Saturday, August 28th, 2004
Living--
“For a man will be tired and his soul will grow weary
Living his life in vain” Eric Wolfson, Ammonia Avenue
I am, at the moment, thinking clearer than I have in weeks. It is a sadness knowing this shall pass with the coming of morning. However, putting the words down is still excruciatingly difficult. I’m trying, though.
Heidi and I spoke, really communicated, for the first time in longer than I care to remember. I still can’t explain to her what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, but I was able to share with her, and that was enough. For tonight, anyway.
The session today was a difficult one. I struggled. We agreed that I need something a bit more involved than meeting with a therapist a couple of times a week. Perhaps another visit to an in-patient facility. Maybe some “intense” outpatient stuff. I don’t know. Heidi and I still haven’t decided.
Heidi said that after my last visit to Horsham I asked her to never let go there again. She said I hated it. I honestly don’t remember. She also told me that they had me pretty heavily medicated, so that’s probably why I don’t remember it.
Speaking of meds … It appears that the only I’m going to get to see someone for a med evaluation is to have myself committed. Heidi is not pleased. If I am as bad off as we suspect, why do I have to wait until next Friday to see someone. I have no clue. Can I survive until next Friday?? Probably. Is the outcome going to be any different?? Doubtful.
For myself, the biggest question of the day, and the only one that really matters, was “Who am I??” I really don’t know. Am I the guy that the reef club knows?? Am I really the guy writing this?? Am I the guy Heidi remembers?? The mask goes on so readily, you see, without thought, that I hardly even recognize it. Is that just a survival mechanism?? It is so much easier to hide behind it.
It’s late, and I’m tired. I want to write more, I do, but I am so tired, and it is so difficult to write.
“For a man will be tired and his soul will grow weary
Living his life in vain” Eric Wolfson, Ammonia Avenue
I am, at the moment, thinking clearer than I have in weeks. It is a sadness knowing this shall pass with the coming of morning. However, putting the words down is still excruciatingly difficult. I’m trying, though.
Heidi and I spoke, really communicated, for the first time in longer than I care to remember. I still can’t explain to her what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, but I was able to share with her, and that was enough. For tonight, anyway.
The session today was a difficult one. I struggled. We agreed that I need something a bit more involved than meeting with a therapist a couple of times a week. Perhaps another visit to an in-patient facility. Maybe some “intense” outpatient stuff. I don’t know. Heidi and I still haven’t decided.
Heidi said that after my last visit to Horsham I asked her to never let go there again. She said I hated it. I honestly don’t remember. She also told me that they had me pretty heavily medicated, so that’s probably why I don’t remember it.
Speaking of meds … It appears that the only I’m going to get to see someone for a med evaluation is to have myself committed. Heidi is not pleased. If I am as bad off as we suspect, why do I have to wait until next Friday to see someone. I have no clue. Can I survive until next Friday?? Probably. Is the outcome going to be any different?? Doubtful.
For myself, the biggest question of the day, and the only one that really matters, was “Who am I??” I really don’t know. Am I the guy that the reef club knows?? Am I really the guy writing this?? Am I the guy Heidi remembers?? The mask goes on so readily, you see, without thought, that I hardly even recognize it. Is that just a survival mechanism?? It is so much easier to hide behind it.
It’s late, and I’m tired. I want to write more, I do, but I am so tired, and it is so difficult to write.
posted by Cherrycat at 2:43 AM
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