Waste

I feel so totally let down. This whole past week has been nothing but a dismal failure. A total waste. And I am now angry, very angry, on top of everything else.

I'm a little disappointed that Andrew A has not called. I laid a lot on his lap, and he came through like a true friend. I just wish he would call.

I am again on the verge of tears, but am afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. Crap. Crap! Crap!!

A long time ago I went back to california for a visit. As I got off the aircraft, I was offered a job. I tookit of course. 3 monts later, Heidi flew out to California to get me back. I am afraid what will happen if I go walk about again.

I don't want to leave Heidi and the boys, but I feel like I need something else. I don't know what, but some thing. I need to sor this one out. I don't know how.

I wish Heidi or Andrew A could be here tomorrow when I meet with the shrink again. I can feel the meds trying to do something, but I certainly don't feel good about it. My mind is scattered, all over the place. I am having trouble focusing my thoughts on my writing. I don't have very restful sleep because the beds suck!!

One of my worst fears is that Heidi may be right. That I am having these suicidal ideations because I am afraid I might take my obsession to the next step, whatever that may be. I still don't believe I am capable of causing harm to another person, but define harm? Would I physically abuse another person? nope. Caould I entice some young female to have consentual sex with me? probably. Who gets harmed?

I would be harmed by guilt. Heidi and the boys would be harmed by the betrayal. The young female? Perhaps I promised her nothing but lies. That would be hurtful.