A Good Day
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
7:35pm – I just don’t know. I realize I have said this before, but it is truth. I don’t know. I have no faith, either, which makes life really worth living. I have below par self-anything, including image, worth, value, etc.. I don’t believe in anything at all, really. I don’t believe I’m going to get better. I don’t believe in my voices, which are becoming the sanest part of my life.
Well, I had a conversation with another of my voices this morning. He approached me, very politely. I had to postpone the conversation, though, because the small human was asking for my help. The voice let me!! It let me go on about my business, without complaint!! Wow!! How cool is that?!? I just finished talking with them a little bit ago. Nothing substantial, except for the fact that not only do they fear me, they also like me!! That one is a bit hard to believe, but I could feel their sincerity. This is really starting to freak me out. Not only do I have voices in my head, but they like me!! Ha!! Yup. That’s why they want me to kill myself. Oh, sure, they feel kinda bad about that part, but it’s for my own good. Right.
Last night, and all of today, I have been wearing the mask I had been wearing for the past few years. I hadn’t worn it in a while, and it feels a bit uncomfortable. I wore it anyway. Why, though?? Why would I do such a thing?? I guess because I am starting to side with the voices. Aside from the fact that they want me dead, they’re not so bad. Crap. Now I’m starting to justify the existence of my voices. Like, if I tell the doctor, he’s either gonna up my Seroquel, or give me yet another pill. Crap.
I know I should stop trying to talk to them, the voices, but it’s like I’m obsessing over them. That what they say is of some importance. I am getting comfortable with them. I am enjoying speaking with them. I realize that they are probably manifestations of my self, but they do feel other enough to make them appealing. This is nuts.
Heidi and I talked about church a little today. Actually, she talked and I listened. Well, I did tell her that I was not interested in having anything to do with that, or any, church. Thank you. It’s that loss of faith thing, and my anger with god. The church leadership let Heidi and I down big time during my hospitalizations. She actually spoke with one of the pastors today, some dumb-ass punk who graduated from church school only a couple of years ago. His response to our being let down by the church was “Oops, sorry, I let you down.” No shit, dumb-fuck!! Wow!! We didn’t see that one coming!! Gosh, he let us down!! I am fucking shocked!! Well, I suppose we should take some comfort in the fact that he did respond within three months of Heidi asking for help. I’m just glad it wasn’t anything fucking serious, like, say, our house burning down, or, maybe Heidi getting in a car accident. I guess being a dumb-ass mental fucking patient who wants to blow his mother-fucking brains out just doesn’t quite cut the mustard with our little church. Hey, maybe they all had visitations from god telling them to ignore that pathetic loser in the fucking mental hospital. Maybe it’s just god’s fucking way of having some fucking fun at my mother-fucking expense!! Ha!!
Just to be fair, though. It wasn’t all of the church, just the fucking church leadership!! Oh, yeah, they lead, alright. Well, lead my fucking hairy brown ass to mother-fucking greener pastures, you pathetic, double standard bearing cock sucking sons of bitches!! I know for a fact I will see each and every last one of you bastards burning in hell, and I will make sure to save a space for you right fucking next to me!! Because seeing you suffer will make my stay in hell a little more bearable. But, I digress … I was saying that it was only the sodomizing church leadership that let us down, yes. However, the people in our Home Team (bible study group) were more than supportive. Had it not been for them, my stays in the hospitals would have been even more terrible than they were, for I would have worried terribly about Heidi and the boys. As it was, they helped her out immensely, which gave her the opportunity to not only come and visit me, but allowed her to take care of normal every day shit that needed to be taken care of, because I decided to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Loser. So, my thanks go out to them, in a big way. Maybe some day I’ll have the balls to say that to them. Maybe not.
Ah, fuck it. None of this is worth it. The only things of any worth to me are my wife and my children. But, even them I can’t please. I always have one short-coming or another. I spend too much time with this one, I don’t do enough of that, I do too much of the other thing, I’ve neglected that thing, you said you’d do that thing and you haven’t, you said you would not do that thing and you did, do this, do that, come here, go there, stand up, sit down, jump, but higher next time. Ah, crap. You know, this could have been over a couple of months ago. I mean, seriously, is this pathetic or what?? I am such a fucking loser that I can’t even be bothered to kill myself.
Hey, wanna know something?? I was having a good day …
7:35pm – I just don’t know. I realize I have said this before, but it is truth. I don’t know. I have no faith, either, which makes life really worth living. I have below par self-anything, including image, worth, value, etc.. I don’t believe in anything at all, really. I don’t believe I’m going to get better. I don’t believe in my voices, which are becoming the sanest part of my life.
Well, I had a conversation with another of my voices this morning. He approached me, very politely. I had to postpone the conversation, though, because the small human was asking for my help. The voice let me!! It let me go on about my business, without complaint!! Wow!! How cool is that?!? I just finished talking with them a little bit ago. Nothing substantial, except for the fact that not only do they fear me, they also like me!! That one is a bit hard to believe, but I could feel their sincerity. This is really starting to freak me out. Not only do I have voices in my head, but they like me!! Ha!! Yup. That’s why they want me to kill myself. Oh, sure, they feel kinda bad about that part, but it’s for my own good. Right.
Last night, and all of today, I have been wearing the mask I had been wearing for the past few years. I hadn’t worn it in a while, and it feels a bit uncomfortable. I wore it anyway. Why, though?? Why would I do such a thing?? I guess because I am starting to side with the voices. Aside from the fact that they want me dead, they’re not so bad. Crap. Now I’m starting to justify the existence of my voices. Like, if I tell the doctor, he’s either gonna up my Seroquel, or give me yet another pill. Crap.
I know I should stop trying to talk to them, the voices, but it’s like I’m obsessing over them. That what they say is of some importance. I am getting comfortable with them. I am enjoying speaking with them. I realize that they are probably manifestations of my self, but they do feel other enough to make them appealing. This is nuts.
Heidi and I talked about church a little today. Actually, she talked and I listened. Well, I did tell her that I was not interested in having anything to do with that, or any, church. Thank you. It’s that loss of faith thing, and my anger with god. The church leadership let Heidi and I down big time during my hospitalizations. She actually spoke with one of the pastors today, some dumb-ass punk who graduated from church school only a couple of years ago. His response to our being let down by the church was “Oops, sorry, I let you down.” No shit, dumb-fuck!! Wow!! We didn’t see that one coming!! Gosh, he let us down!! I am fucking shocked!! Well, I suppose we should take some comfort in the fact that he did respond within three months of Heidi asking for help. I’m just glad it wasn’t anything fucking serious, like, say, our house burning down, or, maybe Heidi getting in a car accident. I guess being a dumb-ass mental fucking patient who wants to blow his mother-fucking brains out just doesn’t quite cut the mustard with our little church. Hey, maybe they all had visitations from god telling them to ignore that pathetic loser in the fucking mental hospital. Maybe it’s just god’s fucking way of having some fucking fun at my mother-fucking expense!! Ha!!
Just to be fair, though. It wasn’t all of the church, just the fucking church leadership!! Oh, yeah, they lead, alright. Well, lead my fucking hairy brown ass to mother-fucking greener pastures, you pathetic, double standard bearing cock sucking sons of bitches!! I know for a fact I will see each and every last one of you bastards burning in hell, and I will make sure to save a space for you right fucking next to me!! Because seeing you suffer will make my stay in hell a little more bearable. But, I digress … I was saying that it was only the sodomizing church leadership that let us down, yes. However, the people in our Home Team (bible study group) were more than supportive. Had it not been for them, my stays in the hospitals would have been even more terrible than they were, for I would have worried terribly about Heidi and the boys. As it was, they helped her out immensely, which gave her the opportunity to not only come and visit me, but allowed her to take care of normal every day shit that needed to be taken care of, because I decided to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Loser. So, my thanks go out to them, in a big way. Maybe some day I’ll have the balls to say that to them. Maybe not.
Ah, fuck it. None of this is worth it. The only things of any worth to me are my wife and my children. But, even them I can’t please. I always have one short-coming or another. I spend too much time with this one, I don’t do enough of that, I do too much of the other thing, I’ve neglected that thing, you said you’d do that thing and you haven’t, you said you would not do that thing and you did, do this, do that, come here, go there, stand up, sit down, jump, but higher next time. Ah, crap. You know, this could have been over a couple of months ago. I mean, seriously, is this pathetic or what?? I am such a fucking loser that I can’t even be bothered to kill myself.
Hey, wanna know something?? I was having a good day …
posted by Cherrycat at 8:16 PM
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