Remain Rational
Thursday, November 11th, 2004
5:00pm - Okay, so, like, now I am again a totally worthless human being because I slept all day, and there's stuff that needs to get done. Now, I'm not saying that the stuff would have gotten done had I not been sleeping, but I'm not doing all this sleeping by choice and she knows it, and now she's throwing it in my face. Talk about mood swings!!
What the hell am I supposed to say?? If I get angry then I'm being a selfish prick. If I complain about her being angry, well, I'm being a selfish prick. If I don't say anything about it, again, I'm being a selfish prick for ignoring her. If I get so upset that my ideations start trying to take over, well, I'm being a selfish prick. No matter what I do here, I can't win. But, it's not about winning. I don't want to win this fight. I could care less who wins this fight. All I'm trying to do is get better. If she wants to argue with me, fine, but don't get pissed off because I'm not getting pissed off.
It's like, one moment she's all right-on and supportive and understanding. Next moment, though, look out!! Every small thing you've ever done, ever contemplated, anything at all that may have happened because of you, or even in your vicinity will get brought out in the harsh light of day, and you will be brought to task.
Ya know, one good thing I've learned since this whole debacle started is how to control my anger. I dunno know. Control might be too strong a word. I guess I've learned how to manage it much better than before. We used to get into some really sweet shouting matches. We've had a couple since this started, I guess. I don't know for sure. Anyway, if she started in on me like she did this afternoon, I would have blown up in her face, given her as good as she gave me. No longer, though. Now that I think about it, that may cause her even more anger, the fact that I'm not fighting back. Well, no, that's not true. It's not like I'm giving up. I'm just choosing my fights better, or am trying to avoid them completely. I'm trying to remain rational, logical, in control. I know I'm much better at it than I'd been recently. It might have something to do witht the meds. Do you know what happens to me if I do let myself get angry?? It instantly becomes rage. A huge all-consuming rage. It is terrible seeing it from the inside. I guess the best way to describe it is that the rage pushes me aside, or way back and it tries to take control. Ah, I don't want to go there.
5:00pm - Okay, so, like, now I am again a totally worthless human being because I slept all day, and there's stuff that needs to get done. Now, I'm not saying that the stuff would have gotten done had I not been sleeping, but I'm not doing all this sleeping by choice and she knows it, and now she's throwing it in my face. Talk about mood swings!!
What the hell am I supposed to say?? If I get angry then I'm being a selfish prick. If I complain about her being angry, well, I'm being a selfish prick. If I don't say anything about it, again, I'm being a selfish prick for ignoring her. If I get so upset that my ideations start trying to take over, well, I'm being a selfish prick. No matter what I do here, I can't win. But, it's not about winning. I don't want to win this fight. I could care less who wins this fight. All I'm trying to do is get better. If she wants to argue with me, fine, but don't get pissed off because I'm not getting pissed off.
It's like, one moment she's all right-on and supportive and understanding. Next moment, though, look out!! Every small thing you've ever done, ever contemplated, anything at all that may have happened because of you, or even in your vicinity will get brought out in the harsh light of day, and you will be brought to task.
Ya know, one good thing I've learned since this whole debacle started is how to control my anger. I dunno know. Control might be too strong a word. I guess I've learned how to manage it much better than before. We used to get into some really sweet shouting matches. We've had a couple since this started, I guess. I don't know for sure. Anyway, if she started in on me like she did this afternoon, I would have blown up in her face, given her as good as she gave me. No longer, though. Now that I think about it, that may cause her even more anger, the fact that I'm not fighting back. Well, no, that's not true. It's not like I'm giving up. I'm just choosing my fights better, or am trying to avoid them completely. I'm trying to remain rational, logical, in control. I know I'm much better at it than I'd been recently. It might have something to do witht the meds. Do you know what happens to me if I do let myself get angry?? It instantly becomes rage. A huge all-consuming rage. It is terrible seeing it from the inside. I guess the best way to describe it is that the rage pushes me aside, or way back and it tries to take control. Ah, I don't want to go there.
posted by Cherrycat at 5:28 PM
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