~PNK Pets

Ya know?

It gets tiring sometimes feeling that nothing will get done and done right unless I do it myself. What *did* he do all day? We have to work on that accountability thing.

Picked up the beast last night from Horsham. I was excused from my after school leadership meeting, hauled butt to get home to pick up the boys (hr) and then hit the turnpike to get over to pick him up (hr) and scoot back home (another hr) to get the boys to their rehearsal. He has an anxiety attack in the car that he says was a matter of being overwhelmed thatt he boys were sharing so much so fast with him. They hadn't seen him in over a week and were just bubbling with news. Whatever. All I saw was the clenched jaw and the tight fists and him not responding when I tried touching him. He refused to come in to McD's with us and did not want food. Fine.

Seemed somewhat better by morning although he had been awake much of the night. Said he wanted me to call him. I call. No answer. I called many more times. No answer. He calls me later in the afternoon. Says he wanted to hear my voice. He's afraid to leave the house, afraid to stay in the house and feels like he's back to where he was before all this fun started at the end of August. WTF!!! Oh, and now he's sick with a cold. Go figure.

So I had enrolled us in a business education course with the local university, the Main St manager and the county economic development commission. I had hoped he would have *some* sort of interest but it seems I was wrong. I should know better than to try and feed him any of my dreams because, as he states, he has no dreams. Starting a business is so far beyond him right now that I really, truly, should have known better.

The class was fairly invigorating. My past business ideas have failed partly because I let them and partly because I had no one to support and share them with that really took an interest. Well, these folks have taken an interest. They knew who I was walking in the door and there were a few times during the night that he mentioned my idea as a perfect fit for the area. And we all know it's all about location, location, location. From now till the end of December, I have a captive audience of folks helping me to get Pet Needs and Kneads off the ground. Check out www.pnkpets.com The site is super lame right now and needs some serious help. I have a ton of homework. The guy was intent on "instinct" being a great measure of an entrepreneur and of business. Well, my instinct tells me this is *it* finally.

~Angry fish hands

The tank is looking bad. I don't know what all I'm looking at so when I say it looks bad, it is probably really bad. I fed them tonight so my hands smell fishy
and I added fresh water to the salt mixer but, wow, it looks bad. I haven't been able to find the amemone for several days. I wonder if she packed up and left? Well, that will be a whole day at least for him to clean that mess up.

I talked with the social worker today and she said he'll meet with a psychologist tomorrow and then they'll release him. He has sounded really up the last few days. Really up. Like, are the meds finally working or is this one great big face? I know the real test is what he chooses to do with himself once he gets home.

I talked to Terri today and she said that the church can more than use him to volunteer on Thursdays and Fridays so that's two days of the week and it's doing someting useful and meaningful. She would really like to talk with him and hopes he will be open to talking with her. I told her about his interest in going on a mission trip somewhere or doing *something* meaningful and that Target just doesn't cut it for meaningful work.

The boys and I had a fairly "normal" evening for what our normal has become. They were both really good about getting homework done. K helped me get dinner ready, D helped me get dishes washed and they both carried their laundry to the basement for me. K collected up all of the trash since they have rehearsal tomorrow night and he won't be able to do it then.

I'm feeling really tired. All day, I've just wanted to put my head down and take a nap. I've got a few loads of laundry I want to get through before I go lie down. If I go down too early, then I'm awake at 2 am and can't get back to sleep.

Feelings are just sort of not there. I have too many things to do, to think about and to wish I had the time to do. I'm ok with where I am in the world, I'm ok with myself and with who I am. There's lots I'd like to change and I'm working on them, little at time. Like, I do think I've gotten a bit more organized. I get forgetful when I get really stressed and I'm learning to filter out that which is not important. I catch myself telling the boys about something that they should be ignoring that they're not and I realize that I haven't done the same for myself. Being more aware for them has made me more aware.

I've found I am much more in tune with myself the last few weeks as I have been forced to spend more time with the boys. I love spending time with them and that is something I wish I had more time to do. Then there's stuff that needs to get done and I find myself trying to figure out who or where to take them so I can get done whatever it is I need to get done. Then I feel guilty. Overall. though, I think I've managed it all really well. I think the boys have done a lot of growing as well. D has been stretched and needs lots of extra attention and he outright asks for it. I'm ready for it all to be done with but I know that it will be a long time coming till anything feels even remotely "normal" again.

I realized tonight, too, that the boys have both been able to express their anger in ways that JC does not normally allow them to which I think has helped both of them to deal with everything. Last night, D was upset that he couldn't watch a movie when he came inside just before bedtime from playing with friends all afternoon and evening. He moped around getting ready for bed SOBBING like there was no tomorrow. When I called his name for something, he stopped right away, answered me and then went right back to his crying. He did it nicely, no screaming or tantrums, just politely walked around wailing till he was all done. Tonight, I sent K to the basement to bring laundry up and he selectively did not hear me the first two times I asked so when I finally got his attention and sent him down, he was upset that I yelled at him and that I was asking him to do one more thing. So he stomped all the way down the stairs. They were both doing what I wanted them to do so who was I to critique their method of expressing their anger? I yell and scream and occasionally throw and slam things around when I get mad. I smoke and drink when I'm stressed. I'd rather they learn some better choices than I was ever taught.

~Overfunctioning

I sat down with the computer a long time ago with the intention of doing some quick therapeutic writing and now it's 11 pm already and I should be asleep. Monday's always come too early.

Instead of writing, I decided I had better get some of JC's musings from the hospital entered since I managed to swap his journal with him yesterday. I have a ways to go till I'm finished with that task. There's a ton of other stuff which has been more than neglected of late. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming and bird cages come to mind. Not to mention any of the projects like the painting of the rear steps or the block windows but hey, we're all safe and happy and clean and balanced so I have done my job for the day. So there!

I have come to realize that most of my conscious thoughts while I'm awake are of JC and what he has said or written or of what he could be doing instead of what he has been doing of late. I realized I spend very little time actively thinking of Heidi and what Heidi wants or needs or thinks or whatever.

I came really close to having to feel something yesterday and I was not proud of it. We have several new developments in our immediate area and something made me decide to pick up voter registration cards and procrastinate till I had to walk them around yesterday with little sticky notes I wrote saying, "Mail by Monday". So I toured all of these nice townhouse developements with $200k townhomes and then made a second trip out to walk around the $4-500k houses and deliver these things. I was all but in tears in the big development. One place had a tacky little slate hanging on a little yard flag pole with "Our dream home" painted on it. That one wasn't my dream home but there were several with big front porches that I sure could have gotten used to.

Thursday night at group, we talked about co-dependents and there was mention of the loss of the dream. The one woman and I were in tears. When the therapist got around to me, she said that she has been wondering about me for several weeks and wondering how I am putting forth the face that I am. She wanted to know where my anger was. I told her it was there but that I work it out as constructively as I possibly can. I said that I talk to a LOT of people, I kayak when I can, I'm smoking 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day and a beer each night are all helping to swab the anger. I said the biggest selfish tragedy that I am having to face was that I had told JC two years ago that our 10th anniversary was coming up and that I wanted an anniversary band and that he'd start saving his pennies. He offered to get it for me last year and I thought about it then too as we had surrogacy money around then. I told him that wasn't out marriage anniversary and that I was OK waiting another year. I told the therapist that here I was, married 10 years ... and for WHAT?? That was what I was thinking about as I walked around knocking on doors that were being answered by women my own age with little babies or children around all being raised in houses and with things that I would never be able to give my kids. It was very painful and it hurt as I know my salary will never reach the levels needed to support that type of oplulance. Then I scolded myself for thinking that. God has provided for us in so many ways and so many times when we were in need. Who was I to look the gift horse in the mouth? I have happy, healthy, attractive and smart children that I would not trade for the world.

Where is my anger? What anger? Now?? I am so far past the anger. I was angry years ago and it did me no good then. A good portion of me is resigned but there is still a sizable piece left open for dreams.