow myself to only get so good, then I move on.

I guess it's that way with relationships. I let people get only so close, then push them away.

Heidi says that I have the potential to be great, excel even, at anything I do. I don't, though. My sister agrees with Heidi. I know it's been said to me before.

I remember when I was I was in Alaska some Sargeant suggested I take some courses. He said saomething along the lines of, "You are a bright young man. This would be great for you." My disrespectful answer was, "I never said that!!" This happened 21 years ago. I hate being told how great I am, or can be.

In the past 20 years, I have had 15 different jobs in three different states. My first job after the airforce I stuck with for 9 years. Do the math. That's a lot of jobs.

The question is, "Why?" What am I hiding/running from?? What am I looking for??

I don't know

I'm trying really hard to be positive about, well, everything. It is difficult. Everything has become difficult.

Unlike my first crash, I realize this time that I am really sick and will probably be on meds for the rest of my life. This is hard to take considering how much fun I'm having with my meds. I got a new prescription today, to take on top of the stuff I'm presently taking, so tomorrow will be a whole new experience. Crap.

Is anyone out there reading this?? I know a couple of people have left me comments, and I thank you for those, but I am troubled. I didn't really think anyone would bother to read this stuff. Heck, I haven't read this stuff!! On the one hand I'm glad someone is reading this. Maybe you will find something useful, or maybe it will simply help you pass the time. On the other hand, this is some seriously personal stuff I'm writing about and I'm not so sure y'all should be reading this. Either way, I'm going to keep writing.

I have written since I got out of the hospital, but not much. I have to transcribe it all. One of these days. I can't believe Heidi was able to get take out of my journal and put it on here. Wow. That is one amazing woman, my wife!!

I have been feeling very detached today. I can't describe it any other way. I'm really down right now. My thoughts are scattered, and it is hard to focus. Man, I'm really trying, but it feels like I am fighting a losing battle. I try to think about the future, but there's nothing there. I try to think about tomorrow, and I'm having a hard time with that.

There are people out there, friends, whom I should call. Just to say "hi." I can't. I don't know what I'm afraid of. What am I afraid of?? Really, what am I afraid of?? I don't know. That has become my answer to everything lately. "How are you feeling today??" I don't know. "How was your day yesterday??" I don't know. Get the idea??

Met with my shrink yesterday. I like him. We determined that I suffer from amnesia. Everything before I was 12 is gone. From 12 to 16 is also pretty much gone. 16 to 17 is pretty blurry. 17 to now is pretty much there, with a few exceptions. The doctor was interested in this. He was even more interested in my ambivalence toward this memory loss. I don't know how I should feel about it. On the one hand, I just don't care. It bugs me every now-and-then, but on the whole I'm totally okay with it. On the other hand, I am very afraid of what I may be trying to hide from myself. I feel the same way about the doctor going to dig it out. I don't really care, but I'm really scared of what mey be there. Time will tell.

The out-patient program that I'm in blows. Maybe they all do. We're there for five and a half hours, every day, doing nothing but "group therapy." Yay. My favorite. The first hour is spent going over how you're feeling, and stuff. The other four hours are similarly spent. Sometimes, if we're really good, we get to watch a tai chi video and practice the moves. Ooh. Fun. We've tried a couple of meditation cds, too. I got a bad headache the first time we did that, and I slept the second.

I'm not being negative about this. I'm just stating my feelings. I suppose the place does help some folks. It's not doing much for me. Example: This morning I was feeling great. By lunch time, though, the roller coaster was on its way down. I got put on the spot in one of the afternoon groups. I participated. I talked about the memory loss thing. The counselor kept pushing at me, though, trying to figure what was in my past that I was trying to hide. She even brought my suicidal ideations. Which made me again consider the possibility of terminating myself.

This really bites. I know I have to be patient, but I am frustrated. I have no idea what would make it better, but this ain't it. Ah, well ...

Ambivilance

Dr Catton said that I would fight, both consciously and unconsciously, any efforts to find the root of my memory loss/block. This should have caused some reaction in me, but it didn't. He wasn't suprised by my lack of reaction, either. He said that I knew this would the case. I agreed.

Ambivilance. That's what the Dr got from me.

Catton II

Visited with Dr Catton today. It was our second meeting. He is both intrigued and frustrated by me. His first two sessions he uses for information gathering. From that he can make a determination whether or not to work with you, and what the possible problem may be. I have to have a third visit.

He is concerned about me in a couple of ways. First, he finds it curious that I have such vague memories of my early teens and almost no memories before I was twelve. He finds my attitude towards this "amnesia" even more interesting. It appears to him as though I have made peace with this missing past. I am very .... oooh, I can't remember how he put it!! Basically, there is a huge chunck of past that is missing and I am not bothered by it.

The only teacher I can remember from High School is Mrs Delbon. She taught speech. I have no idea why I remember her , but nobody else. I certainly don't remember any of my teachers from Puerto Rico. It's like everything before the accident in '79 is either gone or just was never there. I know there was stuff before '79 because I have seen photos. I just don't remember.

What happened in '79? Well, to the best of my recollection ... I was racing, lost it and crashed. That is the short version. The long(er) version is weirder. Again, I was racing. Tony Kneer (?) was in the car with me. We were buds. I honestly don't remember what led up to the race. I remember that shortly before we crashed ... I remember feeling disembodied and actually seeing myself and Tony as though I were sitting in the backseat of the car.

This is very difficult. I haven't visited these memories in a long time, and this is the second time today. I'm taking a break.

Ramblings

I need to improve communications between Heidi and I. I am trying, but it is terribly difficult. I am trying, thoguh, which has to count for something.

If I could figure out what is driving my anxiety I would be a pretty happy guy. I'm not saying that I would be all better, but it sure wou,d make things a little easier to bear.

Since I got out of the hospital I have been remembering my dreams. I know I had dreams before now but now I am remembering them. Well, I can't remember tham in deteail. This morning, for example, I dremt that I was in the hospital again. This time though, I was like a POW and the staff were the North Korean Army. There were bits from the last bond flick. like the car and the fire heading for the DMZ. It was very cool.

I had a great time this weekend at Sea Isle City. Seeing Andrew after all these years was really good. Meeting everyone else was just awesome. When I hang out with Andrew and his firends I sometimes feel a little out of my league. These are hyper intelligent super educated uber geeks, and I'm just a high school drop out. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. It is merely a fact. But, after a very short while it stops bothering me. They are what they are and I am what I am.

SIC

What a bummer day. It started off very nicely, and stayed that way until everyone went their separate ways. It was great catching up with Andrew and meeting everybody else. The gaming part of the weekend was fun, too. I can honestly say that I had a great time. Truth. Ten minutes into the drive home, though, the anxiety set in.

The mood swings this weekend were very mild, and I handled them with relative ease. So, I don't know what set me off. There was very little traffic, it was a gorgeous day. I don't know.

Demons

Alright. A LOT has happened since I got out of the hospital. Some has been good, most has been shit.

I'm really screwed up. I'm fighting two separate demons!! On the one hand, I havemy addiction. On the other hand, well, there's the depression.

Catton

What crap for a day.

Yesterday went well enough, considering I spent most of the day in correctional custody. Oops. Sorry. I spent most of the day in "group therapy". It was a short day, though, so not as bad as it counld have been.

The most important point of yesterday was my meeting Dr Catton. To say that he is an interesting fellow would be the grossest of injustices. I doubt I have ever met a more educated, refined and well-spoken Gentleman. It was a pleasure hearing him speak. I could visualize, too, how terribly painful a tonguelashing from him would be.

Outpatient

Well, I started the outpatient program today. So far, it sucks.

I met with another shrink who is going strictly by the other shrinks diagnosis. Yeah, the shakes and the mercurial moods could be because of the meds. Here's a script for another med. Hopedfully Dr Catton will actually listen.

Heidi and I are putting a lot of faith in this Dr Catton. Maybe I am Bi-Polar. I just hope Dr Catton at least listens.

I blew up at Heidi this morning for no particular reason. That's how I've been since I got out of the hospital. I'm OK, then I'm not. It's like hitting a switch. And then back again. At least she got me a good lunch. Thanks, Toots!!

I don't know how long I'm going to last here. It's all group therapy, which I hate. I don't know specifically what it is ... no. I hate it because it is really easy for me to pretend. I can't be honest. I have been trying really hard to be honest with Heidi. It is difficult because I don't really know what to say.

The Nest

Interesting afternoon. Aldon, old guy with all kinds of problems, decided to get in my face while I was on the phone with Bob. After the call I politely approached him to ask him to Never interrupt me when I am on the phone, unless it is an emergency. He called me a couple of names in German, and it ended with "puto". I said, "That's your mother", and started to walk away. He starts ranting and raving and trying to get in my face. I backed up and suggested he let it drop. He continues to rant so I tell him, "Walk away old man, or I will end this now." He walked.

I am embarrassed for having let it escalate. I feel bad for the friends I have that had to see me in that place.

I speak the truth that I visualized bashing that old man's head against a wall. Then kicking him when he was down. He disrespected my friend Bob, and disrespected me. For no reason. Bah!!

Maria is leaving tonight, and that's a sadness. As bad as I am, she is worse. She has an issue with cutting. Herself. It gives her pleasure. She is hurting inside, and she got no help here.

There is a theme here!

Blows

I find it totally incredible that social worker boy keeps blowing Heidi off. If this is their idea of therapeutic, they can kiss my ass.

I'm gonna take a shower. It may make me feel better.

Roller coasters in the rain

Well, another day begins. It's raining outside, like an English rain. Endless. Light. Pefect for sleeping. So, I'm going to lay down again until they call me for something.

They finally drew some blood from me to check my lithium levels. If they are good then I will ask to leave tomorrow. Maybe. It depends on how I feel the rest of the day.

People are confising in me, and that bothers me. I don't want or need to hear about people's pasts. I also regret that Dante came to visit for he has been a great topic of conversation. The one nutty woman keeps asking me if Heidi is my daughter and that is getting annoying, for I have answered her countless times. Ah, well. The joys of being a mental patient.

One of the techs, Susan, was just in to "check" how I'm doing. I told her about my frustration with the meds and the bi-polar diagnosis. I AM NOT BI-POLAR!! I am a depressed son-of-a-bitch!! The meds are giving me SUPER mood swings! I was never really manic, I would just feel good enough to operate. Now, I am genuinely manic, bouncing along, laughing at averything. Then I crash and want to either shoot myself or shoot my useless doctor. Social worker boy is game, too, so he better watch his back.

What a coincidence!! that was social worker boy at my door. I think he is conversing with Heidi. Good for him. I guess they still want me out today but he said he's gonna try to get me another day. Woo hoo!! We shall see.

So much for taking a nap, too. Just as well, for I'm not really tired. I just love the damned roller coaster ride they've put me on!!

Waste

I feel so totally let down. This whole past week has been nothing but a dismal failure. A total waste. And I am now angry, very angry, on top of everything else.

I'm a little disappointed that Andrew A has not called. I laid a lot on his lap, and he came through like a true friend. I just wish he would call.

I am again on the verge of tears, but am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Crap. Crap! Crap!!

A long time ago I went back to california for a visit. As I got off the aircraft, I was offered a job. I tookit of course. 3 monts later, Heidi flew out to California to get me back. I am afraid what will happen if I go walk about again.

I don't want to leave Heidi and the boys, but I feel like I need something else. I don't know what, but some thing. I need to sor this one out. I don't know how.

I wish Heidi or Andrew A could be here tomorrow when I meet with the shrink again. I can feel the meds trying to do something, but I certainly don't feel good about it. My mind is scattered, all over the place. I am having trouble focusing my thoughts on my writing. I don't have very restful sleep because the beds suck!!

One of my worst fears is that Heidi may be right. That I am having these suicidal ideations because I am afraid I might take my obsession to the next step, whatever that may be. I still don't believe I am capable of causing harm to another person, but define harm? Would I physically abuse another person? nope. Caould I entice some young female to have consentual sex with me? probably. Who gets harmed?

I would be harmed by guilt. Heidi and the boys would be harmed by the betrayal. The young female? Perhaps I promised her nothing but lies. That would be hurtful.

Bi who?

Spoke with Heidi again. She is majorly pissed off, as am I. She spoke with Andrew social worker and he agreed to call her back by 5. He did not. I pity the boy when Heidi gets a hold of him.

I spoke with Dr Abraham and boy Andrew. They had nothing positive to say. Andrew agreed that I an NOT bi-polar, but the shrink refuses to listen. he just says to let the meds take their course, even though I believe they are not the right ones. I even said so. What do I know? I'm just a mental patient.

I was never as manic or anxious as I am now, in this place. What fools we were!! We actually thoguht coming here would help me! Ha!! If anything, I am more convinced I should be terminated. Real soon!! Maybe then they will take my illness seriously rather than treating me as a mold. Bah!! My anger is wasted in this place. This place doesn't offer hope.

The sleep is still in my eyes,
The dream is still in my head.
I heave a sigh and sadly smile,
And lie awhile in bed.
I wish that it might come to pass,
Not fade like all my dreams.
Just think of what my life might be
In a world like I have seen.
I don't think I can carry on, carry on
This cold and empty life.
My spirits are low
In the depths of despair
My lifeblood .. spills over.

Neil Peart, 2112

Social Boy

Interesting conversation with the social worker, Andrew. The insurance wants me out of the unit tomorrow. Right. I called Heidi to let her know. not sure what she and the social boy had to say to each other, but it appears I'm here for a couple more days.

If I could hold on till Thursday, or Friday, I think I will be okay. Of course, Heidi won't want to leave me alone, which is what I want/need, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

This is crap. I feel like crap.

Did I mention that Robert J called today? What a pleasant surprise. it was so heart-warming hearing his voice after so many years!! We didn't touch on any major topics, but it was wonderful to hear from him. I did sort of cut him short, but I was getting all choked up and did not want him to hear me blubbering. It would not have been fair.

Trees

Crap. I woke up feeling all sorts of anxious today. I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm going through some serious, major mood swings. I'm going from total euphoria to super anxiety. Half the time they're crawling all over each other. Still no sign of the shrink, either, which is a major nuisance.

We have art therapy again today. Yay. Wonder what they'll have to say about my picture. I really hate this. I enjoy doing the pictures, I just don't want them analyzed.

I really want my meds stabilized. That would make my days easier. Is it just the meds I am worried about, though?

Tiring

Well, I'm not nearly as manic as I was earlier. This is just getting very tiring.

I'm having a terrible time concentrating on my writing, too, which I find irritating. I was really enjoying the writing. I don't know what I'm doing differently, so I am blaming it on the meds. Speaking of meds, I have some specific questions for the shrink tomorrow regarding my dosages. I get .25 mg of both Risperdal and Klonopin in the morning. I want to know if increasing those will help with my manic moods.

Just looking at my meds log, it appears they intend to keep me here until at least Wednesday, which is fine by me. Friday is my goal for release. I'm gonna have to do some explaining to Gary. I would also love to visit with David and Kathy.

It's amazing the number of people I have hurt. It was never my intention, folks, to hurt anyone. I apologize to you all now, and will do so again in person, when I see you next. Pray for me, guys, cause I really need all the help I can get.

Linda, there are not enough words with which to express my gratitude. ALl the crap that you've gone through and I've only been a token friend. You are always there for us, Linda, and I thank God for your friendship.

Andrew, Andrew and Bob, I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to ask you back into my life. You guys are true friends, and I thank you for being who you are. I don't know if I would have made it through this far without your support.

Sal, we need to talk when I get out. 'Nuff said.

Thanks to Dr Karen, too, for just thinking about me and being there for Heidi. What a great lady.

Miss Stacy Abramson, to you I owe a great debt of gratitude. If it had not been for your willingness and understanding, wel, Andrew and I really enjoyed watching the Bourne Supremacy!!

Good night, my friends. I pray tomorrow is a good day to you all.

Lizards

Wow. What a crappy, great day. Heidi and the Lizard came to visit which was a fantastic surprise. The Lizard is looking good, and got quite goofy with me. That was just fine with me!

Heidi came up with a plan, which was cool. The plan was pink, though, and I have to work on that. It is a pretty good plan, even if it is pink. Here are some of the details:

JC has to clean up the mess he made at PSMT. He then has to take the NCBTMB exam. He also needs to do pet massage training. Hey, this is alot of stuff!! he has to enroll in one other course, not yet specified. Therapy and meds per shrinks instructions. Attend SA/SLA meetings at least 2x per month. Lastly, 1 hour of exercise (at least!) 4 days per week. Wow.

This is a lot. I am willing, yes, but I am not ready to leave this place. I know it is an unfounded fear, but I am actually afraid I may hurt someone besides myself. I'm fair game, though. I did promise nurse Peggy, again, that I would be safe in here.

I also don't believe my meds are working as well as they did initially. Around mid-day the anxiety begins to build. By late afternoon/early evening, I'm literally boinging along. It is exhausting!! I did get some Ativan, and that seems to have taken the edge off of my mania. I can still feel it, but I can keep it under control. Gotta talk to the shrink about that.

Out of it

I'm totally out of focus again. I keep trying to write and coming up blank. I just keep coming back to the possiblity tha I might injure someone else. I am terribly afraid of that possibility.

How the heck do I get help for that?? Do I tell the shrink thatthere is just the teensiest of chances that I might possibly consider the possibility, someday, of perhaps harming someone else? I don't know how, but there it is.

I'm gonna take a snooze.

Wah

Busy little morning. Met with the weekend shrink. Told him about my euphoria. I think it is because Heidi and I have a tentative plan, and because the addiction is no longer hidden. Also, I am never gonna see these peeps again. He didn't have much to say, although he was mildly interested in our psuedo-plan. Looks like I'll probably be out sometime this week, maybe, but I need to speak with my regular shrink, Dr Abraham, tomorrow. I am NOT ready to get out.

Heidi has already told me that I will have to go to work with her, which I hate.

Bible

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

Well, ain't that the truth!! I have sinned before God, my family, and my church. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but this was bad. I need help. I need forgiveness, but I am not willing to forgive myself. There is a lot of work ahead of me.

"A man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed-without remedy." Proverbs 29:1

Sometimes, that's how I feel. I have no real hope of salvation, because I refuse to forgive myself. This is something I struggle with daily, and pray about.

Where to begin?

I am again feeling euphoric. I guess I'd better talk to the shrink about this. It's like I've let myself out because I know how safe it is in here, nor will I ever see any of these people again.

The mere thought of leaving this place makes me cold. But, I know I must soon get out, whether I want to or not. I don't want to.

Heidi and I talked for a while today when she visited. It felt good. She has so many questions for which I have few answers. Where to begin?? One of the things she brought for me to read is about "How to Confess Your Sex Addiction". I will not write down their questions/suggestions but will answer them to the best of my ability.

1) It was never my intention to hurt Heidi. I guess I was really trying to hurt myseflf. I am making this confession for two reasons. First, I am hoping for forgiveness from my wife. Secondly, I am opening myself completely to God, and praying for His forgiveness.

2) I promise to tell the whole truth from here on out, regardless of how painful or how embarrassing it may be. This will be extremely difficult and will require a great deal of effort. I am willing to try.

3) I don't know about this one, 'cause I don't think I was ever abused as a child. Or as an adult. I have had some sexual unions that weren't exactly great, but nothing I would consider abuse. Hmmm.

4) Another one I can't really respond to. I'll just move on.

5) I will do my best to answer Heidi's questions the best that I can. This will be the most difficult, and extremely uncomfortable. If she can be patient with me I will do my best to answer her questions. Honestly.

Alright the meds are making me sleepy, and there are too many other items to list tonight. Tomorrow I wil go through some others.

Ah! I just realized something! The reason I have been so euphoric is because the proverbial cat is out of the bag!!! Heidi knows about my addiction. I no longer have to hide it!! Oh sure, I now have to deal with the fall-out, but the demon has been unmasked!! Also, by being "euphoric" or "manic", or whatever you want to call it, I don't have to think about the problem!! I can hide behind a mask, because I can!!

Heidi said she cancelled the satellite, which is totally cool, but we have to make arrangements to get CSI & West Wing taped. CSI starts on 9/23. I'm sure West Wing is right around that time.

We also discussed a tentative course of action, but it has a lot of holes in it and needs help. I will stay here as long as possible. I meet with Dr Catton on 9/20 - from there we will figure out what to do with JC. Most importantly, I get to go to the gaming weekend with Andrew and the guys.

Where?

What does the future hold for me? Nothing that I can see. I feel like I need to pack up my crap and go somewhere else, at least for a little while. How far do I go, though? California and Nevada are out, as are Florida and Colorado. Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware are out too. I can't just becomea drifter, either. Michigan is no good, either. Could I go back to Kansas, or Alaska? Nah. Alaska is too far away and Kansas has too many memories.

Texas is out, as are the southern states. The South West might be okay, like Arizona, but probably New Mexico. Utah might be cool, and I have never been to Montana.

Lunch

Lunch came. I feel so fake. It's like I know they (staff) expect me to feel better, but I don't. However, I'm forcing myself to be with people, particularly the girls/women. I am forcing myself to be sociable.

I am having a hard time staying focused. My mind is just wandering all over the place.

Not lunch

We had a team/community meeting. We watched a video. The gist of it was that we have to give our meds a chance, and that we may be on our meds for ever. Great.

Sunday

I am troubled. Heh. That's saying a lot!

Met with the weekend shrink just after getting up. Not even awake yet and the guy wants to know how I am feeling. I said I was sleepy. Yeah, he said, but how do you feel? I said I wasn't feeling anything cause I just woke up. That's good, he said, so you're kinda neutral. Whatever. I didn't feel like arguing with the guy. End of conversation.

I've lost two pounds since I've been here. Can't find them but I'm still looking. I think they may be under my bed, but it is too much effort to look for them.

I have to tell Heidi to talk to the insurance about the other inpatient facility she found out about. This place is not helping me, but it is keeping me safe. I guess that is better than nothing.

I am very tired this morning. I don't know if it has anything to do with my manic high last night. I don't care, really. I'm just tired. I'm gonna lay down and sleep til they wake me up for whatever. Nothing going on this morning until lunch, which is around 12. I may even skip that.

Euphoria

I feel great. Euphoric. Manic. I am laughing at the stupidest things. I know it's either that or cry. If I start crying, I may not be able to stop. That's a scary thing.

Heidi brought me some info on some intensive inpatinet care facility for sex addicts, which I guess I am. That's hard to take. I guess, like Heidi said, it explains a lot. At the same time, it doesn't explain anything.

Would I really be capable of hurting someone else? Wow. Is it worse because she thinks so? I mean, the thought of hurting anyone besides myself had never even crossed my mind. Yeah, I look at pretty women, but I never thought of harming one. Crap. This isn't really doing much for my self esteem. If anything, it's adding fuel to the fire, giving me an even better excuse/reason to terminate myself.

Do I want the kids growing up knowing that I was some kind of predator? Or a suicide? Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think this was "Hobson's Choice" but I can't remember the quote. How the heck do I pray for this one?

Heidi wanted me to write about some specific things, but I am choosing not to. I am afraid of my past. I don't know why, really, but I refuse to dwell on it. It doesn't really matter why. It is dead to me. I need to concentrate on the now and the future.

Now that the seed has been planted in my brain, how will I ever be able to do any body work? How can I trust myself? Am I really that much of a danger? Man, I am really scared.

I remember starting to read "Lord Foul's Bane" (I think) back in the early 80's. I couldn't read past the first or second chapter because the "hero" rapes an innocent young woman. That set the stage for the rest of the series, but I could never stomach it. Maybe I was afraid I might do it myself? Nah. I just didn't like the mere thought of it. I still don't.

Man, I am one messed up dude. but I am NOT AN ANIMAL!! God, help me, but I am not an animal. I am not a predator!! I am sick, yes, but, please God, not that sick.

Sunlight

Heidi visited. We had a great time, I thought. She brought me a bunch of mailings. Some stuff she wrote to the "group", a letter that Andrew F wrote to her and a letter Bob J wrote.

I was deeply touched by the words my friends shared with me and by the love they expressed. We grew up together. I was at Andrew's high school graduation, I was there when he graduated college, and I was his best man at his wedding. I was honored to be a part of his life. I wish I could remember what I said at his wedding, but I have never been able to recall.

Bob was always the big brother I looked up to. Everything Bob did was an adventure, and I so enjoyed being a part of that adventire. He and Andrew were the closest things I had to Heroes I have ever had. I tried, as often as I could, to get together with them. I even went to Germany just to spend a few days with Bob.

Yes, Bob did "abandon" me at the hotel after I couldn't handle all the hash, but I never faulted him for that. Heck, I barely even remember getting back to the room, let alone the factthat Bob wasn't there.

I do remember how angry and upset Bob got when I was leaving for Alaska. I know and understand why he said the things he said, but, again, I have never faulted him for that. It was a pretty emotional time, and I was touched by his emotion.

We were so young, and so full of life!! Every time we got together was an adventure. The concerts we went to. Wow!! We saw some great shows.

I rarely speak of Greg, though. Greg was also my friend. I remember the day Andrew called to tell me Greg had passed away. I heard the phone ring and I knew it was Andrew. I also knew why he had called. It was eerie. I have always regretted not visiting Greg and paying my respects. This is something I have to do this year. I believe it was December 15th, 1989. He was my friend.

I am both glad and embarrassed that my "dirty" little secret is out. I am and have been addicted to porn. I really don't think I would be capable of harming another human being, though, and regret that Heidi even implied that. I guess it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

I don't know when this started. A long time ago, certainly. When I was in Alaska, really, the only thing to do was to drink and go to the strip joints. Drinkingf with the guys was fun. Drinking with the guys while a bunch of half naked young women danced around was a lot more fun.

Saturday

I haven't written anything since last night. I slept shortly after I finished writing last night. I got up around 11 pm. I felt great. Hung out for a tiny bit, then came back to bed.

I woke early this morning and felt very groggy. I guess the meds are starting to work. A good thing, I suppose.

I have been very outgoing today, showing interest in other people, and participating in group. It is difficult though, because I am unsure of my motives. Am I doing these things because I want to, or because it is what is expected of me? I just don't know. Well, maybe I do know.

It is much easier to hide myself by "caring" for others. If I know what their problems are I can focus on them, and bury mine. I don't want to do that.

Met with the weekend Doctor. He hadn't even bothered to read the notes Dr. Abraham wrote down yesterday. Great. He did say that he is going to double my Lithium meds starting tomorrow. Whatever. I just hope they don't let me out. I am not ready.

Maria

The shrink asked Maria to ask someone in the unit to do something for her. She asked me to give her a shoulder rub. I was happy that she asked for I know how difficult that is for her. But, the nurses said that I could not touch another patient. Too bad for Maria. She really needed the work, too. Sadness.

I'm hoping Heidi calls before she comes today. Heck, I hope Heidi comes today. I need more smokes.

I think the meds are affecting me. I am having difficulty writing. It's not that I've run out of things to say, it's just that I'm having a hard time writing. My penmanship is getting worse, and I don't like that. My thoughts are more confused than before, too.

I feel pretty good

It all has to do with the conversation Heidi Had with Dr Abraham. She told him everything I couldn't. Heh. His little eyes got kinda big as Heidi was speaking. I think she shocked him. Heh. Too bad I couldn't do that. Regardless, I am just grateful she had the courage to come in and do that for us. For me. Wow. That makes me feel really great, and really insignificant. I mean, wow, what courage!!

I took the boys pictures out of my wallet, the ones that were taken in Vegas. How lame. Kiefer looks like he has constipation and Dante, well, I won't say what Dante looks like. It is sad. They probably spent a lot of money on them, too, which is sad.

Heidi came

We (She!) spoke with the Doctor. It appears I am a lot worse off than I thought. I have an addiction. More of an obsession, actually, with pornography. Wow.

I guess deep down I always knew that, just never looked at it any closer. Funny how the mind works. I mean, I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet I couldn't stop myself from doing it. The bottom line appears to be that I will be here indefinately or at least 2 more weeks. The Doctor also wants to add Lithium to my meds. This ought to be interesting.

I am glad that Heidi has been able to establish dialogue with Andrew F, and I hope she can somehow get a hold of Robert. They were my brothers, even thought I never told them so.

There was also Greg. I have always regretted not paying my respects to Greg. That is something I need to do. Soon. I never had the same connection with Greg that I shared with Andrew & Bob, but he was still my friend and I miss him.

I miss a lot of people. Mostly, I miss myself. I don't really know who I was, and I know I can never again be that person. Maybe I just want to be able to enjoy life again. Whatever that means. Actually, it doesn't matter. All I need to worry about is getting myself better. For myself and my family.

I let Heidi take my journal home to read. I think she intends to put everything in the blog. I wish her luck for I wrote a lot!! It's amazing how easily the words have been coming. I am enjoying my writing. It's not easy, sometimes, putting some of my thoughts on paper, but I feel good about it.

This is not what I expected.

I am doped up. I feel very lethargic. Physically without energy. My eyelids are heavy. I want to lay down and sleep. I'll do that in a little bit.

I think I am not well. This is not what I expected. I have made tentative connections with a few people: Tom, Cat, Robin, Chandra. They are all leaving today. They are all leaving today. It is not a sadness, but I have no interest in any others.

There are times when I feel like letting down the walls and sucking up everything these people are suffering. It would be so easy, and it would bring me down so hard.

I am enjoying my writing. Too bad nobody will get to read this. I guess I can let Heidi read it. I wonder if she will understand? I hope it doesn't make her sad. I hope Kathy and Linda are being there for her.

I have tried reading the bible, but I am not able to get into it. I did finish reading "John". I've started reading the book of "Matthew". I'm not looking for answers. I'm just reading and hoping for the best.

I am an experiment to them.

I slept better last night, but not well. They gave me something to help me sleep.

My social worker stopped by my table while I was eating breakfast to ask how I was doing, if I had improved any. No, I said, although I had slept a little better, thanks to whatever I was given. I have no idea if he said anything else cause I tuned him out. He is a waste of my time.

I am an experiment to them. Let's try this med today. Hmm. Let's try this other thing today. get the drift? I wanted to be shut down, rebooted. No joy.

Peggy will not be here today. I made promises to her. I promised not to harm myself. I promised to try to be more sociable. Both of those are out the window.

I feel like crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I feel like crap. Nothin I can pinpoint. It's just a feeling of loss. Sadness, too. I want to call Heidi and Andrew. But I really don't have anything to say to them. I am so confused.

I am getting comfortable here. I am not happy about that. What I need is a change of some sort. Not sure what that means, though.

I want to go home and mow my grass. I want to do the windows. I would love to do the shed doors. I know me though, and know it will be a struggle to do those things.

I'm falling asleep. Again, I don't know if it's the meds, or I'm just so emotionally exhausted. Doesn't matter. I'm off to sleep.

I'm trying.

I'm feeling crappy again, but am putting on a face. It is what they want me to do. Peggy asked me to hang out in the common room instead of going to my room. I'm trying.

It is just as easy to pretend that I am okay. Maybe that's what I need to do: pretend.

Let us think of the ways we could terminate JC in here:

1) electrocution. there are electrical sockets everywhere. wrap a wet towel around my arm. How do I get into the socket, though? I suppose if the towel is wet enough I can get the water dripping in there. It is doable but not guaranteed.

2) Hanging. I have my sheets or the shower curtain. I can tear strips and wrap them about my neck. Nothing high enough to "hang" from so I would have to depend on asphixiation. Again, it is doable, but no guarantees.

This is rather pointless. The only reason I would use a high caliber revolver is that even if I twitch at the last moment, I would still likely cause sufficient damage that I would not survive. That's the whole point of this.

I guess I'll meet with the shrink again tomorrow, and we'll just start this all over again.

I guess I needed that

I feel better. Not great, but better. We just played some Trivial Pursuit and I allowed myself to play. It was mindless, but fun. I guess I needed that.

Would I still terminate myself, given the opportunity? Probably. This mild feeling will not last.

Kelly

The nurse that's in my team, Kelly, was at the desk so I didn't stop to ask how to call Heidi. I do not like that woman, Kelly. I will try later, after she is gone.

I want to get better

I am really angry. The meds don't seem to be doing anything but make me sleepy. I'm grateful for the sleep, but it's not making me feel any better.

I did express my anger and frustration at the last group. The tech wanted to know what I wanted. I don't knw what I want. Andrew says that I do, which I guess is true. I want to get better. I just don't know how to do it. I should call Heidi and talk to her.

Group crap

Just got done with Art Therapy.

Are these people not getting it? I have no desire to participate in any group anything. I got to listen to a bunch of women telling their sob stories. I could care less!!

"Group session helps to validate your feelings, and it lets you know that you are not alone." Validate my feelings?? What does that mean?? I know well enough that I am not alone, too. They keep forcing me into groups!! I get it, already. I am not alone.

I am getting angrier as the day goes along. If there was any doubt of my desire to terminate myself, they have certainly taken those doubts away. If I get out of here, I am done. Crap.

I'll be looking for it

Met with my "team".

Dr. Abraham, Social Worker Andrew and Nurse Kelly. They wanted to know how I was feeling. I told them the same which is true. They wanted to know why I am keeping to myself. I told them that I wasn't interested in participating in any "group" therapy for I did not believe it would benefit me. They just stared at me. "Well, why?" they asked. Because I don't care about why any of these people are in here. I don't want to hear about their problems. They just stared at me.

They wanted to recommend group out-patient for me. I flatly refused. Are they not listening to me? I DO NOT WANT TO DO GROUP SESSIONS!! Why is this so difficult to comprehend?

I'm feeling the same because the meds they're giving me are such low dosages that they are basically worthless. I have no idea how much Effexor they're giving me but I get a whole 1/4 mg of Klonopin. Wow.

They asked me if I would still shoot myself. Of course!! Nothing has changed, except they are making me very angry. They wanted to know if I was looking for ways of hurting myself in here. I said yes and no.

There are ways to do it in here, but the best I can come up with is maybe 65% probability of success. That's just not good enough. An opportunity may yet present itself. I'll be looking for it.

Peggy

I signed a release form so Heidi and Dr Catton can call and get info about me. Mission accomplished.

Peggy, one of the nurses or techs, spent a few minutes talking with me. I guess she's my "case" person. She asked if I was still suicidal and I told her that until a few minutes before I hadn't really thought about it. But, I did think about it. I thought that my original plan was now totally inaccessible to me. Peggy asked if I was thinking of ways to hurt myself in here and I said no.

That statement is both true and false. No, I am not looking for ways to hurt myself. I am, however, very aware of the effort that was put into making my room as safe as possible. It would take a fairly high level of ingenuity to kill yourself in this room. It can be done, certainly, but it would require some effort.
There are enough electrical sockets for example. Oh, there are ways. Heck, I get a knife, plastic, with every meal. Nobody knows if I kept one or not. Those can be sharpened into stilletos. Quite easily, really.

I did express my disdain for group therapy to Peggy. She tried to psycho-babble me about a microcosm that reflects the outside world. Okay. But, she did point out that I don't deal very well with the outside world, so that's that. I was honest enough to tell her that I am just not interested in anything these people have to say. I am here for ME. I may sound sefish and callous, but I just don't care about these people, nor do I want to.

Sorry, babe

Wow!! I slept. Heidi called at 5. I spoke with her for a bit. I feel bad because I really didn't have much to say. Sorry, babe.

Okay, she wants me to find out what she needs to do to get information about me. I will speak with the nurses later. I did find out that my shrink is Dr George Abraham. Go figure. I think Heidi said my new outpatient Dr is Catton. I think she said he wanted to call and get info. I need to confirm this. Bottom line, I need to find out how Heidi, Andrew and the new Doctor can get info on or about me.

Recovery

Group is over. Yay. We watched a video, "The Road to Recovery." What a waste. We then had to share what we got out of the video. I got nothing, and said so. It was all stuff that I already know. Yes, there is a way out of this. Yes, there will be relapses. Yes, this sucks. Yes, it will get better. Sure. Intellectually I know all of this. I still feel like crap and cannot see a way to get out of it.

Either I'm genuinely exhausted or the meds have made me sleepy. I'm taking a snooze ....

This is better

We had lunch, and I got my meds. I also got write-ups for my three meds. They are Effexor AR, Ativan, and Klonopin. The Effexor and the Klonopin I get in the am and pm. The Ativan I am to ask for (Ha!) if I need it. That's helpful.

I also just met with an occupational therapist. He brought this huge wrist brace for me. I am to wear it two hours on and two hours off. The doctor felt that the wrist might be more serious than I want to acknowledge. Whatever. I'll ask Dr. Karen to get me a script for x-rays and let her decide how bad it is, or isn't. It doesn't actually hurt, but it is extremely crunchy.

We have group therapy in a little bit. Great! My fave!! I don't want to play. I just want to be left alone.

I just want to be left alone. That's all. I don't enjoy listening to other people's problems. I have my own crap to deal with.

I would like to call Heidi and the boys, but I won't. I don't really have anything to say. Yeah, I;d like to know how they are doing, but I don't want to bother them. I miss being with them but this is better.

Drugs & trees

Met with the psychchiatrist a few hours ago. Don't actually know his name as he did not introduce himself. Whatever.

He asked questions. Everyone wants to know why I am here. This is better than the alternative. Apparently, that's not good enough. Maybe it will improve.

I guess I'll be getting meds some day. He kept talking about Paxil cause that's the only med I remember. He did mention one or two others, but nothing I can recall.

I just came back from "Art Therapy". We were to draw a picture of ourselves in a group. Didn't matter what kind of group, nor the number of individuals in the group. I drew four trees in a field, with four little birds in the sky and a handful of squirrels running about.

I was supposed to explain why I chose trees, and what they meant. They were just trees. In a field. Nothing else. Well, no, said the lady. They mean something. Okay. So, I told her what she wanted to hear. Yes, the four trees are symbols for my family. Yes, I am the tall tree at the end, there. Whatever. They were just trees.

This was a group session, too, which it appears everything is. Great. I get to listen to eight sob stories. It was great. Right. I don't care why any of these people are here. I know that there are other people suffering from depression. How is that helpful to me? Is it going to minimize the level of my anxiety by forcing me to look at it as a "group" thing? I hope not!!

We had to end the session by each of us using one word to describe what we thought of the session. My initial word was going to be "waste", but I knoew it wouldn't go over, so I changed it to "Okay". That's a harmless, non-statement. Crap. I've already started playing the game.

Why can't I just be honest and say what I feel? Do I care what these people think about me? Not really. No. Crap-ola.

Small sadnesses

I was worried that I would not be able to sleep last night, but I did. Well, too, which was a bonus. The bed is not very comfortable, though. We shall see what the night brings.

I met with Dr. Uffner a bit ago. She is a medical doctor and gave me a physical. In that regard, I am well. She is concerned about my left wrist, as am I. It's been almost 2 weeks and it is still uncomfortable. She thinks I should have someone look at it. I'll add that to my list of things to do.

Some time this morning I am to meet with my psychiatrist. I believe it is a doctor Packard. We shall see.

I feel safe. I suppose that's something. I am trying very hard not to put on a face.

Heh. I am trying to remember some lyrics, and I am coming up blank. This is a small sadness. I will keep trying though it may frustrate me.

The First Morning

(taken from handwritten notes written while in inpatient psychiatry at Bryn Mawr)

I can't write. I was having a great deal of difficulty doing this when it was on the computer, but now I have to do it by hand. It will be very time consuming at best. I'll give it a shot.

I survived the first night. Nothing to it, really. They asked a bunch of questions, I filled out a food order for today and that was it. They gave me one little pill, Adavent, I think it was. I'll look it up when I get out.