Geese and Voices
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
5:00pm - Alright, I was outside with the dogs, having a smoke and a nice little chat with myself about the differences in flight characteristics between ducks and geese. If you notice, geese take long, sweeping strokes, whereas ducks take these rapid, shorter, strokes. Now, I understand the physics and the mechanics of these differences, but I was suddenly overwhelmed by a terrible sense of sadness for the ducks. I fear they may get tired much more quickly than the geese, and therefore not get to where they are going as quickly. I know this is silly, but there it is. That’s the kind of stuff that gets me.
We took the boys to the movies to see “The Incredibles.” It was an incredibly entertaining movie, and above par for Pixar. I laughed a lot, the boys laughed a lot, and Heidi laughed a lot. It was really a great deal of fun, and I would recommend this flick to everybody!! Take the kids, take your significant other, take your voices!! It was that much fun.
Speaking of voices … They’re back. Well, one of them is back. It’s the voice I have identified as Jennifer, a woman I had a relationship some years back. Thoughtfully, she brought back my suicidal ideations, which I had been able to keep at some distance for a few weeks. Under different circumstances I would thank her for being so kind as to bring me a gift, but this is a gift I must refuse. You see, a few weeks back I had made a deal with myself. I was not to even consider the Plan again for at least thirty days. I brought this proposal before my inner committee, which consists of five voices, and we all agreed that thirty was a doable number. I might as well have made a deal with the devil, for my backup singers obviously didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
I had a talk with them, my backup singers, a couple of weeks ago. They were very polite and stopped hollering at me, and actually listened. At least they pretended to listen. They gave me a bunch of reasons for their existence, which I wrote down somewhere, but can’t think of now. Primarily they don’t want me to get better, for they, as I, fear what may be lurking inside of me. I found it most peculiar, though, that my voices actually feared me, or at least whatever it is I have hidden away. They also were not at all happy with the new med I am taking, which is an antipsychotic, to help me control the voices. I’ve been on it for about a week, and it has worked great. Until today.
So, Jennifer-voice has been hassling me for the past two hours, or so, about how dare I take meds that push them away, when all they’re trying to do is keep me safe. I asked why, then, did she bring back my ideations and my plan. She replied, in a voice I remember well, that it was better for me to kill myself than to let them (the doctors) keep trying to make me better. I asked her why that was such a bad thing and she said that what I was hiding from myself was better off dead. I asked if she knew what it was that I was hiding and she wouldn’t answer me. I sensed her fear … no, dread … I could feel her dread at whatever it was. She finally told me that she wasn’t really sure what it was, but that it would destroy them (the voices), and me. She got really silly after that, humming to herself and skipping along, if you can imagine a voice in your head doing those things.
I could feel the other guys in the background, too, which was annoying. I could feel them fiddling about in the back of my head. Damn, but this is difficult!! I am having a terrible time trying to describe the voices, my inner madness, with words, which are amazingly inadequate. That in itself is a sadness, for I have always loved words. But there they were and I could feel them, but I could do nothing!! Next thing I know I’m sitting in front of the computer, trying to find some porn. Crap. I know I can’t do it, ‘cause Heidi’s got a filter on all the machines in the house. Also, I know that if I try, the filter will tell Heidi that I was trying. I could try to lie, but I won’t. I could also blame this acting out on the voices, but I won’t do that, either. As strong as they are, I am stronger. At least I keep telling myself that. Maybe I’ll believe it someday.
I want to take one of my anti anxiety pills, but they make me kinda woozy. Yeah, I take mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics, and anti anxiety pills. Crap. That’s another thing that depresses me, even though I’ve made peace with that fact. I have an illness. It is, possibly, manic depression, or the more “modern” term of bi-polar. Whatever. If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and came out of an ass, well, it ain’t roses!! So, I have this illness, which will probably be with me forever. To help me control this thing I have to take meds. It’s like being diagnosed with diabetese. You can be angry about it, sure, but if you don’t take your meds, well, yer gonna die. I’m in the same boat, except I would welcome the dying part.
I would love to say that I am going insane, but it is too late for that. I am. The question is; what do I do about it?? How can I help myself?? I’m pretty sure that holding conversations with my voices is not a good thing. I hate to admit it, but I missed them while they were gone. Really. Oh, they weren’t completely gone, no. They were just very distant, and very subdued. I don’t know.
5:00pm - Alright, I was outside with the dogs, having a smoke and a nice little chat with myself about the differences in flight characteristics between ducks and geese. If you notice, geese take long, sweeping strokes, whereas ducks take these rapid, shorter, strokes. Now, I understand the physics and the mechanics of these differences, but I was suddenly overwhelmed by a terrible sense of sadness for the ducks. I fear they may get tired much more quickly than the geese, and therefore not get to where they are going as quickly. I know this is silly, but there it is. That’s the kind of stuff that gets me.
We took the boys to the movies to see “The Incredibles.” It was an incredibly entertaining movie, and above par for Pixar. I laughed a lot, the boys laughed a lot, and Heidi laughed a lot. It was really a great deal of fun, and I would recommend this flick to everybody!! Take the kids, take your significant other, take your voices!! It was that much fun.
Speaking of voices … They’re back. Well, one of them is back. It’s the voice I have identified as Jennifer, a woman I had a relationship some years back. Thoughtfully, she brought back my suicidal ideations, which I had been able to keep at some distance for a few weeks. Under different circumstances I would thank her for being so kind as to bring me a gift, but this is a gift I must refuse. You see, a few weeks back I had made a deal with myself. I was not to even consider the Plan again for at least thirty days. I brought this proposal before my inner committee, which consists of five voices, and we all agreed that thirty was a doable number. I might as well have made a deal with the devil, for my backup singers obviously didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
I had a talk with them, my backup singers, a couple of weeks ago. They were very polite and stopped hollering at me, and actually listened. At least they pretended to listen. They gave me a bunch of reasons for their existence, which I wrote down somewhere, but can’t think of now. Primarily they don’t want me to get better, for they, as I, fear what may be lurking inside of me. I found it most peculiar, though, that my voices actually feared me, or at least whatever it is I have hidden away. They also were not at all happy with the new med I am taking, which is an antipsychotic, to help me control the voices. I’ve been on it for about a week, and it has worked great. Until today.
So, Jennifer-voice has been hassling me for the past two hours, or so, about how dare I take meds that push them away, when all they’re trying to do is keep me safe. I asked why, then, did she bring back my ideations and my plan. She replied, in a voice I remember well, that it was better for me to kill myself than to let them (the doctors) keep trying to make me better. I asked her why that was such a bad thing and she said that what I was hiding from myself was better off dead. I asked if she knew what it was that I was hiding and she wouldn’t answer me. I sensed her fear … no, dread … I could feel her dread at whatever it was. She finally told me that she wasn’t really sure what it was, but that it would destroy them (the voices), and me. She got really silly after that, humming to herself and skipping along, if you can imagine a voice in your head doing those things.
I could feel the other guys in the background, too, which was annoying. I could feel them fiddling about in the back of my head. Damn, but this is difficult!! I am having a terrible time trying to describe the voices, my inner madness, with words, which are amazingly inadequate. That in itself is a sadness, for I have always loved words. But there they were and I could feel them, but I could do nothing!! Next thing I know I’m sitting in front of the computer, trying to find some porn. Crap. I know I can’t do it, ‘cause Heidi’s got a filter on all the machines in the house. Also, I know that if I try, the filter will tell Heidi that I was trying. I could try to lie, but I won’t. I could also blame this acting out on the voices, but I won’t do that, either. As strong as they are, I am stronger. At least I keep telling myself that. Maybe I’ll believe it someday.
I want to take one of my anti anxiety pills, but they make me kinda woozy. Yeah, I take mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics, and anti anxiety pills. Crap. That’s another thing that depresses me, even though I’ve made peace with that fact. I have an illness. It is, possibly, manic depression, or the more “modern” term of bi-polar. Whatever. If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and came out of an ass, well, it ain’t roses!! So, I have this illness, which will probably be with me forever. To help me control this thing I have to take meds. It’s like being diagnosed with diabetese. You can be angry about it, sure, but if you don’t take your meds, well, yer gonna die. I’m in the same boat, except I would welcome the dying part.
I would love to say that I am going insane, but it is too late for that. I am. The question is; what do I do about it?? How can I help myself?? I’m pretty sure that holding conversations with my voices is not a good thing. I hate to admit it, but I missed them while they were gone. Really. Oh, they weren’t completely gone, no. They were just very distant, and very subdued. I don’t know.
posted by Cherrycat at 6:13 PM
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