Pain vs. Suicide
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
7:05am – Made it again. Another day under my belt. Woohoo. Hurray for my side. Seriously, I am grateful to have made it this far, difficult though it has been. I wish I had had the strength to write last night, but I didn’t. So, I’ll finish last night this morning, and write today’s thoughts later. Here we go.
I did attend the SA meeting last night, and I am glad I did. Joe, from S.T.A.R. was there and he was super happy to see me. For whatever reason he is another one of these human beings that see great things in JC. He claims that it is because of my strength(?) that he has been able to endure the past few weeks. He claims that there is a connection between us, which there may be, that gives him strength and allows him to believe that he can succeed. Okay. This is the kind of crap Heidi is always telling me.
Why, though, what is it about JC that makes people trust him?? Is it the way I smell?? Is it my graying, short hair?? Is it ‘cause I’m fat?? Perhaps it is because I am such a great actor?? Maybe it is because I think I am acting while in reality I am merely being myself?? Now that is one interesting thought. Hmm.
Heidi said that the church is planning to get someone to minister to the congregation. Pastoral care, I think she called it. Someone to go to funerals, weddings, hospitals: someone to comfort the dying, the sick: someone to visit mental patients: some willing to just listen: someone to just pray with. As soon as she said it I felt a jolt, not a big one, mind you, but a small sense of rightness. Which I immediately squashed like a bug. I am not in a very nice spiritual place, and I don’t know if or when I will get out it. But, dang it, that sounded so right. I am certain they would want a genuine pastor person, rather than someone like me, and yes, I am already sabotaging myself, but I have to be realistic.
The SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings support themselves a lot by leaning upon a Higher Power. It can be whatever you want it to be. The book refers to it as God, but you can call it Vishnu, or Bob, or Athena, or Freyja, or whatever deity you desire. The whole point of the thing is that you are surrendering your disease to said deity, and know in your heart that it will help you. Something like that, anyway. I know that I still have a bit of faith somewhere in me, as Sal pointed out. But I am angry. Terribly so. I am so very afraid of being let down again. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of misinterpreting His wishes. How do I really know that it was He who tried to guide me?? How do I know I wasn’t just deluding myself?? Am I really supposed to heal and teach?? Am I?? I have no way of knowing!! Faith isn’t enough. It shouldn’t be, not when you are dealing with the well being, spiritual or otherwise, of another human being. There has to be more. Perhaps, there has to be less, too.
I’ve often thought that this crap I’m going through is just a test. It sucks. I hate taking tests. I hate living tests even more. Perhaps He is merely trying to strengthen me. Well, that’s very nice, thank you, but what am I being strengthened for, exactly?? Am I supposed to face a giant?? Will I be forced to stand alone before a horde of (not pc) midgets?? All I’m asking for is a little guidance.
5:30pm – I think it was yesterday, or the day before, that I said if I told the p-doc (psychiatrist) about my conversations with my voices he would either have me committed or he would increase my Seroquel. Well, I told him about it, the voices. He increased my Seroquel. Seroquel is a nice little med that, for me, brings me very restful, much needed sleep. Basically, I feel totally stoned when I take it. It’s kinda cool, but kind of a pain, too. I should not drive when I’m on this stuff. I tried taking a walk down the train tracks this morning, but that was a bad idea, cause I was really cold and shaky, and not very stable on my feet. So, I turned around, got home, patted the dogs, then passed out. I woke up around 3 this afternoon. What a waste of a day. I’m hoping that within a couple of days my body will get used to this stuff and I’ll be able to function. The alternative is another trip to the hospital, but I’m not ready for that!!
The other thing I’ve been trying to deal with is that I am curious as to whether or not I would feel pain if I actually went through with the suicide. If you think about your body in a physiological sense, you know that the conduction of stimuli from any part of your body to the brain is instantaneous. Sometimes it borders on pre-sentience, if you think about it. Take it the other way around. I am typing. The brain has to know what I am thinking and immediately sends signals to my fingers, all of them at the same time, to hit the correct key. Not only do they have to hit the correct key, but they have to know where that key is. Some of that is muscle memory, like your fingers know where to move on the keyboard without you looking at it. But it still borders on pre-sentience. So, that being said, if you step on a tack with your left great toe, you feel it instantly!! The stimuli has to travel all the way from your toe to you brain, and back, but it happens instantaneously!! It is quite amazing, really. Your toe feels the thing, your brain acknowledges it as pain, then tells your whole leg to move the toe away from there. Not only that, but your brain has also already processed the damage, if any, cause by the tack and is handling it. All this happens virtually at the same exact moment. How?? How does this happen??
Okay, alright. I’m not getting into physiology discussion here. I was just trying to make a point, but can’t even remember what it was. Oh, yeah, I was trying to say that I’ve been wondering what, if anything, I would feel if I were to go through with my suicide. Would I feel anything?? The bullet penetrating the brain is virtually instantaneous, but not as fast as a message being transmitted to the brain. Oh, crap. This is pointless. It doesn’t matter whether or not I feel anything, for I would be dead soon thereafter. But, I am still curious.
7:40pm – I don’t know. I’ve been doing a lot of writing the past couple of days. Heidi is under the impression that I am getting better. I don’t know. There are moments when I feel okay, followed by moments when I don’t. Ooh!! One thing I realized, but haven’t really processed yet, is that I have possibly been manic-depressive for all of my adult life. If you consider the number of times I have changed jobs, or lost interest in things that I was really hung up on, you might actually see a pattern. Not a nice one, but there it is. Why in the world would I suddenly decide to quit a job I was enjoying?? Why in the world would I suddenly quit a job I was really good at?? Why would I suddenly give up on a hobby I had enjoyed for years?? For no other reason than I’m just not interested anymore?? That’s pretty darned lame.
Another thought I’ve been having the last few days is that, well, maybe this God person is not the one I’m really angry at. Maybe I’m angry, terribly so, at the church leadership. I know that there are a great number of people who care about me at church, even if it’s just a simple acknowledgement of me a as “brother-in-Christ.” They do care. The folks in our Home Team do genuinely care. They really do. All day long I have been thinking about just showing up there tonight, just walk in, tell them how much I appreciate what they’ve done for us, give them my heart-felt thanks, and go back to doing whatever it is that I do. But, I can’t. And, no, I’m not getting into the “why” of it.
So, back to this God person. Do I really have a beef with him?? Seriously. What has he actually done to me?? Did He turn his back on me?? I doubt it. Did he leave me to my own devises?? Probably. Did he lay this heavy trip on me, with the illness and all the other shit I’ve been going through?? I doubt it. I mean, yes, he could have saved me some of the trouble, sure. Maybe he could have made it just a little less painful, eased some of my suffering. But, had he done that, would I be where I am today?? I don’t know. I guess that’s the root of my problem, the not knowing. How easy it would be if God where just wandering among us, where we could just reach out and say, “Hey, man, what would you like me to do today??” That would be way cool. Instead, we are supposed to pray. To ask for guidance. To ask for strength. Most of the time, those prayers aren’t exactly answered. Matter of fact, most prayers don’t get answered. Sure, now and then you get a sense of rightness about something, but it sure as shit doesn’t happen nearly often enough. Finally, if you’re lucky enough to get a prayer “answered,” it’s never completely so. It’s never a simple answer.
I had been asking God for help and guidance for a really long time. Out of the blue one day, the guy answers me. It wasn’t anything dramatic, like a big voice, or a message carved in stone. It was just a very simple gut feeling that I was supposed to heal and to teach. Ooooo-kay. Umm, God?? What exactly does that mean?? Hello?? God?? Here I am, still trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to teach, and who it is I am supposed to heal. I’ve prayed and prayed for a little bit of guidance, but none has come. I frustrated myself terribly, trying to figure this one out. I finally gave up. How can I possibly do His will if He won’t tell me what His will is!!! What, am I supposed to guess?? Oops, that wasn’t it!! Next!! Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to mess you guys up, but I thought this was what God wanted me to do!! Oh, umm, I suggest you guys seek therapy, really, ‘cause I ain’t the guy to help you!! And so, here comes the anger and frustration again, so end of line …
7:05am – Made it again. Another day under my belt. Woohoo. Hurray for my side. Seriously, I am grateful to have made it this far, difficult though it has been. I wish I had had the strength to write last night, but I didn’t. So, I’ll finish last night this morning, and write today’s thoughts later. Here we go.
I did attend the SA meeting last night, and I am glad I did. Joe, from S.T.A.R. was there and he was super happy to see me. For whatever reason he is another one of these human beings that see great things in JC. He claims that it is because of my strength(?) that he has been able to endure the past few weeks. He claims that there is a connection between us, which there may be, that gives him strength and allows him to believe that he can succeed. Okay. This is the kind of crap Heidi is always telling me.
Why, though, what is it about JC that makes people trust him?? Is it the way I smell?? Is it my graying, short hair?? Is it ‘cause I’m fat?? Perhaps it is because I am such a great actor?? Maybe it is because I think I am acting while in reality I am merely being myself?? Now that is one interesting thought. Hmm.
Heidi said that the church is planning to get someone to minister to the congregation. Pastoral care, I think she called it. Someone to go to funerals, weddings, hospitals: someone to comfort the dying, the sick: someone to visit mental patients: some willing to just listen: someone to just pray with. As soon as she said it I felt a jolt, not a big one, mind you, but a small sense of rightness. Which I immediately squashed like a bug. I am not in a very nice spiritual place, and I don’t know if or when I will get out it. But, dang it, that sounded so right. I am certain they would want a genuine pastor person, rather than someone like me, and yes, I am already sabotaging myself, but I have to be realistic.
The SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings support themselves a lot by leaning upon a Higher Power. It can be whatever you want it to be. The book refers to it as God, but you can call it Vishnu, or Bob, or Athena, or Freyja, or whatever deity you desire. The whole point of the thing is that you are surrendering your disease to said deity, and know in your heart that it will help you. Something like that, anyway. I know that I still have a bit of faith somewhere in me, as Sal pointed out. But I am angry. Terribly so. I am so very afraid of being let down again. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of misinterpreting His wishes. How do I really know that it was He who tried to guide me?? How do I know I wasn’t just deluding myself?? Am I really supposed to heal and teach?? Am I?? I have no way of knowing!! Faith isn’t enough. It shouldn’t be, not when you are dealing with the well being, spiritual or otherwise, of another human being. There has to be more. Perhaps, there has to be less, too.
I’ve often thought that this crap I’m going through is just a test. It sucks. I hate taking tests. I hate living tests even more. Perhaps He is merely trying to strengthen me. Well, that’s very nice, thank you, but what am I being strengthened for, exactly?? Am I supposed to face a giant?? Will I be forced to stand alone before a horde of (not pc) midgets?? All I’m asking for is a little guidance.
5:30pm – I think it was yesterday, or the day before, that I said if I told the p-doc (psychiatrist) about my conversations with my voices he would either have me committed or he would increase my Seroquel. Well, I told him about it, the voices. He increased my Seroquel. Seroquel is a nice little med that, for me, brings me very restful, much needed sleep. Basically, I feel totally stoned when I take it. It’s kinda cool, but kind of a pain, too. I should not drive when I’m on this stuff. I tried taking a walk down the train tracks this morning, but that was a bad idea, cause I was really cold and shaky, and not very stable on my feet. So, I turned around, got home, patted the dogs, then passed out. I woke up around 3 this afternoon. What a waste of a day. I’m hoping that within a couple of days my body will get used to this stuff and I’ll be able to function. The alternative is another trip to the hospital, but I’m not ready for that!!
The other thing I’ve been trying to deal with is that I am curious as to whether or not I would feel pain if I actually went through with the suicide. If you think about your body in a physiological sense, you know that the conduction of stimuli from any part of your body to the brain is instantaneous. Sometimes it borders on pre-sentience, if you think about it. Take it the other way around. I am typing. The brain has to know what I am thinking and immediately sends signals to my fingers, all of them at the same time, to hit the correct key. Not only do they have to hit the correct key, but they have to know where that key is. Some of that is muscle memory, like your fingers know where to move on the keyboard without you looking at it. But it still borders on pre-sentience. So, that being said, if you step on a tack with your left great toe, you feel it instantly!! The stimuli has to travel all the way from your toe to you brain, and back, but it happens instantaneously!! It is quite amazing, really. Your toe feels the thing, your brain acknowledges it as pain, then tells your whole leg to move the toe away from there. Not only that, but your brain has also already processed the damage, if any, cause by the tack and is handling it. All this happens virtually at the same exact moment. How?? How does this happen??
Okay, alright. I’m not getting into physiology discussion here. I was just trying to make a point, but can’t even remember what it was. Oh, yeah, I was trying to say that I’ve been wondering what, if anything, I would feel if I were to go through with my suicide. Would I feel anything?? The bullet penetrating the brain is virtually instantaneous, but not as fast as a message being transmitted to the brain. Oh, crap. This is pointless. It doesn’t matter whether or not I feel anything, for I would be dead soon thereafter. But, I am still curious.
7:40pm – I don’t know. I’ve been doing a lot of writing the past couple of days. Heidi is under the impression that I am getting better. I don’t know. There are moments when I feel okay, followed by moments when I don’t. Ooh!! One thing I realized, but haven’t really processed yet, is that I have possibly been manic-depressive for all of my adult life. If you consider the number of times I have changed jobs, or lost interest in things that I was really hung up on, you might actually see a pattern. Not a nice one, but there it is. Why in the world would I suddenly decide to quit a job I was enjoying?? Why in the world would I suddenly quit a job I was really good at?? Why would I suddenly give up on a hobby I had enjoyed for years?? For no other reason than I’m just not interested anymore?? That’s pretty darned lame.
Another thought I’ve been having the last few days is that, well, maybe this God person is not the one I’m really angry at. Maybe I’m angry, terribly so, at the church leadership. I know that there are a great number of people who care about me at church, even if it’s just a simple acknowledgement of me a as “brother-in-Christ.” They do care. The folks in our Home Team do genuinely care. They really do. All day long I have been thinking about just showing up there tonight, just walk in, tell them how much I appreciate what they’ve done for us, give them my heart-felt thanks, and go back to doing whatever it is that I do. But, I can’t. And, no, I’m not getting into the “why” of it.
So, back to this God person. Do I really have a beef with him?? Seriously. What has he actually done to me?? Did He turn his back on me?? I doubt it. Did he leave me to my own devises?? Probably. Did he lay this heavy trip on me, with the illness and all the other shit I’ve been going through?? I doubt it. I mean, yes, he could have saved me some of the trouble, sure. Maybe he could have made it just a little less painful, eased some of my suffering. But, had he done that, would I be where I am today?? I don’t know. I guess that’s the root of my problem, the not knowing. How easy it would be if God where just wandering among us, where we could just reach out and say, “Hey, man, what would you like me to do today??” That would be way cool. Instead, we are supposed to pray. To ask for guidance. To ask for strength. Most of the time, those prayers aren’t exactly answered. Matter of fact, most prayers don’t get answered. Sure, now and then you get a sense of rightness about something, but it sure as shit doesn’t happen nearly often enough. Finally, if you’re lucky enough to get a prayer “answered,” it’s never completely so. It’s never a simple answer.
I had been asking God for help and guidance for a really long time. Out of the blue one day, the guy answers me. It wasn’t anything dramatic, like a big voice, or a message carved in stone. It was just a very simple gut feeling that I was supposed to heal and to teach. Ooooo-kay. Umm, God?? What exactly does that mean?? Hello?? God?? Here I am, still trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to teach, and who it is I am supposed to heal. I’ve prayed and prayed for a little bit of guidance, but none has come. I frustrated myself terribly, trying to figure this one out. I finally gave up. How can I possibly do His will if He won’t tell me what His will is!!! What, am I supposed to guess?? Oops, that wasn’t it!! Next!! Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to mess you guys up, but I thought this was what God wanted me to do!! Oh, umm, I suggest you guys seek therapy, really, ‘cause I ain’t the guy to help you!! And so, here comes the anger and frustration again, so end of line …
posted by Cherrycat at 8:22 PM
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