Monday, August 30th, 2004
No quotes today, or even a title. I'm not in the mood.
Last night was no better. She just kept acting as though nothing had happened yesterday. She did ask me how my day went, and I couldn't give her a straight answer, so I said something along the lines of "Fine. Peachy. Great." It wasn't, of course, but that was all I was willing to give her. I guess it wasn't all untrue, because it was fine, as much as it could have been.
Crap. I want to go. I don't know where, but I want to go. I have my little bag packed and I'm ready to go. I need to go. Somewhere. I can't bring myself to go, though. I feel so guilty. It's like, okay bub, get yer act together!! Suck it up and do!! I can't, though!! Argh!! I can't just pack up and go. Who's going to take the dogs out during the day?? Who's going to make sure the boys have their lunches and breakfast before they head out?? Who's going to pack Heidi's lunch?? Fill up her water bottles?? Who's going to be here when the boys get home from school?!?
Cripes, I KNOW that I can't take care of anyone else unless I can take care of myself, first, but this is another one of my "loops," or "cycles." Call them what you will. They are there, and are almost physical barriers.
Crud. Football seasons is about to open. Just another couple of weekends. I have no idea where the Eagles or the Niners are. I have listened to nothing, watched no pre-season, nor read anything. That is scary. This is the very first time ever that I have not shown any interest in football!! It's like, I think about it, I know it's there, but it doesn't interest me. Wow.
So, what do I do?? Nothing, really. I write, I suppose. Does it help?? Nope. It doesn't make me feel bad, either, except it is difficult to do. I remember when I was a young man how the words would just flow, kinda like diarrhea of the mouth, only writen. I could just write (type, actually) and write. Oh, well. The glorious results of a mispent youth.
End of line.
Last night was no better. She just kept acting as though nothing had happened yesterday. She did ask me how my day went, and I couldn't give her a straight answer, so I said something along the lines of "Fine. Peachy. Great." It wasn't, of course, but that was all I was willing to give her. I guess it wasn't all untrue, because it was fine, as much as it could have been.
Crap. I want to go. I don't know where, but I want to go. I have my little bag packed and I'm ready to go. I need to go. Somewhere. I can't bring myself to go, though. I feel so guilty. It's like, okay bub, get yer act together!! Suck it up and do!! I can't, though!! Argh!! I can't just pack up and go. Who's going to take the dogs out during the day?? Who's going to make sure the boys have their lunches and breakfast before they head out?? Who's going to pack Heidi's lunch?? Fill up her water bottles?? Who's going to be here when the boys get home from school?!?
Cripes, I KNOW that I can't take care of anyone else unless I can take care of myself, first, but this is another one of my "loops," or "cycles." Call them what you will. They are there, and are almost physical barriers.
Crud. Football seasons is about to open. Just another couple of weekends. I have no idea where the Eagles or the Niners are. I have listened to nothing, watched no pre-season, nor read anything. That is scary. This is the very first time ever that I have not shown any interest in football!! It's like, I think about it, I know it's there, but it doesn't interest me. Wow.
So, what do I do?? Nothing, really. I write, I suppose. Does it help?? Nope. It doesn't make me feel bad, either, except it is difficult to do. I remember when I was a young man how the words would just flow, kinda like diarrhea of the mouth, only writen. I could just write (type, actually) and write. Oh, well. The glorious results of a mispent youth.
End of line.
posted by Cherrycat at 12:34 PM
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