Sucking face

Well, we did some meditation in group this morning. Wow. Gave me a headache.

The staff is complaining that I'm not participating in groups. They can kiss my butt. I'm just looking forward to meeting my shrink and getting off "precautions". Group therapy is just not for me. I'm not being negative about this, I just don't get it.

Heidi won't be able to come visit me again, which is okay. I am at peace with Heidi, and I am glad. There's a lot of work to be done, sure, but I think we're okay. I have been working really hard on communicating everything I can with her. I have been stuffing everything my whole life. I have to unlearn some old habits, and teach myslef some new coping skils. Stuffing everything is not a coping skill. See?? I learned something new!!

So I told Heidi that maybe Scott or Sal could visit me. Just don't come with a bunch of, "We love yous" and "you have so much to live for." That crap I don't need. I need lotsa smokes and someone to talk trivialities with me for a little bit. It's not that I'm not interetested in the other stuff. I am very much aware of it all. I am constantly thinking about Heidi and what this must be doing to her. And the bo9ys. Crap. I wish I could just flick a switch and go back to being whoever I was. That would be nice.