Sunday, August 29th, 2004

Sadder –

“Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you -the blind who once could see-
The bell tolls for thee...”
Neil Peart, Losing it


What a day. It’s taken me two hours of getting in and out of this chair to finally start writing this thing. What a day. It began harmlessly enough. I was still feeling pretty good from last night. I was actually in a good mood. Too bad for me.

So Heidi and I had agreed that maybe Horsham wasn’t necessarily the right solution. We weren’t sure what our next step would be, but we had talked, and I was willing to talk again tonight. So, off to church we go.

Church went well. There was nothing spectacular in Brian’s lesson today. I guess that’s probably why I enjoy his lessons so much. They are sort of homogenized. I doubt there will ever be anything controversial in one of Brian’s lessons. I’m okay with that.

Heidi was supposed to go to her parent’s today, but I didn’t feel like going. I had told her this last night. Crap. She does to me all the time. Worse, I fall for it all the time. I told her last night that I didn’t want to go to her parents. I asked her not to take me!! She didn’t say anything. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRUST HER!! So, today after church I remind her that I don’t want to go. She wants to know what I’m going to do at home. I told her I was going to write. That just wasn’t good enough for her. I am no longer pleased.

We get home. I get out of the car and into the house. Suddenly, Dante is in the house with me, and Heidi’s driving away. Dante tells me she’s going to the pharmacy. Okay. I find myself a job in the basement. Eventually she gets back. I finish my job and come inside to find her lying on the bed. I ask if she’s planning on going to her parent’s house and she said she was planning on going kayaking. It is 2pm. As usual, she has no clue what time it is, and Dante is the one that’s going to get screwed. Whatever.

She finally gets out of bed and is ready to leave and I remind her that I’m not going. She goes nuts. Starts going on about how she’s not taking me to Horsham but she’s leaving me home alone. What really hurt was when she said “I guess your friend is coming through for you as well as you are!!” Off she went. She was referring to my friend, Andrew.

See, apparently Andrew wasn’t impressed with my therapist, and said so to Heidi. He also told her he would get her some numbers of other therapists whom he believed might be better for me. Andrew had some family stuff planned for this weekend, and I am glad he didn’t “drop everything” just to help me out. We had agreed to wait until we heard from Andrew, but we haven’t. I left a message on his cell phone just after Heidi left, but I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t really know what to say to Heidi.

I was ready to go to Horsham yesterday, but decided to wait a day. My mistake. I thought Heidi and I had made some progress last night, but I guess I was wrong about that, too. All I wanted was to be left alone for a few hours to think, or not think. I know I need to go to Horsham, but I was hoping to get a few more days. That’s my third strike. I’m off to pack a bag. I try to write more later.