Sweat

Monday, December 20th, 2004
2:25pm - I have not writen in what seems like ages. It's not that I haven't had stuff to write, it's just that desire hasn't been there. I mean, what's the use, really?? How in the world is this beneficial to me?? I just don't see it anymore.

I have been doing like crap the past month. Rapid-cycling of moods. A lot of mania, mostly. The Doc keeps messing with my meds, I guess in an effort to help me out. I don't even bother to ask anymore. I just don't care. I'm screwed, and that's that.

I awoke in a fever
The bedclothes were all soaked in sweat
She said "You've been having a nightmare
And it's not over yet"
Roger Waters - The Pros And Cons Of Hitchhiking

I have been having a lot of nightmares. Nightly. Actually, whenever I sleep. They seem to be getting more violent as the days go by. I don't really remember the dreams from last night, but I know there was a lot of blood spilled. A few nights ago I actually authorized the use of nuclear weapons on some "enemy." I even saw myself "toss" one of the nukes over the "wall" at some of the bad guys. It doesn't matter, like I said, what time of day it is. If I am asleep I will have nightmares. And the sweat. Cripes!! I wake up from any sleep soaked in sweat!! I mean sopping wet!! And I am so bloody exhausted from the dreams.

I am very easily frustrated lately, too. I'm popping klonopins like they were candy, almost. I'm still trying to avoid taking the klonopins 'cause they knock me out, which is kinda good, but then I dream ...

The "Jennifer-voice" has become a real true to life prescence in my head. I mean, "she" is trying very hard to make herself comfy in my head. I don't know the purpose of this, but I am fighting it. It's very seductive, however, though not in a sexual way. It's almost as though if I were to give in, to let her get settled in, things will get "better." Considering that my ideations have been a little more than passive the past few weeks, I think I'd better keep fighting her.

Then, there's X-Mas. I have no money. I can't drive anywhere, even if I did have money. Heck I'm not supposed to drive anywhere, period. It's real easy to say "Okay, I'm not driving anymore." So easy to say. Try it. Give your keys to someone else, and try to go without driving for just one week. C'mon!! It'll be fun!! You'll annoy a lot of people by bumming rides from them. You will annoy yourself because you are trapped in your home. Oh, yes ... So very easy to say.

I'm spending most of my days either sleeping, or frittering time away on the computer. I'm not doing any of the porn stuff, although I want to. Hey, guess what?? I can no longer attend my SA meetings 'cause I can't drive!! Ha!!

3:00 - Hey, I just got off the phone with my Doc!! Well, we're gonna mess with my meds again!! Hoody hoo!! I'm going back on the lithium. Here come the shakes!! I asked the Doc about disability and he has no clue how to go about doing it, but is willing to sign whatever needs to be signed, and submit whatever needs to be submitted.

Peanut M&Ms have become my meal of choice. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. Peanut M&Ms. I get up in the wee hours of the morning to let the dogs out, I grab a handful of M&Ms.

Here's a gross one for you: I took a shower on Friday and realized that it was the first shower I'd had in a week. I wasn't stinky or anything, which is a good thing.

It's cold today. The thermometer outside says 16F, but the wind is howling kinda bad, so it is much, much colder than that.