Euphoria
I feel great. Euphoric. Manic. I am laughing at the stupidest things. I know it's either that or cry. If I start crying, I may not be able to stop. That's a scary thing.
Heidi brought me some info on some intensive inpatinet care facility for sex addicts, which I guess I am. That's hard to take. I guess, like Heidi said, it explains a lot. At the same time, it doesn't explain anything.
Would I really be capable of hurting someone else? Wow. Is it worse because she thinks so? I mean, the thought of hurting anyone besides myself had never even crossed my mind. Yeah, I look at pretty women, but I never thought of harming one. Crap. This isn't really doing much for my self esteem. If anything, it's adding fuel to the fire, giving me an even better excuse/reason to terminate myself.
Do I want the kids growing up knowing that I was some kind of predator? Or a suicide? Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think this was "Hobson's Choice" but I can't remember the quote. How the heck do I pray for this one?
Heidi wanted me to write about some specific things, but I am choosing not to. I am afraid of my past. I don't know why, really, but I refuse to dwell on it. It doesn't really matter why. It is dead to me. I need to concentrate on the now and the future.
Now that the seed has been planted in my brain, how will I ever be able to do any body work? How can I trust myself? Am I really that much of a danger? Man, I am really scared.
I remember starting to read "Lord Foul's Bane" (I think) back in the early 80's. I couldn't read past the first or second chapter because the "hero" rapes an innocent young woman. That set the stage for the rest of the series, but I could never stomach it. Maybe I was afraid I might do it myself? Nah. I just didn't like the mere thought of it. I still don't.
Man, I am one messed up dude. but I am NOT AN ANIMAL!! God, help me, but I am not an animal. I am not a predator!! I am sick, yes, but, please God, not that sick.
Heidi brought me some info on some intensive inpatinet care facility for sex addicts, which I guess I am. That's hard to take. I guess, like Heidi said, it explains a lot. At the same time, it doesn't explain anything.
Would I really be capable of hurting someone else? Wow. Is it worse because she thinks so? I mean, the thought of hurting anyone besides myself had never even crossed my mind. Yeah, I look at pretty women, but I never thought of harming one. Crap. This isn't really doing much for my self esteem. If anything, it's adding fuel to the fire, giving me an even better excuse/reason to terminate myself.
Do I want the kids growing up knowing that I was some kind of predator? Or a suicide? Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think this was "Hobson's Choice" but I can't remember the quote. How the heck do I pray for this one?
Heidi wanted me to write about some specific things, but I am choosing not to. I am afraid of my past. I don't know why, really, but I refuse to dwell on it. It doesn't really matter why. It is dead to me. I need to concentrate on the now and the future.
Now that the seed has been planted in my brain, how will I ever be able to do any body work? How can I trust myself? Am I really that much of a danger? Man, I am really scared.
I remember starting to read "Lord Foul's Bane" (I think) back in the early 80's. I couldn't read past the first or second chapter because the "hero" rapes an innocent young woman. That set the stage for the rest of the series, but I could never stomach it. Maybe I was afraid I might do it myself? Nah. I just didn't like the mere thought of it. I still don't.
Man, I am one messed up dude. but I am NOT AN ANIMAL!! God, help me, but I am not an animal. I am not a predator!! I am sick, yes, but, please God, not that sick.
posted by Cherrycat at 1:18 AM
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