I don't know

I'm trying really hard to be positive about, well, everything. It is difficult. Everything has become difficult.

Unlike my first crash, I realize this time that I am really sick and will probably be on meds for the rest of my life. This is hard to take considering how much fun I'm having with my meds. I got a new prescription today, to take on top of the stuff I'm presently taking, so tomorrow will be a whole new experience. Crap.

Is anyone out there reading this?? I know a couple of people have left me comments, and I thank you for those, but I am troubled. I didn't really think anyone would bother to read this stuff. Heck, I haven't read this stuff!! On the one hand I'm glad someone is reading this. Maybe you will find something useful, or maybe it will simply help you pass the time. On the other hand, this is some seriously personal stuff I'm writing about and I'm not so sure y'all should be reading this. Either way, I'm going to keep writing.

I have written since I got out of the hospital, but not much. I have to transcribe it all. One of these days. I can't believe Heidi was able to get take out of my journal and put it on here. Wow. That is one amazing woman, my wife!!

I have been feeling very detached today. I can't describe it any other way. I'm really down right now. My thoughts are scattered, and it is hard to focus. Man, I'm really trying, but it feels like I am fighting a losing battle. I try to think about the future, but there's nothing there. I try to think about tomorrow, and I'm having a hard time with that.

There are people out there, friends, whom I should call. Just to say "hi." I can't. I don't know what I'm afraid of. What am I afraid of?? Really, what am I afraid of?? I don't know. That has become my answer to everything lately. "How are you feeling today??" I don't know. "How was your day yesterday??" I don't know. Get the idea??

Met with my shrink yesterday. I like him. We determined that I suffer from amnesia. Everything before I was 12 is gone. From 12 to 16 is also pretty much gone. 16 to 17 is pretty blurry. 17 to now is pretty much there, with a few exceptions. The doctor was interested in this. He was even more interested in my ambivalence toward this memory loss. I don't know how I should feel about it. On the one hand, I just don't care. It bugs me every now-and-then, but on the whole I'm totally okay with it. On the other hand, I am very afraid of what I may be trying to hide from myself. I feel the same way about the doctor going to dig it out. I don't really care, but I'm really scared of what mey be there. Time will tell.

The out-patient program that I'm in blows. Maybe they all do. We're there for five and a half hours, every day, doing nothing but "group therapy." Yay. My favorite. The first hour is spent going over how you're feeling, and stuff. The other four hours are similarly spent. Sometimes, if we're really good, we get to watch a tai chi video and practice the moves. Ooh. Fun. We've tried a couple of meditation cds, too. I got a bad headache the first time we did that, and I slept the second.

I'm not being negative about this. I'm just stating my feelings. I suppose the place does help some folks. It's not doing much for me. Example: This morning I was feeling great. By lunch time, though, the roller coaster was on its way down. I got put on the spot in one of the afternoon groups. I participated. I talked about the memory loss thing. The counselor kept pushing at me, though, trying to figure what was in my past that I was trying to hide. She even brought my suicidal ideations. Which made me again consider the possibility of terminating myself.

This really bites. I know I have to be patient, but I am frustrated. I have no idea what would make it better, but this ain't it. Ah, well ...