Thursday, August 26th, 2004

The Day After –A note to jc

There won’t be any disclaimers here. What I say is the truth. It is, at the very least, the truth now. If it is not to your liking, too bad.

I feel a little more lost now than I did before, and that scares me. I am so very grateful to Andrew for taking time out of his busy schedule for, as Heidi put it, babysitting me. Would I have made it to my appointment today without his help? Certainly. Would I now be writing this?? Unlikely. I have a lot to think about.

I don’t want to die.

The reasons for this are many and varied, but here are some:

1) I don’t want to die.
2) I don’t want my kids to grow up without a dad.
3) I don’t want to hurt my wife any more than I already have.
4) I don’t think God would appreciate it very much.

So, what do I do about this?? As Andrew said, I have to take this one step at a time, which is something I have great of difficulty with. It is so very easy for me to lose sight of the moment, while I am worrying about what comes after now. It is, I assume, a skill I must learn. Let us begin practicing now.

I took a very large step today. Good for me. The next step, I suppose, is this. I am doing this now. But, how is this going to help me?? I’m not sure, and I’m trying very hard not to worry about it. This is just what I need to do now.

I am writing this thing because I want to keep things straight. I want to be accountable to myself. I will be sharing this with Andrew and Heidi, and I suppose John Kimmey, too. I am also sharing it with myself, really, which may sound odd, but isn’t. I want this so much to be “stream of consciousness,” but I can’t make it so. I have think about what I am writing. It is almost a physical thing, right now, dredging up the worms. It is difficult.

Horsham. Looking back on it, I can’t see how they let me out of that place. Actually, I do know how, and why. I talked my way out of there. I knew when to say what, and to whom. I knew what they wanted from me, and I gave it to them. It was me, doing what I do so well. What does that mean, though?? Who am I??

Some months back I prayed to God, and He answered me. The prayer was a simple one, really, but the answer turned out to be quite complicated. God wants me to heal and to teach. I’ve struggled with this one. Initially, I assumed that He wanted me to touch people through my massage practice. I’m okay with that. The teaching part, though, I assumed to be some sort of teaching role. I think I was wrong on both counts, but only a little. I believe that what God wanted for me to do was to heal others through teaching. To teach others how to heal. Oh, I’m not saying that I should stop doing massage, or stop helping others. I’m saying that they are not two separate goals. Does that make sense??

Which brings me to this: how can I heal or teach others, if I myself am not well?? I can’t do it. I just can’t. I have a client scheduled for Tuesday evening, and I am looking forward to it. At the same time, I am terrified!!


This is about 4 hours later. I had to stop because the boys got home from school. They both had good days. They had little homework, too, which gave us the opportunity to watch a bit of the Olympics. They watched some synchronized swimming, which neither really got, and then some field hockey. Kiefer didn’t get that, either, but Dante got into it. Dante is funny. During one of the breaks a commentator said something about 2008 Olympics, and that they would be held in Beijing, China. Dante stated that we would have to figure out a way to get there. I think he would like to attend.
Okay, well, it appears that I have nothing further to say today