Hurray

Tuesday, november 23rd, 2004

4:00pm - Yay. It's Tuesday. Right. Another day. Hurray for my side.

Okay, so, like I have this bipolar thing, and I have these little seizure things, and I have my addiction, and I have my dissociative episodes. Am I forgetting anything?? Don't think so. Anyway, thanks to all of the above I have lost the following: a possibly interesting career helping others; I have lost my TV priviledges; I have lost my laptop; I have lost my driving priviledgs; I have lost my mind; I gained and lost my voices; I am slowly driving my wife nuts; I have a 7 year old who gets freaked out when I leave the house, cause he's afraid I may not be coming back; I don't actually trust myself very much; I've lost ability to help out with the kids at church. I dunno. There're probably other things, but I can't think of them now. Actually, that's enough.

Okay, like, the career thing isn't really a thing, cause I can always (ha!) find another job. The TV thing, well, I do get kinda bored sometimes, and having that would be sorta handy. My laptop isn't really that big a thing, but it still hurts. My ability to drive, though, that really sucks 'cause I really enjoyed driving the kids to school. Losing my mind isn't that big a deal, either, when you really think about it. It's not like I was using it, or anything. My voices. Well, that's kinda of interesting, really. I've been thinking a lot about them the past few days. I miss them. Simple enough. They understood me. They understood what I was going through. They knew what I was feeling almost better than I did. In their own twisted way, they cared about me. They cared more about me than I do. Shit. I can't say enough about how much I depend on Heidi. She deserves better than that. I genuinely wish I could do more, but I can't. The 7 year old, wow, that's a big bummer. He's acting out a lot, doing some seriously improper things on the bus, and there's shit I can do about it. Oh, yeah, I get to be the bad guy when he gets home. Great. Trusting myself, well, it really just has to do with my mood swings, and the little seizures. The kids at church, well, I volunteered once a month to help out with one of the classes. I got a call today that I've been relieved of that honor. You know, until I get better.

I'm feeling very hurt, very raw and vulnerable.

Banging Your Heart

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

12:35am - Well, here I am. Again. Crap. I'm still feeling kinda wired, but it's mellowing out some. I really did have a great day. I am really sorry that Heidi did not. Well, it's not that she had a bad day, it's just that it wasn't a good one.

In her own words, she has a real hard time figuring me out. Sometimes I'm in a fairly good mood, other times I shut down, then other times I completely withdraw, and, finally, there are days like yesterday, when I'm off the wall. The really sad thing about this is that she never knows which me is going to show up in the morning. While it is difficult for me, it must doubly so for her. She's the one that has to deal with me, in whatever form I happen to appear. That cannot be an easy thing, and I am sorry.

She has such wonderful dreams, my wife, and I guess my only dream is that I could take pleasure in her dreams. For whatever reason, call it cowardice, call it inability, shit, call it whatever you want. The bottom line is that I cannot dream. I can't look past the now, and it bugs me. I am so very afraid of everything. The list is quite long, actually. I'm afraid of going outside; I'm afraid of hanging out with people; I'm afraid of being alone; I'm afraid of caring; I'm afraid of hurting others; I'm afraid of being hurt; I'm afraid of waking up in the morning with my shakes and not having Heidi there to hold me tight; I'm afraid of people caring for me; I'm afraid of God, and what he may have in store for me; I'm afraid of not believing in God. I'm just damned afraid.

It would be ... No ... It is terribly easy to blame this on the illness, but I'm afraid of doing that, too!! Dammit, I just want to go on with my life, but I can't seem to be able to do that. I know there are so many things I should be doing, but I can't do them. The simplest of tasks seems insurmountable. I am afraid of succeeding. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of trying, fer cryin' out loud!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?? That I fail?? Well, shit, bub, Rome wasn't built in a fucking day!! But, then again, I'm not an Empire, I'm just some Joe Dude trying to stay alive, one day at a time. That is just so fucking lame, though!! Crap.

Every day I tell myself that today is the day I'm going to rejoin the human race. Every day fail. So, what?? Didn't I try hard enough?? Did I make a genuine effort?? Did I really try my absolute best?? Hell, did I even try?? I just don't know.

My walking papers have been offered to me a number of times, yet I haven't taken them. By God, what would happen if I did?? I'm not saying this to lay a trip on anyone, but I genuinely believe I would die. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I would be a walking corpse. Why?? Because I would be alive without my heart, without my soul, without my life. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I feel. God help me, but I feel so helpless so much of the time.

Anger is always a way out, too, but I'm learning to control that. I don't like being angry. I don't want to be angry!! In a way, I really miss my voices. They gave me a reason to feel sick. I would catch myself having these intense conversations with them, and I would be troubled by it. They were seducing, actually. So rational, when they wanted to be. So very angry, otherwise. And yet, I miss them. How unhealthy is that?? Yeah, I've been thinking about them the last few days. Dunno why, but there you have it.

So, I started this thing about how I was viewing things, and I've managed, as always, to turn into a whine fest. I try so hard to remain on an even keel, but it is extremely difficult, at best. Dammit, I don't know who I'm going to be when I wake up in the fucking morning!! Every night, every single fucking night, I lie there, wondering if I will dream that night, and who I will be when I wake up in the morning.

Imagine this: You go to bed, nice and relaxed from your happy meds, and you tell yourself that tomorrow is the day you make your comeback. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It is going to be a positive day. You are going to do at least one positive thing that you can be proud of, that your kids might be proud of, or that your wife will be proud of. Every single night you say this to yourself. Every single night you promise yourself that you will do this. Every single night you promise yourself that you will make the effort. Every single night you promise yourself that you will succeed. Yet, every single night, just before you fade away into oblivion, you know that you will fail. It has absolutely nothing to do with will power, or any of that happy shit. It is just simply a fact of life.

I try though. God knows that I try. Yet every single time, every moment of my day, I fail. And every single night I start the cycle all over again. Maybe I'm just too stupid to realize that I can't win this one. Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand. Maybe I'm just too fucking dense to get it.

"all alone
or in twos
the ones who really love you
walk up and down
outside the wall
some hand-in-hand
and some gathered together in bands
the bleeding hearts and the artists
make their stand
and when they've given you their all
some stagger and fall
after all
it's not easy
banging your heart
against some mad bugger's wall"

That's how I feel, really, except I've shut myself outside my own wall!! And I want to "tear down the wall!!" I really do. I see it in the mirror sometimes, and it frightens me. I see myself. I actually see "JC" hiding just behind my eyes. But I can't hear what he's saying, and he can't hear me. We're both crying out for each other, but are separated by walls that are just too tall, too thick to get through. But there are chinks in the armor, oh, yes!! I do sometimes have moments of clarity, but they are so few and far apart that it's almost hopeless. I am trapped inside and outside myself. For too many years I have hidden myself from myself, and now I can't find me. Oh, crap. I'm going to bed.

Attack Of The Super

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

7:00pm - Manic. Euphoric. Hyper. Excited. Overexcited. Raving. Up. High. Frenzied. Wild. Bananas. Whacko. Maniacal. Mad. Any and all of the above!! Woohoo!!! I am riding high today!! Wow!! I haven't felt like this in a reeaallllly long time!! What a rush!! This is just terrific!! Yeah, baby!! This the good part of the roller coaster ride!! Well, maybe not the good part, but it is pretty neat!!

Okay, so like when I crash it's really gonna suck, but for right now, I am enjoying this ride!! I mean, wow, I actually feel, well, good. Great, even!! It is amazing!! Truly so!! Since this whole thing started I haven't actually felt this way. It's just a wow kinda thing!! Okay, maybe saying I feel good is a a bit of a stretch. Whatever. I don't actually care. Yeah!! And I feel good about not caring. Ha!!

Man, this is really unbelievable. I dunno what caused it, except maybe cause I spent the afternoon hanging out with a friend I hadn't seen in a really long time, and I was able to tell him all the crap that I've been going through over the past few months, and he was very understanding, and asked a bunch of really good, pertinent questions, and really wanted to understand what I was going through, and was just a really great pal about the whole thing, even though some of the stuff I told him was kinda rough, and a little freaky, but he was just real understanding, and boy golly, I certainly could use more friends like that, cause I just feel really great about the whole thing, even though it was a little tough getting some of the stuff out, but I managed to do it, and the world didn't exactly come to an end, and nothing really bad happened, like my head exploding or anything, so I need to maybe try reaching out to other people, and maybe lighten the load on Heidi, and myself, cause sometimes it's really rough being me, and dumping on Heidi all the time is not necessarily such a great thing, and she's put up with a lot of stuff from me over the past few months, and I really love her very much, and she's been nothing but a real trooper during this whole messy thingness that I've been going through, and I am one lucky dude to have her as my support. I don't think that's a very well structured sentence, but it felt good to write it!!

I dunno what else to say, really, other than I feel good. Yah, I'm gonna crash tomorrow, probably, but that's tomorrow and I ain't gonna worry about until it shows up. It is kinda freaky knowing that this not a "normal" state of being. No way could the body/mind handle this euphoria long term. No way. I would end up back in the hospital, sure as shit, and that's something I don't want, so in really sick and twisted sort of way I would much rather live with the "depressed" me. No, actually, I would like to find a happy medium. You know, where I can enjoy some stuff, and not enjoy some stuff. You know, like "normal" people do. I mean, I dunno what normal is, actually, and it might not even exist, and maybe everybody else is just as messed up in the head as I am, only they're hiding or handling it better than me, so maybe I am okay and all of you guys are fucked up and need to visit a psych ward for a couple of weeks, which would be an extremely illuminating experience for anyone!!!

Okay, so, like, I'm kinda rambling, really, with very little of import to say, which is okay, cause sometimes you just gotta say a whole lotta nothing, just cause it might feel okay to do it. Or not, which is okay, too. So, like, yeah. There you go. Sometimes not feeling okay is okay!! Just like sometimes feeling okay is okay. Hmm. I think I'm losing my concentration a little bit. That's okay, though. I mean, maybe I just ran outta things to say, you know. Ah, well. If I think of anything else I'll add it later. Or tomorrow. Or not. Whatever.

Heavy Equipment

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

9:30am - I am again feeling like crap, almost as bad as when I was in the hospital. I dunno. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's just me. Whatever. I am almost on the verge of giving up.

Heidi spoke with my dad at some length yesterday. Dad is ready to take me in, for as long as necessary. He just bought a 5 acre chunk of land, a little hill, that has two trailers on it. One is occupied, the other is not. I can move into the empty one at any time. Also, if I want to bring the Lizard along, we can figure out how to get him enrolled in a school down there.

I doubt if the state of Florida would be more lenient toward epileptic mental patients when it comes to driving. Huh. Maybe they would be, considering how many old folk they driving around down there. Nah.

My brain and my body feel numb. Comfortably numb. "Hello. Is there anybody in there?? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home??" This used to be one of my all time favorite albums, The Wall. I listened to it some weeks back and burst into tears in a lot of spots. The bloody thing hit home so many times, it was frightening. So, now I won't listen to it again, 'cause I'm scared of it. Go figure.

Because of the numbness, I am struggling to make this post somewhat coherent. I am regularly missing letters, and sometimes whole words. It is kinda funky. Thank goodness for spell checkers. I have been doing a lot of sleeping lately, which I know is because of the meds. Shoot, every single one of those little bottles has at least three warning stickers about "may cause dizziness," "may make you drowsy," amd my all time favorite, "avoid operating heavy equipment." Yup. That's the story of my life. I cannot operate heavy equipment. That is a tragedy. It is a wrong in need of righting. How dare they take away my ability to operate heavy equipment!! that's just down right rude of them!! Well, to hell with them!! Hah!! The fact that I don't even know how to operate heavy equpment is no reason to for them to take away my right to do so!!

Ah, i'm getting goofy. I'm going upstairs to lay down. And dream.. Yes, I am dreaming again, and it feels great.

It's mini-vans for me!!

Saturday, November 20th, 2004

8:50am - Crap.

Not the best way to start this thing, huh?? Sadly, that's pretty much the way I feel. Like crap. I am not angry, though, which is not nearly as surprising as one might think. Maybe not. What do I know.

Has anyone seen the new Mustangs?? Wow!! Gorgeous!! This is the first time I've actually enjoyed a ford product in more than 25 years. This new mustang is just float out nice. It's like they combined the look of the past bunch of years, which was kinda lame, with the Mustang of the early 70's. Really nice car.

So, why am I even remotely interested in cars?? I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to be able to own a "car." It's mini-vans for me!! That, of course, assumes that I'll driving again. Someday. Maybe. If I'm really, really lucky. I mean, hey, miracles have been known to happen. Granted, not to me, but, gee, it gives me something to look forward to.

Hey, let's make a list of the few things JC enjoys doing. This will be a fun exercise!! Matter of fact, it's a fun filled game for the whole family!! Woohoo!!

Umm, first I lost my ability to care. That was a pretty good one.

Next, I think I lost my ability to feel. Hmm. Maybe caring and feeling are the same thing, only different?? Interesting.

I used to enjoy watching TV. West Wing, CSI, and the NFL. That was pretty much it. I did really enjoy pushing that little button on the remote and going through the 100+ channels, looking for something interesting to watch. Too bad for me. DirecTV was cut off. Now we get absolutely no signal. Too bad for me.

I used to enjoy hanging out on my lap top. I used to spend hours reading about anything that seemed even mildy interesting. Of course, I did have that little issue with porn. On the one hand, I understand why my laptop got taken away, and on that level I'm okay with it. It's that it was something I used to enjoy doing, and now I can't.

I used to enjoy reading books. Sci-fi, fantasy, whatever. I no longer have any interest. At all. It's like, why bother?? What possible use is there in reading?? Just a bunch of crap.

I totally enjoy taking the kids to school, and picking them up in the afternoon. I haven't been doing the afternoon pickup because of Kiefer's teasing. I don't want him to think I can rescue him every time. This one is really sucky for me, too, 'cause I really care about this kid, and it hurts me to know other kids are fucking with him. So, I haven't been doing the afternoon thing. Now, thanks to whatever the fuck is wrong with my head, I can't even take them to school in the morning. Woohoo!!

Alright, so the above list might seem like whinning, or maybe anger. It's neither, really. I'm just sharing. Heh. Okay. Maybe I am doing a little whinning. But there is no anger. I am totally resigned to being fucked from now on. I can count on absolutely nothing. Heh. What the heck is next?? Hmm. I'm actually kind of afraid of asking that question.

You know, I really am just tired of trying. I've been trying really fucking hard since this shit started back in late August. But, for what?? Why am I trying to get better?? what's in it for me?? Yup. That's selfish as shit. I don't care. I mean, if I can't do this for myself, why bother?? Well, I have to think about my family. Right. They'd be so much better without me around to slow them down. Dante, though. Dante would probably be destroyed by my death. That sucks, knowing that. I'm not flattering myself here, folks. That kid and I are really that close. But, crap, I'd really like to be able to care.

Is it that important, really, to lose ... Alright, that was a stupid line of thought. Of course it's important that I lost my ability to drive!! It sucks big time. But, I'm not angry about it. I feel spent. I just want to lay down, say fuck it, and just not wake up again. I wish it were that easy.

Temporal Lobe

Friday, November 19th, 2004

7:35am - You know how sometimes you're just having a bad day, or year, and you say to yourself, "Well, it could be worse." Don't do it. Don't say it. How about if you've been having some difficulties and things are starting to look good for the immediate future. Pretty cool, huh?? Don't believe it. You are merely being set up for the hammer to fall.

I suppose it all has to do with faith. Do I ocassionally believe it could be worse?? Certainly!! Do I sometimes believe that things are looking good for me?? You betcha!! Do I generally get burned by these pseudo-possitive thoughts?? Most regularly.

I've been busting my butt since this whole crap started back in August. I've been trying to do all the right things. There have been a bunch of setbacks along the day, of course, but I think that with the help of friends and family I've been able to handle them. Not always well, but I have at least made the effort.

I got my nuts kicked in yesterday. Figuratively speaking. I dunno if I'ev made mention of this or not, but here goes. Since 1979, when I was in the car accident, I have had periods of ... I dunno what to call them. A few times I've passed out for no apparent reason. Basically, I'm standing there, and then I'm sprawled on the floor. A few moments, or minutes, later, I'm up and about again as thought nothing has happened. That's one of the things. The other things is that now and again I get these little brain farts where I just go away. I'll be sitting at the table eating and my fork will suddenly stop half-way between me and the plate, while I go and take a mental vacation. I have no idea what happens during these episodes, nor am I even aware that they are taking place. The only way I know about them is if someone happens to be around when I have one. Heidi has tried calling my name, and speaking to me during these episodes, but has been unable to get any response from me. I eventually "snap" out of it and continue what I was doing just prior to the "gap."

There was one particular time that I was aware of it happening simply because of the circumstances. I was bring the boys home from school a couple of years ago. We stopped at a red light. The boys were in the back of the van, chattering away. Suddenly I opened my eyes to discover that the light had changed to green and that I had no idea what had happened. Pretty neat, huh?? As you can see, this would be an extremely sucky thing to have happend while driving along, say, the turnpike, doing 70.

We made an appointment at the U of Penn Hospital, with their neurology department. It is suspected that these may be episodes of "Temporal Lobe Epilepsy." Cool. I have yet another thing wrong with me!! So, bottom line that They suspect I have these things, but are as yet unable to make a proper diagnosis. Okay. Meantime, they have to write a letter to the Department of Transportation to tell them that I have these episodes and that I shouldn't be allowed to drive. They told me that to get my license back I would have to go six months straight without a single episode. Oh, yah, like that's gonna happen!!

Little by little, the few things in life that I enjoyed are being taken away from me. I'm trying really hard to accept these changes. I mean, what choice do I have?? But, I am getting really frustrated. Angry, too. I was really upset all of yesterday, after the appointment. I have no idea how much more I can take.

Remain Rational

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

5:00pm - Okay, so, like, now I am again a totally worthless human being because I slept all day, and there's stuff that needs to get done. Now, I'm not saying that the stuff would have gotten done had I not been sleeping, but I'm not doing all this sleeping by choice and she knows it, and now she's throwing it in my face. Talk about mood swings!!

What the hell am I supposed to say?? If I get angry then I'm being a selfish prick. If I complain about her being angry, well, I'm being a selfish prick. If I don't say anything about it, again, I'm being a selfish prick for ignoring her. If I get so upset that my ideations start trying to take over, well, I'm being a selfish prick. No matter what I do here, I can't win. But, it's not about winning. I don't want to win this fight. I could care less who wins this fight. All I'm trying to do is get better. If she wants to argue with me, fine, but don't get pissed off because I'm not getting pissed off.

It's like, one moment she's all right-on and supportive and understanding. Next moment, though, look out!! Every small thing you've ever done, ever contemplated, anything at all that may have happened because of you, or even in your vicinity will get brought out in the harsh light of day, and you will be brought to task.

Ya know, one good thing I've learned since this whole debacle started is how to control my anger. I dunno know. Control might be too strong a word. I guess I've learned how to manage it much better than before. We used to get into some really sweet shouting matches. We've had a couple since this started, I guess. I don't know for sure. Anyway, if she started in on me like she did this afternoon, I would have blown up in her face, given her as good as she gave me. No longer, though. Now that I think about it, that may cause her even more anger, the fact that I'm not fighting back. Well, no, that's not true. It's not like I'm giving up. I'm just choosing my fights better, or am trying to avoid them completely. I'm trying to remain rational, logical, in control. I know I'm much better at it than I'd been recently. It might have something to do witht the meds. Do you know what happens to me if I do let myself get angry?? It instantly becomes rage. A huge all-consuming rage. It is terrible seeing it from the inside. I guess the best way to describe it is that the rage pushes me aside, or way back and it tries to take control. Ah, I don't want to go there.

Good Bookmarks

8:20am - Good morning!! Rise and shine!! It's just going to be such a fabulous day today!! Of course, we must not forget our healthy breakfast, which will carry us through the morning!! Hugs and kisses for the whole family, too, for those are almost as important as our breakfast!! Chop, chop!! Up-and-at-'em, sleepy heads!!

What crap. Sadly, or maybe, it's just freaky that there are people out there just like this. I mean, talk about spooky. Can you imagine waking up to that every day?? I think I'd have to shoot myself. Oh, wait!! I've already been planning to do that!! Well, thank goodness for that.

I've been really pissed off since last night, particularly at the wife unit. Back in August, when I was really acting out, she took my laptop away. No biggie. I knew it was for my own good. Heck, I didn't even ask for it once, even though I was really wanting to listen to my mp3's. I didn't say peep. I figured I'd be good for a while, then she'd give it back to me on a trial basis. Didn't happen. I'm still okay with this. One night, though, she decides that she doesn't want to use her work laptop anymore so she's going to use mine. Again, I'm okay with that. Then, she starts removing programs, changing settings, all kinds of crap. I mean, she's moving in!! I ask her to stop making changes and she just fucking blows me off!! Again, last night, she imports her damned bookmarks, and goes around fucking with mine!! Again, no questions asked, nothing. It's like I don't fucking even exist. Now, if I were to go in and make changes on her stuff, I'd never hear the fucking end of it.

This morning I find out that she doesn't have to go to work because it's veterans day. Fine. Great. She gets up this morning, though, and takes over my daily morning ritual. I mean, wow, thanks for the help!! Thanks for taking from me one of the only things I look forward to every fucking day!! I've tried asking, but she just doesn't get it. Of course, if I press the subject, she gets all pissed off at me, and suddenly I'm the bad guy. I mean, how dare I make a big deal out of such petty things?? I mean, she was only trying to help, right?? I guess i just don't appreciate her help, and why do I get so upset about it when tries to help?? Yeah, like I could win that argument.

You know, it's days like this that make life worth living. Yup. Nothing better than a bunch of anger getting piled up inside of you, looking for a way to escape, to explode, to yell and scream and holler, to through stones, to break things, to take a leisurely drive around town, hoping and praying to whatever deity you choose that some dumb ass will run a red light and slam into you, so you can either die, finally, or at the very least finally kill my van. Yeah, it's days like this that make me just want to go on living happily ever fucking after.

I was in a great mood last night, I really was. Heck, I even prayed, sincerely!! I was really in good place last night. And then such a small, petty thing like changing how I have my bookmarks set up throws me all off. But, you know, it's not that petty. It was my thing, and now it's been taken away from me, without even a simple "may I." It just fucking hurts. Like what I want just doesn't fucking matter. Damnit, all I want to fucking do is die!! Fine. I'm not allowed to do that. Fine. Is there anything I am allowed to do?? Oh, yeah, right I HAVE TO get myself straightened out with PSMT. Doesn't matter what else I do but I MUST DO THAT. Of course, emotionally I can't do that, but it doesn't matter. I ABSOLUTELY MUST GET THAT DONE!! NOW!! If not sooner.

Crap. This turned into a wife bashing entry, which was not what I intended. I just wanted to vent some of my frustrations. I guess I'll have plenty of crap to talk about with the doctor next week.

Windshields

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

8:30pm - Another day, another bunch of pills down the gullet. I realized this weekend that I haven't updated this thing in a long while. I just added some of the stuff I wrote over the weekend, so that's a start. There's a bunch of stuff in my journal, though, that hasn't been transcribed. I dunno if I'll ever get around to it, but I am going to try to keep with this thing from now on.

For many years I always thought of God and the church as a crutch people used when they weren't able to handle their own shit. Ooh, i have this terrible thing!! I'll join a church and pray every night and everything will be hunky dory again!! Right. But, I did have faith at one time. Honest to goodness, wow, there is a God, kinda faith. I believed. I prayed. I went to church. Life was good. Then, one day I got sick and, instead of asking God for help, I kicked God right out of my life. I've said some unkind things about God the past couple of months. I meant them, and I am not taking them back. I am, however, beginning to realize that I may not have really been angry with God at all. I don't know. I'm still trying to sort out my emotions on this one.

I don't actually have a lot to say tonight. I think I'm coming down with something. My throat's been kinda sore all day, and now I'm feeling achy all over. Great, just what I need, on top of everything else. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes your the bug. I need a turn at being the windshield ...

Pain vs. Suicide

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

7:05am – Made it again. Another day under my belt. Woohoo. Hurray for my side. Seriously, I am grateful to have made it this far, difficult though it has been. I wish I had had the strength to write last night, but I didn’t. So, I’ll finish last night this morning, and write today’s thoughts later. Here we go.

I did attend the SA meeting last night, and I am glad I did. Joe, from S.T.A.R. was there and he was super happy to see me. For whatever reason he is another one of these human beings that see great things in JC. He claims that it is because of my strength(?) that he has been able to endure the past few weeks. He claims that there is a connection between us, which there may be, that gives him strength and allows him to believe that he can succeed. Okay. This is the kind of crap Heidi is always telling me.

Why, though, what is it about JC that makes people trust him?? Is it the way I smell?? Is it my graying, short hair?? Is it ‘cause I’m fat?? Perhaps it is because I am such a great actor?? Maybe it is because I think I am acting while in reality I am merely being myself?? Now that is one interesting thought. Hmm.

Heidi said that the church is planning to get someone to minister to the congregation. Pastoral care, I think she called it. Someone to go to funerals, weddings, hospitals: someone to comfort the dying, the sick: someone to visit mental patients: some willing to just listen: someone to just pray with. As soon as she said it I felt a jolt, not a big one, mind you, but a small sense of rightness. Which I immediately squashed like a bug. I am not in a very nice spiritual place, and I don’t know if or when I will get out it. But, dang it, that sounded so right. I am certain they would want a genuine pastor person, rather than someone like me, and yes, I am already sabotaging myself, but I have to be realistic.

The SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings support themselves a lot by leaning upon a Higher Power. It can be whatever you want it to be. The book refers to it as God, but you can call it Vishnu, or Bob, or Athena, or Freyja, or whatever deity you desire. The whole point of the thing is that you are surrendering your disease to said deity, and know in your heart that it will help you. Something like that, anyway. I know that I still have a bit of faith somewhere in me, as Sal pointed out. But I am angry. Terribly so. I am so very afraid of being let down again. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of misinterpreting His wishes. How do I really know that it was He who tried to guide me?? How do I know I wasn’t just deluding myself?? Am I really supposed to heal and teach?? Am I?? I have no way of knowing!! Faith isn’t enough. It shouldn’t be, not when you are dealing with the well being, spiritual or otherwise, of another human being. There has to be more. Perhaps, there has to be less, too.

I’ve often thought that this crap I’m going through is just a test. It sucks. I hate taking tests. I hate living tests even more. Perhaps He is merely trying to strengthen me. Well, that’s very nice, thank you, but what am I being strengthened for, exactly?? Am I supposed to face a giant?? Will I be forced to stand alone before a horde of (not pc) midgets?? All I’m asking for is a little guidance.

5:30pm – I think it was yesterday, or the day before, that I said if I told the p-doc (psychiatrist) about my conversations with my voices he would either have me committed or he would increase my Seroquel. Well, I told him about it, the voices. He increased my Seroquel. Seroquel is a nice little med that, for me, brings me very restful, much needed sleep. Basically, I feel totally stoned when I take it. It’s kinda cool, but kind of a pain, too. I should not drive when I’m on this stuff. I tried taking a walk down the train tracks this morning, but that was a bad idea, cause I was really cold and shaky, and not very stable on my feet. So, I turned around, got home, patted the dogs, then passed out. I woke up around 3 this afternoon. What a waste of a day. I’m hoping that within a couple of days my body will get used to this stuff and I’ll be able to function. The alternative is another trip to the hospital, but I’m not ready for that!!

The other thing I’ve been trying to deal with is that I am curious as to whether or not I would feel pain if I actually went through with the suicide. If you think about your body in a physiological sense, you know that the conduction of stimuli from any part of your body to the brain is instantaneous. Sometimes it borders on pre-sentience, if you think about it. Take it the other way around. I am typing. The brain has to know what I am thinking and immediately sends signals to my fingers, all of them at the same time, to hit the correct key. Not only do they have to hit the correct key, but they have to know where that key is. Some of that is muscle memory, like your fingers know where to move on the keyboard without you looking at it. But it still borders on pre-sentience. So, that being said, if you step on a tack with your left great toe, you feel it instantly!! The stimuli has to travel all the way from your toe to you brain, and back, but it happens instantaneously!! It is quite amazing, really. Your toe feels the thing, your brain acknowledges it as pain, then tells your whole leg to move the toe away from there. Not only that, but your brain has also already processed the damage, if any, cause by the tack and is handling it. All this happens virtually at the same exact moment. How?? How does this happen??

Okay, alright. I’m not getting into physiology discussion here. I was just trying to make a point, but can’t even remember what it was. Oh, yeah, I was trying to say that I’ve been wondering what, if anything, I would feel if I were to go through with my suicide. Would I feel anything?? The bullet penetrating the brain is virtually instantaneous, but not as fast as a message being transmitted to the brain. Oh, crap. This is pointless. It doesn’t matter whether or not I feel anything, for I would be dead soon thereafter. But, I am still curious.

7:40pm – I don’t know. I’ve been doing a lot of writing the past couple of days. Heidi is under the impression that I am getting better. I don’t know. There are moments when I feel okay, followed by moments when I don’t. Ooh!! One thing I realized, but haven’t really processed yet, is that I have possibly been manic-depressive for all of my adult life. If you consider the number of times I have changed jobs, or lost interest in things that I was really hung up on, you might actually see a pattern. Not a nice one, but there it is. Why in the world would I suddenly decide to quit a job I was enjoying?? Why in the world would I suddenly quit a job I was really good at?? Why would I suddenly give up on a hobby I had enjoyed for years?? For no other reason than I’m just not interested anymore?? That’s pretty darned lame.

Another thought I’ve been having the last few days is that, well, maybe this God person is not the one I’m really angry at. Maybe I’m angry, terribly so, at the church leadership. I know that there are a great number of people who care about me at church, even if it’s just a simple acknowledgement of me a as “brother-in-Christ.” They do care. The folks in our Home Team do genuinely care. They really do. All day long I have been thinking about just showing up there tonight, just walk in, tell them how much I appreciate what they’ve done for us, give them my heart-felt thanks, and go back to doing whatever it is that I do. But, I can’t. And, no, I’m not getting into the “why” of it.

So, back to this God person. Do I really have a beef with him?? Seriously. What has he actually done to me?? Did He turn his back on me?? I doubt it. Did he leave me to my own devises?? Probably. Did he lay this heavy trip on me, with the illness and all the other shit I’ve been going through?? I doubt it. I mean, yes, he could have saved me some of the trouble, sure. Maybe he could have made it just a little less painful, eased some of my suffering. But, had he done that, would I be where I am today?? I don’t know. I guess that’s the root of my problem, the not knowing. How easy it would be if God where just wandering among us, where we could just reach out and say, “Hey, man, what would you like me to do today??” That would be way cool. Instead, we are supposed to pray. To ask for guidance. To ask for strength. Most of the time, those prayers aren’t exactly answered. Matter of fact, most prayers don’t get answered. Sure, now and then you get a sense of rightness about something, but it sure as shit doesn’t happen nearly often enough. Finally, if you’re lucky enough to get a prayer “answered,” it’s never completely so. It’s never a simple answer.

I had been asking God for help and guidance for a really long time. Out of the blue one day, the guy answers me. It wasn’t anything dramatic, like a big voice, or a message carved in stone. It was just a very simple gut feeling that I was supposed to heal and to teach. Ooooo-kay. Umm, God?? What exactly does that mean?? Hello?? God?? Here I am, still trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to teach, and who it is I am supposed to heal. I’ve prayed and prayed for a little bit of guidance, but none has come. I frustrated myself terribly, trying to figure this one out. I finally gave up. How can I possibly do His will if He won’t tell me what His will is!!! What, am I supposed to guess?? Oops, that wasn’t it!! Next!! Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to mess you guys up, but I thought this was what God wanted me to do!! Oh, umm, I suggest you guys seek therapy, really, ‘cause I ain’t the guy to help you!! And so, here comes the anger and frustration again, so end of line …

Tomorrow

Monday, November 8th, 2004

5:50pm – Another day. I had a minor panic attack today, my first official day out of day care. It sucked. Big time. I had a list of things to do, which Heidi made me do, and I only managed to get five of them done, and two of those I cheated. I did, though, at Heidi’s request, take the five kayaks and all the paddles out to the shed. I neither enjoyed nor disliked the task. It was just something that had to be done, and I did it. I suppose that’s something. Tomorrow. After I drop the boys off at school I have promised myself that I will take a long walk in the park. I enjoyed that trail.

One of the things I did today was contact a gentleman I met at the S.T.A.R. program. We spoke for a bit, which felt pretty good. I asked what SA meetings he was attending and he told me that he goes to one of the ones I used to attend, before the Second Collapse. I have made up my mind to start attending these meetings again, starting tonight.

9:30pm - I made it to the SA meeting tonight. It was wonderful!! It was good to be able to hold myself accountable to a bunch of guys that are going through what I'm now going through. It was a relieving experience, if that makes sense. I look forward to the next meeting.

A Good Day

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

7:35pm – I just don’t know. I realize I have said this before, but it is truth. I don’t know. I have no faith, either, which makes life really worth living. I have below par self-anything, including image, worth, value, etc.. I don’t believe in anything at all, really. I don’t believe I’m going to get better. I don’t believe in my voices, which are becoming the sanest part of my life.

Well, I had a conversation with another of my voices this morning. He approached me, very politely. I had to postpone the conversation, though, because the small human was asking for my help. The voice let me!! It let me go on about my business, without complaint!! Wow!! How cool is that?!? I just finished talking with them a little bit ago. Nothing substantial, except for the fact that not only do they fear me, they also like me!! That one is a bit hard to believe, but I could feel their sincerity. This is really starting to freak me out. Not only do I have voices in my head, but they like me!! Ha!! Yup. That’s why they want me to kill myself. Oh, sure, they feel kinda bad about that part, but it’s for my own good. Right.

Last night, and all of today, I have been wearing the mask I had been wearing for the past few years. I hadn’t worn it in a while, and it feels a bit uncomfortable. I wore it anyway. Why, though?? Why would I do such a thing?? I guess because I am starting to side with the voices. Aside from the fact that they want me dead, they’re not so bad. Crap. Now I’m starting to justify the existence of my voices. Like, if I tell the doctor, he’s either gonna up my Seroquel, or give me yet another pill. Crap.

I know I should stop trying to talk to them, the voices, but it’s like I’m obsessing over them. That what they say is of some importance. I am getting comfortable with them. I am enjoying speaking with them. I realize that they are probably manifestations of my self, but they do feel other enough to make them appealing. This is nuts.

Heidi and I talked about church a little today. Actually, she talked and I listened. Well, I did tell her that I was not interested in having anything to do with that, or any, church. Thank you. It’s that loss of faith thing, and my anger with god. The church leadership let Heidi and I down big time during my hospitalizations. She actually spoke with one of the pastors today, some dumb-ass punk who graduated from church school only a couple of years ago. His response to our being let down by the church was “Oops, sorry, I let you down.” No shit, dumb-fuck!! Wow!! We didn’t see that one coming!! Gosh, he let us down!! I am fucking shocked!! Well, I suppose we should take some comfort in the fact that he did respond within three months of Heidi asking for help. I’m just glad it wasn’t anything fucking serious, like, say, our house burning down, or, maybe Heidi getting in a car accident. I guess being a dumb-ass mental fucking patient who wants to blow his mother-fucking brains out just doesn’t quite cut the mustard with our little church. Hey, maybe they all had visitations from god telling them to ignore that pathetic loser in the fucking mental hospital. Maybe it’s just god’s fucking way of having some fucking fun at my mother-fucking expense!! Ha!!

Just to be fair, though. It wasn’t all of the church, just the fucking church leadership!! Oh, yeah, they lead, alright. Well, lead my fucking hairy brown ass to mother-fucking greener pastures, you pathetic, double standard bearing cock sucking sons of bitches!! I know for a fact I will see each and every last one of you bastards burning in hell, and I will make sure to save a space for you right fucking next to me!! Because seeing you suffer will make my stay in hell a little more bearable. But, I digress … I was saying that it was only the sodomizing church leadership that let us down, yes. However, the people in our Home Team (bible study group) were more than supportive. Had it not been for them, my stays in the hospitals would have been even more terrible than they were, for I would have worried terribly about Heidi and the boys. As it was, they helped her out immensely, which gave her the opportunity to not only come and visit me, but allowed her to take care of normal every day shit that needed to be taken care of, because I decided to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Loser. So, my thanks go out to them, in a big way. Maybe some day I’ll have the balls to say that to them. Maybe not.

Ah, fuck it. None of this is worth it. The only things of any worth to me are my wife and my children. But, even them I can’t please. I always have one short-coming or another. I spend too much time with this one, I don’t do enough of that, I do too much of the other thing, I’ve neglected that thing, you said you’d do that thing and you haven’t, you said you would not do that thing and you did, do this, do that, come here, go there, stand up, sit down, jump, but higher next time. Ah, crap. You know, this could have been over a couple of months ago. I mean, seriously, is this pathetic or what?? I am such a fucking loser that I can’t even be bothered to kill myself.

Hey, wanna know something?? I was having a good day …

Geese and Voices

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

5:00pm - Alright, I was outside with the dogs, having a smoke and a nice little chat with myself about the differences in flight characteristics between ducks and geese. If you notice, geese take long, sweeping strokes, whereas ducks take these rapid, shorter, strokes. Now, I understand the physics and the mechanics of these differences, but I was suddenly overwhelmed by a terrible sense of sadness for the ducks. I fear they may get tired much more quickly than the geese, and therefore not get to where they are going as quickly. I know this is silly, but there it is. That’s the kind of stuff that gets me.

We took the boys to the movies to see “The Incredibles.” It was an incredibly entertaining movie, and above par for Pixar. I laughed a lot, the boys laughed a lot, and Heidi laughed a lot. It was really a great deal of fun, and I would recommend this flick to everybody!! Take the kids, take your significant other, take your voices!! It was that much fun.

Speaking of voices … They’re back. Well, one of them is back. It’s the voice I have identified as Jennifer, a woman I had a relationship some years back. Thoughtfully, she brought back my suicidal ideations, which I had been able to keep at some distance for a few weeks. Under different circumstances I would thank her for being so kind as to bring me a gift, but this is a gift I must refuse. You see, a few weeks back I had made a deal with myself. I was not to even consider the Plan again for at least thirty days. I brought this proposal before my inner committee, which consists of five voices, and we all agreed that thirty was a doable number. I might as well have made a deal with the devil, for my backup singers obviously didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.

I had a talk with them, my backup singers, a couple of weeks ago. They were very polite and stopped hollering at me, and actually listened. At least they pretended to listen. They gave me a bunch of reasons for their existence, which I wrote down somewhere, but can’t think of now. Primarily they don’t want me to get better, for they, as I, fear what may be lurking inside of me. I found it most peculiar, though, that my voices actually feared me, or at least whatever it is I have hidden away. They also were not at all happy with the new med I am taking, which is an antipsychotic, to help me control the voices. I’ve been on it for about a week, and it has worked great. Until today.

So, Jennifer-voice has been hassling me for the past two hours, or so, about how dare I take meds that push them away, when all they’re trying to do is keep me safe. I asked why, then, did she bring back my ideations and my plan. She replied, in a voice I remember well, that it was better for me to kill myself than to let them (the doctors) keep trying to make me better. I asked her why that was such a bad thing and she said that what I was hiding from myself was better off dead. I asked if she knew what it was that I was hiding and she wouldn’t answer me. I sensed her fear … no, dread … I could feel her dread at whatever it was. She finally told me that she wasn’t really sure what it was, but that it would destroy them (the voices), and me. She got really silly after that, humming to herself and skipping along, if you can imagine a voice in your head doing those things.

I could feel the other guys in the background, too, which was annoying. I could feel them fiddling about in the back of my head. Damn, but this is difficult!! I am having a terrible time trying to describe the voices, my inner madness, with words, which are amazingly inadequate. That in itself is a sadness, for I have always loved words. But there they were and I could feel them, but I could do nothing!! Next thing I know I’m sitting in front of the computer, trying to find some porn. Crap. I know I can’t do it, ‘cause Heidi’s got a filter on all the machines in the house. Also, I know that if I try, the filter will tell Heidi that I was trying. I could try to lie, but I won’t. I could also blame this acting out on the voices, but I won’t do that, either. As strong as they are, I am stronger. At least I keep telling myself that. Maybe I’ll believe it someday.

I want to take one of my anti anxiety pills, but they make me kinda woozy. Yeah, I take mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics, and anti anxiety pills. Crap. That’s another thing that depresses me, even though I’ve made peace with that fact. I have an illness. It is, possibly, manic depression, or the more “modern” term of bi-polar. Whatever. If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and came out of an ass, well, it ain’t roses!! So, I have this illness, which will probably be with me forever. To help me control this thing I have to take meds. It’s like being diagnosed with diabetese. You can be angry about it, sure, but if you don’t take your meds, well, yer gonna die. I’m in the same boat, except I would welcome the dying part.

I would love to say that I am going insane, but it is too late for that. I am. The question is; what do I do about it?? How can I help myself?? I’m pretty sure that holding conversations with my voices is not a good thing. I hate to admit it, but I missed them while they were gone. Really. Oh, they weren’t completely gone, no. They were just very distant, and very subdued. I don’t know.