It's mini-vans for me!!
Saturday, November 20th, 2004
8:50am - Crap.
Not the best way to start this thing, huh?? Sadly, that's pretty much the way I feel. Like crap. I am not angry, though, which is not nearly as surprising as one might think. Maybe not. What do I know.
Has anyone seen the new Mustangs?? Wow!! Gorgeous!! This is the first time I've actually enjoyed a ford product in more than 25 years. This new mustang is just float out nice. It's like they combined the look of the past bunch of years, which was kinda lame, with the Mustang of the early 70's. Really nice car.
So, why am I even remotely interested in cars?? I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to be able to own a "car." It's mini-vans for me!! That, of course, assumes that I'll driving again. Someday. Maybe. If I'm really, really lucky. I mean, hey, miracles have been known to happen. Granted, not to me, but, gee, it gives me something to look forward to.
Hey, let's make a list of the few things JC enjoys doing. This will be a fun exercise!! Matter of fact, it's a fun filled game for the whole family!! Woohoo!!
Umm, first I lost my ability to care. That was a pretty good one.
Next, I think I lost my ability to feel. Hmm. Maybe caring and feeling are the same thing, only different?? Interesting.
I used to enjoy watching TV. West Wing, CSI, and the NFL. That was pretty much it. I did really enjoy pushing that little button on the remote and going through the 100+ channels, looking for something interesting to watch. Too bad for me. DirecTV was cut off. Now we get absolutely no signal. Too bad for me.
I used to enjoy hanging out on my lap top. I used to spend hours reading about anything that seemed even mildy interesting. Of course, I did have that little issue with porn. On the one hand, I understand why my laptop got taken away, and on that level I'm okay with it. It's that it was something I used to enjoy doing, and now I can't.
I used to enjoy reading books. Sci-fi, fantasy, whatever. I no longer have any interest. At all. It's like, why bother?? What possible use is there in reading?? Just a bunch of crap.
I totally enjoy taking the kids to school, and picking them up in the afternoon. I haven't been doing the afternoon pickup because of Kiefer's teasing. I don't want him to think I can rescue him every time. This one is really sucky for me, too, 'cause I really care about this kid, and it hurts me to know other kids are fucking with him. So, I haven't been doing the afternoon thing. Now, thanks to whatever the fuck is wrong with my head, I can't even take them to school in the morning. Woohoo!!
Alright, so the above list might seem like whinning, or maybe anger. It's neither, really. I'm just sharing. Heh. Okay. Maybe I am doing a little whinning. But there is no anger. I am totally resigned to being fucked from now on. I can count on absolutely nothing. Heh. What the heck is next?? Hmm. I'm actually kind of afraid of asking that question.
You know, I really am just tired of trying. I've been trying really fucking hard since this shit started back in late August. But, for what?? Why am I trying to get better?? what's in it for me?? Yup. That's selfish as shit. I don't care. I mean, if I can't do this for myself, why bother?? Well, I have to think about my family. Right. They'd be so much better without me around to slow them down. Dante, though. Dante would probably be destroyed by my death. That sucks, knowing that. I'm not flattering myself here, folks. That kid and I are really that close. But, crap, I'd really like to be able to care.
Is it that important, really, to lose ... Alright, that was a stupid line of thought. Of course it's important that I lost my ability to drive!! It sucks big time. But, I'm not angry about it. I feel spent. I just want to lay down, say fuck it, and just not wake up again. I wish it were that easy.
8:50am - Crap.
Not the best way to start this thing, huh?? Sadly, that's pretty much the way I feel. Like crap. I am not angry, though, which is not nearly as surprising as one might think. Maybe not. What do I know.
Has anyone seen the new Mustangs?? Wow!! Gorgeous!! This is the first time I've actually enjoyed a ford product in more than 25 years. This new mustang is just float out nice. It's like they combined the look of the past bunch of years, which was kinda lame, with the Mustang of the early 70's. Really nice car.
So, why am I even remotely interested in cars?? I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to be able to own a "car." It's mini-vans for me!! That, of course, assumes that I'll driving again. Someday. Maybe. If I'm really, really lucky. I mean, hey, miracles have been known to happen. Granted, not to me, but, gee, it gives me something to look forward to.
Hey, let's make a list of the few things JC enjoys doing. This will be a fun exercise!! Matter of fact, it's a fun filled game for the whole family!! Woohoo!!
Umm, first I lost my ability to care. That was a pretty good one.
Next, I think I lost my ability to feel. Hmm. Maybe caring and feeling are the same thing, only different?? Interesting.
I used to enjoy watching TV. West Wing, CSI, and the NFL. That was pretty much it. I did really enjoy pushing that little button on the remote and going through the 100+ channels, looking for something interesting to watch. Too bad for me. DirecTV was cut off. Now we get absolutely no signal. Too bad for me.
I used to enjoy hanging out on my lap top. I used to spend hours reading about anything that seemed even mildy interesting. Of course, I did have that little issue with porn. On the one hand, I understand why my laptop got taken away, and on that level I'm okay with it. It's that it was something I used to enjoy doing, and now I can't.
I used to enjoy reading books. Sci-fi, fantasy, whatever. I no longer have any interest. At all. It's like, why bother?? What possible use is there in reading?? Just a bunch of crap.
I totally enjoy taking the kids to school, and picking them up in the afternoon. I haven't been doing the afternoon pickup because of Kiefer's teasing. I don't want him to think I can rescue him every time. This one is really sucky for me, too, 'cause I really care about this kid, and it hurts me to know other kids are fucking with him. So, I haven't been doing the afternoon thing. Now, thanks to whatever the fuck is wrong with my head, I can't even take them to school in the morning. Woohoo!!
Alright, so the above list might seem like whinning, or maybe anger. It's neither, really. I'm just sharing. Heh. Okay. Maybe I am doing a little whinning. But there is no anger. I am totally resigned to being fucked from now on. I can count on absolutely nothing. Heh. What the heck is next?? Hmm. I'm actually kind of afraid of asking that question.
You know, I really am just tired of trying. I've been trying really fucking hard since this shit started back in late August. But, for what?? Why am I trying to get better?? what's in it for me?? Yup. That's selfish as shit. I don't care. I mean, if I can't do this for myself, why bother?? Well, I have to think about my family. Right. They'd be so much better without me around to slow them down. Dante, though. Dante would probably be destroyed by my death. That sucks, knowing that. I'm not flattering myself here, folks. That kid and I are really that close. But, crap, I'd really like to be able to care.
Is it that important, really, to lose ... Alright, that was a stupid line of thought. Of course it's important that I lost my ability to drive!! It sucks big time. But, I'm not angry about it. I feel spent. I just want to lay down, say fuck it, and just not wake up again. I wish it were that easy.
posted by Cherrycat at 8:50 AM
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