~Overfunctioning
I sat down with the computer a long time ago with the intention of doing some quick therapeutic writing and now it's 11 pm already and I should be asleep. Monday's always come too early.
Instead of writing, I decided I had better get some of JC's musings from the hospital entered since I managed to swap his journal with him yesterday. I have a ways to go till I'm finished with that task. There's a ton of other stuff which has been more than neglected of late. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming and bird cages come to mind. Not to mention any of the projects like the painting of the rear steps or the block windows but hey, we're all safe and happy and clean and balanced so I have done my job for the day. So there!
I have come to realize that most of my conscious thoughts while I'm awake are of JC and what he has said or written or of what he could be doing instead of what he has been doing of late. I realized I spend very little time actively thinking of Heidi and what Heidi wants or needs or thinks or whatever.
I came really close to having to feel something yesterday and I was not proud of it. We have several new developments in our immediate area and something made me decide to pick up voter registration cards and procrastinate till I had to walk them around yesterday with little sticky notes I wrote saying, "Mail by Monday". So I toured all of these nice townhouse developements with $200k townhomes and then made a second trip out to walk around the $4-500k houses and deliver these things. I was all but in tears in the big development. One place had a tacky little slate hanging on a little yard flag pole with "Our dream home" painted on it. That one wasn't my dream home but there were several with big front porches that I sure could have gotten used to.
Thursday night at group, we talked about co-dependents and there was mention of the loss of the dream. The one woman and I were in tears. When the therapist got around to me, she said that she has been wondering about me for several weeks and wondering how I am putting forth the face that I am. She wanted to know where my anger was. I told her it was there but that I work it out as constructively as I possibly can. I said that I talk to a LOT of people, I kayak when I can, I'm smoking 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day and a beer each night are all helping to swab the anger. I said the biggest selfish tragedy that I am having to face was that I had told JC two years ago that our 10th anniversary was coming up and that I wanted an anniversary band and that he'd start saving his pennies. He offered to get it for me last year and I thought about it then too as we had surrogacy money around then. I told him that wasn't out marriage anniversary and that I was OK waiting another year. I told the therapist that here I was, married 10 years ... and for WHAT?? That was what I was thinking about as I walked around knocking on doors that were being answered by women my own age with little babies or children around all being raised in houses and with things that I would never be able to give my kids. It was very painful and it hurt as I know my salary will never reach the levels needed to support that type of oplulance. Then I scolded myself for thinking that. God has provided for us in so many ways and so many times when we were in need. Who was I to look the gift horse in the mouth? I have happy, healthy, attractive and smart children that I would not trade for the world.
Where is my anger? What anger? Now?? I am so far past the anger. I was angry years ago and it did me no good then. A good portion of me is resigned but there is still a sizable piece left open for dreams.
Instead of writing, I decided I had better get some of JC's musings from the hospital entered since I managed to swap his journal with him yesterday. I have a ways to go till I'm finished with that task. There's a ton of other stuff which has been more than neglected of late. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming and bird cages come to mind. Not to mention any of the projects like the painting of the rear steps or the block windows but hey, we're all safe and happy and clean and balanced so I have done my job for the day. So there!
I have come to realize that most of my conscious thoughts while I'm awake are of JC and what he has said or written or of what he could be doing instead of what he has been doing of late. I realized I spend very little time actively thinking of Heidi and what Heidi wants or needs or thinks or whatever.
I came really close to having to feel something yesterday and I was not proud of it. We have several new developments in our immediate area and something made me decide to pick up voter registration cards and procrastinate till I had to walk them around yesterday with little sticky notes I wrote saying, "Mail by Monday". So I toured all of these nice townhouse developements with $200k townhomes and then made a second trip out to walk around the $4-500k houses and deliver these things. I was all but in tears in the big development. One place had a tacky little slate hanging on a little yard flag pole with "Our dream home" painted on it. That one wasn't my dream home but there were several with big front porches that I sure could have gotten used to.
Thursday night at group, we talked about co-dependents and there was mention of the loss of the dream. The one woman and I were in tears. When the therapist got around to me, she said that she has been wondering about me for several weeks and wondering how I am putting forth the face that I am. She wanted to know where my anger was. I told her it was there but that I work it out as constructively as I possibly can. I said that I talk to a LOT of people, I kayak when I can, I'm smoking 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day and a beer each night are all helping to swab the anger. I said the biggest selfish tragedy that I am having to face was that I had told JC two years ago that our 10th anniversary was coming up and that I wanted an anniversary band and that he'd start saving his pennies. He offered to get it for me last year and I thought about it then too as we had surrogacy money around then. I told him that wasn't out marriage anniversary and that I was OK waiting another year. I told the therapist that here I was, married 10 years ... and for WHAT?? That was what I was thinking about as I walked around knocking on doors that were being answered by women my own age with little babies or children around all being raised in houses and with things that I would never be able to give my kids. It was very painful and it hurt as I know my salary will never reach the levels needed to support that type of oplulance. Then I scolded myself for thinking that. God has provided for us in so many ways and so many times when we were in need. Who was I to look the gift horse in the mouth? I have happy, healthy, attractive and smart children that I would not trade for the world.
Where is my anger? What anger? Now?? I am so far past the anger. I was angry years ago and it did me no good then. A good portion of me is resigned but there is still a sizable piece left open for dreams.
posted by Cherrycat at 10:59 PM
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