Banging Your Heart
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
12:35am - Well, here I am. Again. Crap. I'm still feeling kinda wired, but it's mellowing out some. I really did have a great day. I am really sorry that Heidi did not. Well, it's not that she had a bad day, it's just that it wasn't a good one.
In her own words, she has a real hard time figuring me out. Sometimes I'm in a fairly good mood, other times I shut down, then other times I completely withdraw, and, finally, there are days like yesterday, when I'm off the wall. The really sad thing about this is that she never knows which me is going to show up in the morning. While it is difficult for me, it must doubly so for her. She's the one that has to deal with me, in whatever form I happen to appear. That cannot be an easy thing, and I am sorry.
She has such wonderful dreams, my wife, and I guess my only dream is that I could take pleasure in her dreams. For whatever reason, call it cowardice, call it inability, shit, call it whatever you want. The bottom line is that I cannot dream. I can't look past the now, and it bugs me. I am so very afraid of everything. The list is quite long, actually. I'm afraid of going outside; I'm afraid of hanging out with people; I'm afraid of being alone; I'm afraid of caring; I'm afraid of hurting others; I'm afraid of being hurt; I'm afraid of waking up in the morning with my shakes and not having Heidi there to hold me tight; I'm afraid of people caring for me; I'm afraid of God, and what he may have in store for me; I'm afraid of not believing in God. I'm just damned afraid.
It would be ... No ... It is terribly easy to blame this on the illness, but I'm afraid of doing that, too!! Dammit, I just want to go on with my life, but I can't seem to be able to do that. I know there are so many things I should be doing, but I can't do them. The simplest of tasks seems insurmountable. I am afraid of succeeding. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of trying, fer cryin' out loud!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?? That I fail?? Well, shit, bub, Rome wasn't built in a fucking day!! But, then again, I'm not an Empire, I'm just some Joe Dude trying to stay alive, one day at a time. That is just so fucking lame, though!! Crap.
Every day I tell myself that today is the day I'm going to rejoin the human race. Every day fail. So, what?? Didn't I try hard enough?? Did I make a genuine effort?? Did I really try my absolute best?? Hell, did I even try?? I just don't know.
My walking papers have been offered to me a number of times, yet I haven't taken them. By God, what would happen if I did?? I'm not saying this to lay a trip on anyone, but I genuinely believe I would die. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I would be a walking corpse. Why?? Because I would be alive without my heart, without my soul, without my life. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I feel. God help me, but I feel so helpless so much of the time.
Anger is always a way out, too, but I'm learning to control that. I don't like being angry. I don't want to be angry!! In a way, I really miss my voices. They gave me a reason to feel sick. I would catch myself having these intense conversations with them, and I would be troubled by it. They were seducing, actually. So rational, when they wanted to be. So very angry, otherwise. And yet, I miss them. How unhealthy is that?? Yeah, I've been thinking about them the last few days. Dunno why, but there you have it.
So, I started this thing about how I was viewing things, and I've managed, as always, to turn into a whine fest. I try so hard to remain on an even keel, but it is extremely difficult, at best. Dammit, I don't know who I'm going to be when I wake up in the fucking morning!! Every night, every single fucking night, I lie there, wondering if I will dream that night, and who I will be when I wake up in the morning.
Imagine this: You go to bed, nice and relaxed from your happy meds, and you tell yourself that tomorrow is the day you make your comeback. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It is going to be a positive day. You are going to do at least one positive thing that you can be proud of, that your kids might be proud of, or that your wife will be proud of. Every single night you say this to yourself. Every single night you promise yourself that you will do this. Every single night you promise yourself that you will make the effort. Every single night you promise yourself that you will succeed. Yet, every single night, just before you fade away into oblivion, you know that you will fail. It has absolutely nothing to do with will power, or any of that happy shit. It is just simply a fact of life.
I try though. God knows that I try. Yet every single time, every moment of my day, I fail. And every single night I start the cycle all over again. Maybe I'm just too stupid to realize that I can't win this one. Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand. Maybe I'm just too fucking dense to get it.
"all alone
or in twos
the ones who really love you
walk up and down
outside the wall
some hand-in-hand
and some gathered together in bands
the bleeding hearts and the artists
make their stand
and when they've given you their all
some stagger and fall
after all
it's not easy
banging your heart
against some mad bugger's wall"
That's how I feel, really, except I've shut myself outside my own wall!! And I want to "tear down the wall!!" I really do. I see it in the mirror sometimes, and it frightens me. I see myself. I actually see "JC" hiding just behind my eyes. But I can't hear what he's saying, and he can't hear me. We're both crying out for each other, but are separated by walls that are just too tall, too thick to get through. But there are chinks in the armor, oh, yes!! I do sometimes have moments of clarity, but they are so few and far apart that it's almost hopeless. I am trapped inside and outside myself. For too many years I have hidden myself from myself, and now I can't find me. Oh, crap. I'm going to bed.
12:35am - Well, here I am. Again. Crap. I'm still feeling kinda wired, but it's mellowing out some. I really did have a great day. I am really sorry that Heidi did not. Well, it's not that she had a bad day, it's just that it wasn't a good one.
In her own words, she has a real hard time figuring me out. Sometimes I'm in a fairly good mood, other times I shut down, then other times I completely withdraw, and, finally, there are days like yesterday, when I'm off the wall. The really sad thing about this is that she never knows which me is going to show up in the morning. While it is difficult for me, it must doubly so for her. She's the one that has to deal with me, in whatever form I happen to appear. That cannot be an easy thing, and I am sorry.
She has such wonderful dreams, my wife, and I guess my only dream is that I could take pleasure in her dreams. For whatever reason, call it cowardice, call it inability, shit, call it whatever you want. The bottom line is that I cannot dream. I can't look past the now, and it bugs me. I am so very afraid of everything. The list is quite long, actually. I'm afraid of going outside; I'm afraid of hanging out with people; I'm afraid of being alone; I'm afraid of caring; I'm afraid of hurting others; I'm afraid of being hurt; I'm afraid of waking up in the morning with my shakes and not having Heidi there to hold me tight; I'm afraid of people caring for me; I'm afraid of God, and what he may have in store for me; I'm afraid of not believing in God. I'm just damned afraid.
It would be ... No ... It is terribly easy to blame this on the illness, but I'm afraid of doing that, too!! Dammit, I just want to go on with my life, but I can't seem to be able to do that. I know there are so many things I should be doing, but I can't do them. The simplest of tasks seems insurmountable. I am afraid of succeeding. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of trying, fer cryin' out loud!! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?? That I fail?? Well, shit, bub, Rome wasn't built in a fucking day!! But, then again, I'm not an Empire, I'm just some Joe Dude trying to stay alive, one day at a time. That is just so fucking lame, though!! Crap.
Every day I tell myself that today is the day I'm going to rejoin the human race. Every day fail. So, what?? Didn't I try hard enough?? Did I make a genuine effort?? Did I really try my absolute best?? Hell, did I even try?? I just don't know.
My walking papers have been offered to me a number of times, yet I haven't taken them. By God, what would happen if I did?? I'm not saying this to lay a trip on anyone, but I genuinely believe I would die. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I would be a walking corpse. Why?? Because I would be alive without my heart, without my soul, without my life. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I feel. God help me, but I feel so helpless so much of the time.
Anger is always a way out, too, but I'm learning to control that. I don't like being angry. I don't want to be angry!! In a way, I really miss my voices. They gave me a reason to feel sick. I would catch myself having these intense conversations with them, and I would be troubled by it. They were seducing, actually. So rational, when they wanted to be. So very angry, otherwise. And yet, I miss them. How unhealthy is that?? Yeah, I've been thinking about them the last few days. Dunno why, but there you have it.
So, I started this thing about how I was viewing things, and I've managed, as always, to turn into a whine fest. I try so hard to remain on an even keel, but it is extremely difficult, at best. Dammit, I don't know who I'm going to be when I wake up in the fucking morning!! Every night, every single fucking night, I lie there, wondering if I will dream that night, and who I will be when I wake up in the morning.
Imagine this: You go to bed, nice and relaxed from your happy meds, and you tell yourself that tomorrow is the day you make your comeback. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It is going to be a positive day. You are going to do at least one positive thing that you can be proud of, that your kids might be proud of, or that your wife will be proud of. Every single night you say this to yourself. Every single night you promise yourself that you will do this. Every single night you promise yourself that you will make the effort. Every single night you promise yourself that you will succeed. Yet, every single night, just before you fade away into oblivion, you know that you will fail. It has absolutely nothing to do with will power, or any of that happy shit. It is just simply a fact of life.
I try though. God knows that I try. Yet every single time, every moment of my day, I fail. And every single night I start the cycle all over again. Maybe I'm just too stupid to realize that I can't win this one. Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand. Maybe I'm just too fucking dense to get it.
"all alone
or in twos
the ones who really love you
walk up and down
outside the wall
some hand-in-hand
and some gathered together in bands
the bleeding hearts and the artists
make their stand
and when they've given you their all
some stagger and fall
after all
it's not easy
banging your heart
against some mad bugger's wall"
That's how I feel, really, except I've shut myself outside my own wall!! And I want to "tear down the wall!!" I really do. I see it in the mirror sometimes, and it frightens me. I see myself. I actually see "JC" hiding just behind my eyes. But I can't hear what he's saying, and he can't hear me. We're both crying out for each other, but are separated by walls that are just too tall, too thick to get through. But there are chinks in the armor, oh, yes!! I do sometimes have moments of clarity, but they are so few and far apart that it's almost hopeless. I am trapped inside and outside myself. For too many years I have hidden myself from myself, and now I can't find me. Oh, crap. I'm going to bed.
posted by Cherrycat at 1:10 AM
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