Tuesday, August 31st, 2004, Pt II

I was trying to to write this when I went off on a tangent and wrote the letter to Andrew and Bob. I have no desire to finish it, so here it is ...

--Got up this morning around 5:30. Nitis needed to go out. But, I was awake before that. I had a major panic attack, in my sleep. Go figure. Now I can’t even escape in sleep. I remember some of the dream, though, and I’ll try to write it down.

Basically, I was looking for help. I kept walking around, opening doors, talking to people. Nobody could help me. I spoke with therapists, psychiatrists, nurses, and doctors. I think I even spoke with a priest. Nobody could help me. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to guess what this dream means.

I woke in a panic. Hyperventilating, sweating, scared, angry, sad. Mostly scared. I got up and took the dogs outside. Dark. It was still very dark, and cool, with a lovely breeze blowing. I shivered, but enjoyed the moment. It was refreshing. Oh, I was still in panic mode, but I was outside, alone, and it was better than being inside, closer to the dream.

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

Here is a letter I wrote to my friends, Andrew F., and Robert J.. I have not really had any meaningful exchange of words with them in too many years. I am hoping the remedy that situation.

--My dearest Friends,

It is 9 in the morning. As I am writing this there is a wonderful breeze blowing, and it appears that it will be quite a magnificent day. The storms last night, remnants of "Gaston," were fairly intense, but they have cleared out the air and the sky is just downright brilliant. I'm feeling mildly philosophical at the moment, so please be patient with me.

I hope most sincerely that all is well with you and your families. It is one of my fondest wishes that one day we will get together again, with our families. I would love nothing more than for you guys to get to know my boys. Particularly Dante. He is my heart.

All right, I'm trying to avoid the main reason for this letter, and I need to stop doing that. I must, however, apologize in advance for writing this. That's not right. I am not going to regret writing it. What I am going to regret is the fact that it won't be a happy read. It appears that I am going to pour my heart out to you guys.

It seems odd, at least to me, that after all these years of avoiding you guys I am now suddenly going to lay my life's woes at your feet. I'm trying to get my life back, guys. You both played very major roles in my life, and I miss that. But, basically, I no longer know who I am, nor do I remember who I was.

History lesson: Back in 1999 I had a major breakdown. I was diagnosed with severe Major Depressive Disorder. I spent a week at an inpatient facility. They had me so doped up I didn't even know what blue was. They had me on depakote and thorazine, as well as other unpronounceable psycho-pharmaceuticals. I was apparently aware enough to ask my wife, Heidi, to promise never to let go to a place like that again.

The reason for my admission into that facility was for the treatment of the depression. The reasons for the depression were never diagnosed, but it was determined that it was something which had been building up inside of me for a great many years. One of the doctors did think that it had to do with our move to the states from Puerto Rico, and how I went about assimilating the new culture. Whatever. The reasons don’t really matter. What matters is that I was an inch away from taking my own life, and needed help.

They let me out, too, which, upon reflection, was a mistake. You see, they did stabilize me enough for me to know that I could talk my way out of the place. So, I did. I answered their questions they way they needed them answered. I acted the way they needed me to act. It was a stellar performance, but I am not proud of it. I had never made that admission to anyone, either, until just recently. The reason I finally told that story to Heidi was that I am, again, on the verge of collapse.

But, the reasons for any of this don’t really matter. The only thing that matters is that for a number of years I have been pretending that nothing was wrong, while inside I was slowly killing myself. I have discarded Friendships simply to avoid people who might notice that, hey, JC is acting. I have put on so many masks over the last 10 years that I have lost myself. I don’t know me. I’m scared.

I’m back where I was back in ’99. I have given serious thought to the taking of my own life. There is a difference, however, and it is a HUGE difference!! The difference is that this time I am reaching out for help from my Friends and Family. It is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done, this reaching out to people, but it is necessary.

I don’t expect you guys to come rushing out with support. What I would like for you guys to know is that I am going through a thing right now. That’s it. Just know. That by itself means a lot to me.

So, now that you know, what next?? Well, either today or tomorrow, I plan on getting myself placed into an inpatient facility. I have promised myself that I will not talk my way out of it, but I don’t if that is a promise I can keep. The mind and body do whatever they need to survive. This will be interesting to observe. I have a Friend out here, Andrew Abramson, who is a former psychotherapist, and he is helping me out. He reminds me a great deal of you, Andrew Funk. Some of his mannerisms. Some of his speech patterns. Anyway, he knows how much I love to act, so he will be coming with me to speak with the intake folk. Maybe they will believe him. Ah, yes. During my previous visit to the facility I was very clear and articulate when I told them that I was a terrific actor. They, of course, assured Heidi and I that they would know if I were acting. Heh. Right.

So, there you have it, sports fans. No phone calls, please, for I will not be answering the phone today. It may take me a few weeks to respond to mailings, too, but take heart, my friends. I will respond when I am able.

With fondest regards, I remain your true Friend,
jc

Monday, August 30th, 2004, Pt II

Why do people die?? I don't mean that in a metaphysical sense, but in a more mundane way. Really, what are some of the reasons?? Emotions play a major role in these. Actually, aside from illness or age, emotions are the reason for people dying. Anger, fear, anguish, frustration, greed, lust, love, friendship, hatred. Take your pick.

Why do people kill?? As above, I mean that in a very mundane way. Again, emotions are to blame. It is amazing that we have, as a species, survived as long as we have.

Monday, August 30th, 2004

No quotes today, or even a title. I'm not in the mood.

Last night was no better. She just kept acting as though nothing had happened yesterday. She did ask me how my day went, and I couldn't give her a straight answer, so I said something along the lines of "Fine. Peachy. Great." It wasn't, of course, but that was all I was willing to give her. I guess it wasn't all untrue, because it was fine, as much as it could have been.

Crap. I want to go. I don't know where, but I want to go. I have my little bag packed and I'm ready to go. I need to go. Somewhere. I can't bring myself to go, though. I feel so guilty. It's like, okay bub, get yer act together!! Suck it up and do!! I can't, though!! Argh!! I can't just pack up and go. Who's going to take the dogs out during the day?? Who's going to make sure the boys have their lunches and breakfast before they head out?? Who's going to pack Heidi's lunch?? Fill up her water bottles?? Who's going to be here when the boys get home from school?!?

Cripes, I KNOW that I can't take care of anyone else unless I can take care of myself, first, but this is another one of my "loops," or "cycles." Call them what you will. They are there, and are almost physical barriers.

Crud. Football seasons is about to open. Just another couple of weekends. I have no idea where the Eagles or the Niners are. I have listened to nothing, watched no pre-season, nor read anything. That is scary. This is the very first time ever that I have not shown any interest in football!! It's like, I think about it, I know it's there, but it doesn't interest me. Wow.

So, what do I do?? Nothing, really. I write, I suppose. Does it help?? Nope. It doesn't make me feel bad, either, except it is difficult to do. I remember when I was a young man how the words would just flow, kinda like diarrhea of the mouth, only writen. I could just write (type, actually) and write. Oh, well. The glorious results of a mispent youth.

End of line.

Sunday, August 29th, 2004, Pt II

Sequel –

Well, here we are, three hours later. I have spoken with her on the phone a couple of times, and it is as though nothing has happened. Amazing.

I’ve been bouncing around the house, totally freaked out about what I may or may not have said to set her off earlier. I’m in total panic mode because I don’t know what she’s going to say when she gets home. It is as though nothing has happened.

But, stay tuned, sports fans, because she hasn’t actually arrived. If we are patient enough, I am certain we will see the fecal matter come into violent contact with the motorized oscillating impeller.

Cripes. I am not angry with her, or at her. I’m just confused. I’m having a really hard time staying focused, and she’s throwing me these mixed signals. She wants me on meds, but doesn’t want me going to Horsham. She wants me to take supplements, herbal, but doesn’t want me to go to Horsham. I have my bag packed.

Why do I want to go to Horsham?? Well, it is a “safe” place. I’m not sure what that means, though. Is it that I am safe from myself?? Is it that others are safe from me?? Am I really a threat to anyone, or myself?? Sometimes, yes, I am a threat to myself. The lines get a little blurred and, well, blam!! End of line.

Right now. At this very moment. The choice is continuing like this or taking my own life. Is there no other choice?? Well, then “adios, amigos.” Is this something I want to do?? Not really, no. But, if there is other choice, yeah, I’m gone.

Okay. She has arrived. I am stopping now.

Sunday, August 29th, 2004

Sadder –

“Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you -the blind who once could see-
The bell tolls for thee...”
Neil Peart, Losing it


What a day. It’s taken me two hours of getting in and out of this chair to finally start writing this thing. What a day. It began harmlessly enough. I was still feeling pretty good from last night. I was actually in a good mood. Too bad for me.

So Heidi and I had agreed that maybe Horsham wasn’t necessarily the right solution. We weren’t sure what our next step would be, but we had talked, and I was willing to talk again tonight. So, off to church we go.

Church went well. There was nothing spectacular in Brian’s lesson today. I guess that’s probably why I enjoy his lessons so much. They are sort of homogenized. I doubt there will ever be anything controversial in one of Brian’s lessons. I’m okay with that.

Heidi was supposed to go to her parent’s today, but I didn’t feel like going. I had told her this last night. Crap. She does to me all the time. Worse, I fall for it all the time. I told her last night that I didn’t want to go to her parents. I asked her not to take me!! She didn’t say anything. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRUST HER!! So, today after church I remind her that I don’t want to go. She wants to know what I’m going to do at home. I told her I was going to write. That just wasn’t good enough for her. I am no longer pleased.

We get home. I get out of the car and into the house. Suddenly, Dante is in the house with me, and Heidi’s driving away. Dante tells me she’s going to the pharmacy. Okay. I find myself a job in the basement. Eventually she gets back. I finish my job and come inside to find her lying on the bed. I ask if she’s planning on going to her parent’s house and she said she was planning on going kayaking. It is 2pm. As usual, she has no clue what time it is, and Dante is the one that’s going to get screwed. Whatever.

She finally gets out of bed and is ready to leave and I remind her that I’m not going. She goes nuts. Starts going on about how she’s not taking me to Horsham but she’s leaving me home alone. What really hurt was when she said “I guess your friend is coming through for you as well as you are!!” Off she went. She was referring to my friend, Andrew.

See, apparently Andrew wasn’t impressed with my therapist, and said so to Heidi. He also told her he would get her some numbers of other therapists whom he believed might be better for me. Andrew had some family stuff planned for this weekend, and I am glad he didn’t “drop everything” just to help me out. We had agreed to wait until we heard from Andrew, but we haven’t. I left a message on his cell phone just after Heidi left, but I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t really know what to say to Heidi.

I was ready to go to Horsham yesterday, but decided to wait a day. My mistake. I thought Heidi and I had made some progress last night, but I guess I was wrong about that, too. All I wanted was to be left alone for a few hours to think, or not think. I know I need to go to Horsham, but I was hoping to get a few more days. That’s my third strike. I’m off to pack a bag. I try to write more later.

Saturday, August 28th, 2004

Living--

“For a man will be tired and his soul will grow weary
Living his life in vain” Eric Wolfson, Ammonia Avenue


I am, at the moment, thinking clearer than I have in weeks. It is a sadness knowing this shall pass with the coming of morning. However, putting the words down is still excruciatingly difficult. I’m trying, though.

Heidi and I spoke, really communicated, for the first time in longer than I care to remember. I still can’t explain to her what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, but I was able to share with her, and that was enough. For tonight, anyway.

The session today was a difficult one. I struggled. We agreed that I need something a bit more involved than meeting with a therapist a couple of times a week. Perhaps another visit to an in-patient facility. Maybe some “intense” outpatient stuff. I don’t know. Heidi and I still haven’t decided.

Heidi said that after my last visit to Horsham I asked her to never let go there again. She said I hated it. I honestly don’t remember. She also told me that they had me pretty heavily medicated, so that’s probably why I don’t remember it.

Speaking of meds … It appears that the only I’m going to get to see someone for a med evaluation is to have myself committed. Heidi is not pleased. If I am as bad off as we suspect, why do I have to wait until next Friday to see someone. I have no clue. Can I survive until next Friday?? Probably. Is the outcome going to be any different?? Doubtful.

For myself, the biggest question of the day, and the only one that really matters, was “Who am I??” I really don’t know. Am I the guy that the reef club knows?? Am I really the guy writing this?? Am I the guy Heidi remembers?? The mask goes on so readily, you see, without thought, that I hardly even recognize it. Is that just a survival mechanism?? It is so much easier to hide behind it.

It’s late, and I’m tired. I want to write more, I do, but I am so tired, and it is so difficult to write.

Friday, August 27th, 2004

Still –

Well, here we go, again. Another day. I have survived.

She dragged me to work with her this morning. Now, of course she didn’t force me. At the same time, I didn’t have a choice. Oh, certainly I could have chosen to not go. Just as certainly there would have been hell to pay.

For starters, there would have been the guilt trip. If that didn’t work, it would have been the “threat” card. After that, would have been more guilt trip. I think you get the idea. I think, too, you can probably tell that I am a little bit angry.

So. Off to work we go. I have nothing to say, because I am pissed and don’t want things to escalate. I know that once we get there I will put on my facemask, and the acting would get me through the day. She doesn’t say anything, either.

The first job she had lined up for me was to go to all the classrooms, while class is in session, and tune the televisions. Right. I want to walk into strange classrooms, disrupt a classroom full of strange students. You betcha. Where do I sign up for this?? Thankfully, I was able to get out of that!!

Our neighbor has a friend who fixes computers. He does this really well, and really inexpensively. She has given him lots of work and he has come through for her. He was there today, to do some work in one of the computer labs. I was able to get out of my job by helping him out. It was much more convenient for me, too, as I had to maintain my illusion for only one person. The day went rather well, considering. Of course, the day soon ended, and we had to drive back home.

Again, I had nothing to say, so I didn’t. Halfway home she asked me something about tomorrow’s schedule, which I answered. I have nothing to say. I closed my eyes and dozed the rest of the way home.

We get home, there’s some putzing around. I’ve fed the dogs and I’m standing in the kitchen listening to NPR. She comes in and asks if I had anything planned for supper. I said, no, I wasn’t planning on eating. The then asks me why I’m just standing there, listening to NPR. I said, because I want to. She then gets up, and storms out of the kitchen. I want to know what her problem is and she starts yelling at me that if all I want to do is stand around listening to NPR, then that was fine with her. Well, excuse me, but if it is so fine with you, why are you giving me attitude about it?? More yelling and stomping. I am, as always, the bad guy.

The boys were sitting on the couch, watching tv when we got home. Neither of them said even a simple “hello,” for they were both very much into their cartoon. No biggie. The only being that actually showed that it cared I was home was the little dog. As long as I take him out and feed him, he’s a happy camper!! I, too, would like nothing better than to be a happy camper, but I can’t. All I am is a grumpy, angry camper.

Why am I so angry?? Her solution to everything is, basically, “well, it’s a nice day outside. Why don’t you go outside??” It doesn’t matter if I have a cold, or my allergies are bugging me, or I’m feeling suicidal. That’s pretty much her solution. Does she do that when she gets sick?? Nope!! And, boy, does she get mad if you say it to her!!

I am angry. I don’t like this. I can’t think straight. I want to go up and try to talk with her, but I have no idea what to say, and I know it will go bad fast. I don’t want to have a fight. I just want to be left alone.

I don’t want her help. I don’t know if it’s the anger, or the depression, or indigestion. I don’t know. I just don’t want her help.

One the drive home, or the drive down, I can’t remember which. Anyway, I was pissed. There was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to “feed it!!” I know it was referring to the anger. Huh. I hadn’t thought about until now. It would be real easy to “feed it.” It would be really easy to just give in to it. What would that feel like, I wonder?? To be completely engulfed in anger.

Enough. Perhaps tomorrow I will write more.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

The Day After –A note to jc

There won’t be any disclaimers here. What I say is the truth. It is, at the very least, the truth now. If it is not to your liking, too bad.

I feel a little more lost now than I did before, and that scares me. I am so very grateful to Andrew for taking time out of his busy schedule for, as Heidi put it, babysitting me. Would I have made it to my appointment today without his help? Certainly. Would I now be writing this?? Unlikely. I have a lot to think about.

I don’t want to die.

The reasons for this are many and varied, but here are some:

1) I don’t want to die.
2) I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad.
3) I don’t want to hurt my wife any more than I already have.
4) I don’t think God would appreciate it very much.

So, what do I do about this?? As Andrew said, I have to take this one step at a time, which is something I have great of difficulty with. It is so very easy for me to lose sight of the moment, while I am worrying about what comes after now. It is, I assume, a skill I must learn. Let us begin practicing now.

I took a very large step today. Good for me. The next step, I suppose, is this. I am doing this now. But, how is this going to help me?? I’m not sure, and I’m trying very hard not to worry about it. This is just what I need to do now.

I am writing this thing because I want to keep things straight. I want to be accountable to myself. I will be sharing this with Andrew and Heidi, and I suppose John Kimmey, too. I am also sharing it with myself, really, which may sound odd, but isn’t. I want this so much to be “stream of consciousness,” but I can’t make it so. I have think about what I am writing. It is almost a physical thing, right now, dredging up the worms. It is difficult.

Horsham. Looking back on it, I can’t see how they let me out of that place. Actually, I do know how, and why. I talked my way out of there. I knew when to say what, and to whom. I knew what they wanted from me, and I gave it to them. It was me, doing what I do so well. What does that mean, though?? Who am I??

Some months back I prayed to God, and He answered me. The prayer was a simple one, really, but the answer turned out to be quite complicated. God wants me to heal and to teach. I’ve struggled with this one. Initially, I assumed that He wanted me to touch people through my massage practice. I’m okay with that. The teaching part, though, I assumed to be some sort of teaching role. I think I was wrong on both counts, but only a little. I believe that what God wanted for me to do was to heal others through teaching. To teach others how to heal. Oh, I’m not saying that I should stop doing massage, or stop helping others. I’m saying that they are not two separate goals. Does that make sense??

Which brings me to this: how can I heal or teach others, if I myself am not well?? I can’t do it. I just can’t. I have a client scheduled for Tuesday evening, and I am looking forward to it. At the same time, I am terrified!!


This is about 4 hours later. I had to stop because the boys got home from school. They both had good days. They had little homework, too, which gave us the opportunity to watch a bit of the Olympics. They watched some synchronized swimming, which neither really got, and then some field hockey. Kiefer didn’t get that, either, but Dante got into it. Dante is funny. During one of the breaks a commentator said something about 2008 Olympics, and that they would be held in Beijing, China. Dante stated that we would have to figure out a way to get there. I think he would like to attend.
Okay, well, it appears that I have nothing further to say today

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004

Disclaimer: The following letter contains the rantings of a madman. Well, maybe a foolish man who has managed to throw away just about everything. Or perhaps, neither.

"Here, there are the souls of the ones who lived without doing neither good nor bad things" Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy, Inferno


Well, I somehow suspected this would happen, but I am still extremely sad that it is has come to pass. For whatever reason (feel free to make one up) I have crashed. Big time. For the past month and a half, I have basically just been sitting around the house wondering when my life will end. Not suicide, no. I don't think so, anyway.

Okay, history lesson!! Some years back, 4 or 5, I crashed. The reasons don't really matter, as it was something that had been building up for many, many years. Most of my adult life, really. Anyway, I was diagnosed with "severe" major depressive disorder. I spent 2 weeks at the Horsham clinic. One week was inpatient, one week was outpatient. Not the proudest times of my life, but necessary.

Since that time, I have been on meds, which didn't really work. I have spent time with a therapist, and I have tried my hardest to take care of myself. All for naught, it would appear. I have crashed, again.

I have an appointment to meet with my old therapist tomorrow morning. To say that I am anxious would be a gross understatement!! I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Friday, the 3rd, to see if I need meds. Funny.

I am not certain why it is I am writing this. I guess I am hoping for understanding Crap.

I get up in the morning, and I put the dogs out. I make certain Heidi and the boys have a decent breakfast. Heidi leaves for work, while I make sure the boys have all their stuff packed up, and then I send them off to school. I feed the dogs and the birds. I check my e-mail. I freeze. This is where it gets really tricky. No, not really. That's about the extent of my day. The remainder is broken up into equal parts staring at the walls, staring at a blank monitor, staring into a sink, or staring out the windows.

I am deathly afraid to go outside, for fear of encountering someone. Anyone!!

I am deathly afraid of doing ANYTHING!! Mostly, I am afraid of myself.

When they sent me off to Horsham, the shrink that put me away asked me if I had been contemplating suicide. I said "sort of." He then asked me how I would do it, if I did decide to do it. I said, "Go to your local sporting goods store and buy a box of bullets. I prefer the .357 magnum. Go to your car. Drive to another sporting goods store that sells guns. Take out one bullet from the case you just bought. Walk into the store. Look at and admire all the pretty bits of lethal machined metal. Ask the clerk if you could check one out. It is so easy to pop a round into the cylinder. The end." The doc then asked me why I would do it at the store. I said, "So I don't mess up our house. The kids still have to live there." I have been thinking a lot about that conversation.

I remember how much twitching I was doing, which the doctor commented on. I’ve been doing a lot of twitching the past few days. I have also been thinking about going out to buy some bullets. Odd, for I haven't owned a firearm in 15 years.

Hey, I just did a google search for "severe major depressive disorder" and found a really sobering little statistic, which I will share. "Up to 15% of patients with severe Major Depressive Disorder die by suicide. Over age 55, there is a fourfold increase in death rate."

I went to the Whole Foods Store in Kimberton the other day, looking for some supplements for Heidi. I was in a "manic" mood, I now realize. So, I bounced (literally) into the store feeling quite "happy." I asked the woman at the counter if she could help me find what I was looking for. She came around the counter rubbing her neck. I was still quite bouncy, which made her smile. She said that if her neck weren't bothering her, she'd be bouncy too. Before I could stop myself I asked her what was wrong with her neck. As soon as the first syllable escaped my mouth my manic mood ended. It was like flicking a switch!! But, I was trapped. I was in a public place, and I was about to crash!! I did the only thing I am really good at; I acted. I think she noticed the change, too, which was freaky. Anyway, I had to follow through with the act so I told her I was a massage therapist asked her what had led up to her stiff neck. She explained and pointed. I felt around her neck, found the stiffness (big knot in her right cervicals, from about c5 up to the occiput). I kept this farce going for a few minutes, and finally managed to make my escape. It was a terrible moment.

All I wanted to do was run and hide!! She needed my help, and I couldn't help her!! I wanted to help her, I really did, but running away was much more important. I drove away, went to the park and cried for a while. I shook, too. I remember shaking. A lot.

Finally, school. I am at my happiest when I am in school. I learned something about myself in the past couple of weeks, so it hasn't been a total waste. I learned that I only care about learning. I no longer have a desire to be a massage therapist. I want to continue learning about massage therapy, different techniques, possibly advanced anatomy, but I don't actually want to practice. When I am sitting in front of the computer, doing anything even remotely constructive, I am looking for who knows what!! But, I am constantly learning new things. I grant you, they are mostly things you put into your "useless facts & worthless information" file, but I am learning. That's how it is with school. I don't really care about the end result, so long as I can learn. Go figure.

Ha. The diagnostic criteria for “severe major depressive disorder” are pretty humorous.

Abnormal depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.

At least 2 weeks!! What a laugh!! Try most of my life!!

Okay. I'm heading down again. I can feel the change. Heh. Like Dr. Banner, just before the "Hulk" takes over. I try to fight it. I try so very hard to will it away. It doesn't go away. At best I can force it just under the surface, hide it behind my acting. My pretending.

Right. It is 2:30pm, Wednesday afternoon. I am going to take a shower, and then I'm off to get the boys from school. I want a salad, which is kind of weird. Once I have the boys we'll stop at the grocery store and get salads.

Forgive me. I am genuinely sorry. For a great many things.

Regards,
jc