Friday, August 27th, 2004
Still –
Well, here we go, again. Another day. I have survived.
She dragged me to work with her this morning. Now, of course she didn’t force me. At the same time, I didn’t have a choice. Oh, certainly I could have chosen to not go. Just as certainly there would have been hell to pay.
For starters, there would have been the guilt trip. If that didn’t work, it would have been the “threat” card. After that, would have been more guilt trip. I think you get the idea. I think, too, you can probably tell that I am a little bit angry.
So. Off to work we go. I have nothing to say, because I am pissed and don’t want things to escalate. I know that once we get there I will put on my facemask, and the acting would get me through the day. She doesn’t say anything, either.
The first job she had lined up for me was to go to all the classrooms, while class is in session, and tune the televisions. Right. I want to walk into strange classrooms, disrupt a classroom full of strange students. You betcha. Where do I sign up for this?? Thankfully, I was able to get out of that!!
Our neighbor has a friend who fixes computers. He does this really well, and really inexpensively. She has given him lots of work and he has come through for her. He was there today, to do some work in one of the computer labs. I was able to get out of my job by helping him out. It was much more convenient for me, too, as I had to maintain my illusion for only one person. The day went rather well, considering. Of course, the day soon ended, and we had to drive back home.
Again, I had nothing to say, so I didn’t. Halfway home she asked me something about tomorrow’s schedule, which I answered. I have nothing to say. I closed my eyes and dozed the rest of the way home.
We get home, there’s some putzing around. I’ve fed the dogs and I’m standing in the kitchen listening to NPR. She comes in and asks if I had anything planned for supper. I said, no, I wasn’t planning on eating. The then asks me why I’m just standing there, listening to NPR. I said, because I want to. She then gets up, and storms out of the kitchen. I want to know what her problem is and she starts yelling at me that if all I want to do is stand around listening to NPR, then that was fine with her. Well, excuse me, but if it is so fine with you, why are you giving me attitude about it?? More yelling and stomping. I am, as always, the bad guy.
The boys were sitting on the couch, watching tv when we got home. Neither of them said even a simple “hello,” for they were both very much into their cartoon. No biggie. The only being that actually showed that it cared I was home was the little dog. As long as I take him out and feed him, he’s a happy camper!! I, too, would like nothing better than to be a happy camper, but I can’t. All I am is a grumpy, angry camper.
Why am I so angry?? Her solution to everything is, basically, “well, it’s a nice day outside. Why don’t you go outside??” It doesn’t matter if I have a cold, or my allergies are bugging me, or I’m feeling suicidal. That’s pretty much her solution. Does she do that when she gets sick?? Nope!! And, boy, does she get mad if you say it to her!!
I am angry. I don’t like this. I can’t think straight. I want to go up and try to talk with her, but I have no idea what to say, and I know it will go bad fast. I don’t want to have a fight. I just want to be left alone.
I don’t want her help. I don’t know if it’s the anger, or the depression, or indigestion. I don’t know. I just don’t want her help.
One the drive home, or the drive down, I can’t remember which. Anyway, I was pissed. There was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to “feed it!!” I know it was referring to the anger. Huh. I hadn’t thought about until now. It would be real easy to “feed it.” It would be really easy to just give in to it. What would that feel like, I wonder?? To be completely engulfed in anger.
Enough. Perhaps tomorrow I will write more.
Well, here we go, again. Another day. I have survived.
She dragged me to work with her this morning. Now, of course she didn’t force me. At the same time, I didn’t have a choice. Oh, certainly I could have chosen to not go. Just as certainly there would have been hell to pay.
For starters, there would have been the guilt trip. If that didn’t work, it would have been the “threat” card. After that, would have been more guilt trip. I think you get the idea. I think, too, you can probably tell that I am a little bit angry.
So. Off to work we go. I have nothing to say, because I am pissed and don’t want things to escalate. I know that once we get there I will put on my facemask, and the acting would get me through the day. She doesn’t say anything, either.
The first job she had lined up for me was to go to all the classrooms, while class is in session, and tune the televisions. Right. I want to walk into strange classrooms, disrupt a classroom full of strange students. You betcha. Where do I sign up for this?? Thankfully, I was able to get out of that!!
Our neighbor has a friend who fixes computers. He does this really well, and really inexpensively. She has given him lots of work and he has come through for her. He was there today, to do some work in one of the computer labs. I was able to get out of my job by helping him out. It was much more convenient for me, too, as I had to maintain my illusion for only one person. The day went rather well, considering. Of course, the day soon ended, and we had to drive back home.
Again, I had nothing to say, so I didn’t. Halfway home she asked me something about tomorrow’s schedule, which I answered. I have nothing to say. I closed my eyes and dozed the rest of the way home.
We get home, there’s some putzing around. I’ve fed the dogs and I’m standing in the kitchen listening to NPR. She comes in and asks if I had anything planned for supper. I said, no, I wasn’t planning on eating. The then asks me why I’m just standing there, listening to NPR. I said, because I want to. She then gets up, and storms out of the kitchen. I want to know what her problem is and she starts yelling at me that if all I want to do is stand around listening to NPR, then that was fine with her. Well, excuse me, but if it is so fine with you, why are you giving me attitude about it?? More yelling and stomping. I am, as always, the bad guy.
The boys were sitting on the couch, watching tv when we got home. Neither of them said even a simple “hello,” for they were both very much into their cartoon. No biggie. The only being that actually showed that it cared I was home was the little dog. As long as I take him out and feed him, he’s a happy camper!! I, too, would like nothing better than to be a happy camper, but I can’t. All I am is a grumpy, angry camper.
Why am I so angry?? Her solution to everything is, basically, “well, it’s a nice day outside. Why don’t you go outside??” It doesn’t matter if I have a cold, or my allergies are bugging me, or I’m feeling suicidal. That’s pretty much her solution. Does she do that when she gets sick?? Nope!! And, boy, does she get mad if you say it to her!!
I am angry. I don’t like this. I can’t think straight. I want to go up and try to talk with her, but I have no idea what to say, and I know it will go bad fast. I don’t want to have a fight. I just want to be left alone.
I don’t want her help. I don’t know if it’s the anger, or the depression, or indigestion. I don’t know. I just don’t want her help.
One the drive home, or the drive down, I can’t remember which. Anyway, I was pissed. There was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to “feed it!!” I know it was referring to the anger. Huh. I hadn’t thought about until now. It would be real easy to “feed it.” It would be really easy to just give in to it. What would that feel like, I wonder?? To be completely engulfed in anger.
Enough. Perhaps tomorrow I will write more.
posted by Cherrycat at 11:29 PM
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